According to Ty

One Door Closes

2007-11-05T10:40:00.000-05:00

I think it's time for me to close down this blog. I'm not going to delete it, at least not right away. But I probably will delete it, only because I think I need to walk away for awhile and I might not stay away if my blog is still there. And I'm hoping when I come back (I know I will at some point) that I am in a much better place and starting fresh would be a good thing.

I need time to take care of myself. And there are things going on in my life that I just can't share here, things I need to face, things that are going to take all of my focus.

I will still be checking my email (accordingtoty@gmail.com) and I know I'll be lurking in the background of all my favorite bloggers.

Until I come back:

Ann(ie) - Enjoy that cute little boy of yours and I hope you are expecting another cutie as soon as you're ready!

Andrea - Enjoy your trip and know that I admire you for all the hard work you're doing in taking care of yourself. I do think we are somehow related!

Chris H - I hope your house does sell and that your next home is everything you want it to be.

Chelle - I hope you find happiness and contentment in your life. You were one of my first blogging friends and I appreciate your kindness and understanding.

Mama G - Good luck with the new baby, I'm sure you're busy sewing away and getting prepared.

And just in case I have any lurkers out there, thanks for sticking around.

Take care and I'll see you again.

Better

2007-11-03T18:05:00.000-05:00

Today was tournament day which means we are done with soccer, woo hoo!

My father is doing well. I went to see him earlier and I was surprised at how much better he looked and acted. He had his first dialysis treatment this morning which went fine. I look for him to start to feel much better as he has more dialysis.

I'm feeling pretty good emotionally. I had a melt down Thursday night, JR pissed me off and I just lost it. And it was nice. I mean, I think I really needed to unload and honestly, he needed to hear it.

So even though I was exhausted after yesterday, I was fine.

I'm still struggling with wanting to be antisocial and with having absolutely no patience for other people and their dumbness. But it's something I can work through. I am due to start any day now so that has a little to do with that.

I have lots of different things I could bitch about but I'm trying to think and be more positive so I'm not gonna.

I'm off to hopefully go out to dinner. Cuz I ain't cookin'.

Long Day

2007-11-02T20:16:00.000-05:00

Dad has been transferred to another hospital, has had another port put in for dialysis and will probably be starting it tomorrow.

It's been a long day.

I am tired.

Know What I Hate....

2007-11-01T10:19:00.001-05:00

When someone walks in the office and walks right past my desk and acts like I am not sitting there. No hi, bye, kiss my ass, nuthin'!

Thought Life

2007-10-31T12:47:00.000-05:00

I find myself observing other people quite a bit. Even though I know things aren't always as they appear, I feel like everyone else is happier, more content, just all around better off than I am.

I wonder if there is something I'm missing out on, some secret to being happy, content, better.

I do know that there are people that appear happy and content regardless of their circumstances. And of course, most people are not going to spill all their woes in a public setting which makes it real easy to observe someone and think that all is wonderful with them.

I guess feeling this way is really a form of self pity.

I wish I didn't feel like I was missing out. In all honesty, I am missing out but not on some big secret. I'm missing out on life by choosing to think this way.

I've had this mindset for as long as I can remember so I know that it's not something I can change over night.

I'm starting to really study about how our thoughts determine our lives. Now if I can only put it all into practice.

Happy Halloween & Stuff

2007-10-31T08:13:00.000-05:00

Dad was put in the hospital yesterday, he's dehydrated again, kidney function is bad again. You know a person is feeling bad when they actually want to be admitted to the hospital. I have not been to see him yet, he was given a medication to either increase or decrease his potassium and that particular medication causes severe diarrhea. I called to check on him, thinking maybe I could come for a short visit but he was asleep after having explosive diarrhea. I decided to pass on the visit. I have talked with him this morning, he is feeling better and if he continues feeling well, I'll go up to see him today.

Of course today is Halloween so we'll be busy with that tonight. I'm such a slacker, we didn't even carve pumpkins this year, first year ever.

Oh well, I never professed to be super woman.

The office is quiet this morning, you-know-who will not be in today. I have to come to accept that this is just the type of person she is and it's not that she doesn't have any good qualities. She can just be so freaking mean. I used to take it personally, especially when JR and I were getting married. The things she said to me and about me were borderline abusive and I just internalized all of it. I was young though and she intimidated me. Now I just get pissed and sometimes if I feel it's needed, I go back at her. Like I said yesterday, thank God I don't have to live with her.

I guess I should go earn my paycheck.

Just A little Rant

2007-10-30T10:47:00.000-05:00

Back to work today.

And you know, I realize now why I feel like I have the life sucked out of me when I get home.

The bitching is enough to drive me insane.

But at least, I don't have to live with her.

Ok, Enough With Being A Downer

2007-10-29T20:41:00.000-05:00

Yes, we are still sad around here. My poor Trev, I knew out of all the kids, Buster's death would hit him the hardest. He loved that dog. I've been surprised by my own feelings, I've never been one of those die hard dog lovers. I mean I've always loved and cared for my dog as well as all my pets. But I never let Buster sleep with me, he wasn't allowed on our furniture and God, I did cuss him when I had to pick up the piles of shit he would leave in Abby's room. Even with all that, he was very much my dog. He had to be in the same room as me and if he couldn't, he would lay outside the door until I opened it. He loved greeting me when I got home, I've often joked at how out of everyone, he was always the happiest to see me.

But we have to move on.

My father did not end up in the hospital and my sister ended up going to the doctor with him. He's obviously having some kind of reaction to one of his many medications. They've pinpointed one that they feel is the culprit so now he's off of it and hopefully, he'll start to improve. If he is not better by Wednesday, they will put him in the hospital.

I took the day off even though I didn't have to go with Dad. Call it a mental health day. I ran errands, spent money and I even took a 15 minute power nap before picking Trev up from school. I actually cooked a good meal-baked chicken, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, croissant rolls. Yes, a ton of carbs, a total comfort meal but it was so good.

I don't think I've mentioned how I've been having horrible pain in my hip. I'm talking can't walk without pain, can't get up without pain, can't sleep on that side. So I decided that I would take last week off of exercise and wouldn't you know, the pain went away. Last night I went for a walk with JR, did my normal 3 miles at a good clip but I didn't jog/run. I walked. So far no pain. Even though I would like to call myself a runner, I think my body is telling we otherwise. I've also decided to not sign up for another month of training class. I have a hard time not overdoing it when I go and right now, I'm really enjoying not being in pain. I know enough now that I can work out on my own.

Ally had a good day at school. She has moved past the crying stage of her break up. Now she's got the whatever attitude. Thankfully she never got so caught up in him that she ditched her friends so really, her life isn't all that different.

I don't know if it's due to the change in weather, it's finally cooling off here!! But I'm getting the itch to get crafty.

I'm also thinking about getting back on the South Beach diet, I did it in the past and I felt wonderful. It's a lot of cooking and planning but for the love of all things holy, I need to do something.

Before I go, I want to thank all of you that have still stopped by and visited me while I've either been away or a total, freaking depressed mess. I also want to thank those of you who emailed me privately. (((Hugs to you all.))))

Bad News, Again

2007-10-28T20:07:00.000-05:00

Last night our dog was hit by a car and he died.

It has been one very long, emotional day.

The kids are devastated.

And even though I didn't think that I would be, so am I.

I keep looking for him.

My father is not well. I will probably be going to the doctor with him and his wife tomorrow. Something is wrong, the rash is spreading, his arm is swelling and he's confused. He's so weak that I am going so I can help get him into the doctor's office. I will not be surprised if he ends up back in the hospital.

The hits just keep on coming.

Bad Example

2007-10-27T17:36:00.000-05:00

This morning Ally crawled into my bed, in tears. Her eyes were all swollen, snot just a runnin', poor girl was miserable. Trev had come to me about 5 minutes before and told me that around 6am he woke up (all 3 kids crashed in the livingroom last night) and Ally was crying. He didn't know what to do, afraid he would make her angry so he just left her alone. So I was expecting for her to be upset when she woke up again.

So we laid in bed together and I listened as she talked and eventually worked herself out of it. Then I decided a shopping day was in order since soccer tournaments were cancelled, it has rained nonstop here since Wednesday.

I arranged it so that just she and I went shopping. Abby went with my sister, Trev went to a friends and well, JR stayed home. It's deer season after all.

On the way to the mall I got to thinking that maybe I wasn't setting a good example, I mean, I pretty much was passing on the warm and fuzzy qualities of retail therapy. Maybe I should have encouraged her to go for a walk, journal, paint. I don't know. But being the loving mother I am, I encouraged her to spend money and my money at that!

It's been a good day so far for her. Right now we are home, waiting for JR to get out of the tree and we're going to take her to dinner. Yet another bad example, when you're feeling bad, go out to eat.

Before we went to the mall we stopped by my father's. It wasn't a good visit. I know that he is miserable, he has now broken out in a rash that covers his entire body and he can't stop itching. They think it's the antibiotic he was put on due to his butt being broke out from having accidents. So the man has a sore butt, an itchy rash and he's still having pain and there is a possibility the rash is from the pain medication, if so, that will have to be changed. I know that I would not be the nicest person to be around if I was going through all that he is but I thought he would've liked for all us to stop by for a visit.

So not the case.

I won't go into much detail here because I just have to get over it. I need to keep telling myself to not take it personally.

It's hard not to.

I'm sitting here with a glass of wine, don't freak though, I'm not going to drink the entire bottle. I'm going to enjoy dinner, sleep in tomorrow and spend the day futzing around the house, I don't plan on getting out of my sweats.

Everything will be fine. I am fine

Heart Breaker

2007-10-26T20:52:00.000-05:00

My baby has her first real broken heart.

Her boyfriend of 5 months told her tonight that he wants a break, not that he wants to break up, just a break for maybe the weekend.

Yeah, right.

Sounds like the boy doesn't know what he really wants so until he figures it out, he wants to keep Ally in his back pocket. He knows that once other guys at school find out she's single, they'll be following her around like lost puppy dogs.

I've known this was coming so I'm not surprised. It's hard though to see her so upset. My only worry is she will let him continue to jerk her around because she likes him so much.

I can only do so much though.

I've told her she will be fine, that the first few days are the worst.

And that the best revenge is going to school on Monday looking awesome and going on with life as if you're happy even though you're feeling like crap on the inside.

We'll see. They could be madly in love again by Tuesday.

As Promised

2007-10-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

Checkin' In

2007-10-21T18:25:00.000-05:00

Just thought I would check in to let the few of you know that I am ok. Ann-you are such a sweetie, I am going to try and email you, if not you can reach me at accordingtoty@gmail.com.

My FIL spent the last week in the hospital with a staph infection (not the serious one all over the news but still nothing to ignore). With his unexpected illness, JR has had to step up and take care of business. And he has but talk about stressed.

I have been helping with my father. He got very good news on the cancer front, so much so that he is getting a break from chemo for a bit. But he is so close to dialysis it's not funny. His kidney function is bad. He's not drinking or eating because everything tastes bad-a side effect of chemo. He became dehyrated and had to receive IV fluids, thankfully done on an outpatient basis. His not being able to drink is not helping his kidney function. I've tried, the doctor has tried to make him understand that he has to drink.

It's very hard to see him feel so badly.

The kids are well. Ally finished her season with JV field hockey, she will find out tomorrow if they will have her move up to varsity to help them play offs. She hopes they don't and in all honesty I hope they don't either. Trev and Abby will finish up soccer on the 27th, I'm looking forward to that.

Why, I don't know. It's not like I'll be doing anything once sports are over.

And that is something I will have to work on. I refuse to spend another winter, cooped up in the house.

I feel as if I've reached a point where I need to make some decisions. Some aren't going to be easy but need to be made anyway. Which is why I've backed off of blogging.

And just so you know, I'm still keeping track of all of you. Just because I don't comment, I am there in the background.

Shoot me an email, I'd love to here from you.

Taking A Break

2007-10-16T12:25:00.000-05:00

Be back soon.

Better Late Than Never

2007-10-14T09:35:00.000-05:00

Friday night was the Fall Soiree at Trev's school. JR took Trev and Abby to Ally's field hockey game leaving me to either stay home or attend the soiree alone.

I seriously considered staying home. I've had a hard time with social situations as an adult. I know that sounds odd, usually it's the other way around. Most people I know were wall flowers in their younger years and more outgoing as they got older. Not so for me. I went from being very sociable to very antisocial.

Due to my weight.

Anyway.

I decided that I would go and make an appearance at the soiree. Maybe stay 15 minutes. When I got there I was very nervous. There were a lot of people there, most I don't know. But thankfully as soon as I got out of my van, I saw someone I know pretty well and she and I walked in together.

I then ran into the lady that was instrumental in helping me get Trev into this school and we talked for a few minutes.

Yet, I was still uncomfortable and I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I was all set to go but decided I would go down this one hallway to check out the walls-they hang everything the kids do on the walls, it's incredible. So I wanted to see if I could find something Trev had done and then I was going to go.

I rounded the corner and ran into one of my old, old friends from high school. I hadn't seen her in about 9 years. And she's one of the few people from my past that I do enjoy seeing if our paths happen to cross.

We started talking and catching up. And before I knew it, it was almost 10 o'clock.

I spent some time watching her interact with others, she knew a ton of people there. She happens to be very close to the director of the school. And as I watched her I realized how out of the loop I truly am, how introverted I had become, how seriously insecure I was and how I'd let those insecurities pretty much paralyze me.

I had a great time and I'm glad that I went. But I'm also saddened by some of the realizations I had too. I mean I knew I've always been insecure, always. It's just hard to admit and be totally honest about how I've let those insecurities run my life.

I think the biggest thing that I've had to admit is how somewhere along the line I stopped living, stopped being me.

I just stopped. I became a wife and a mother and I don't regret for a single second becoming either of those. Yet I lost myself somewhere in the process. I think most women are guilty of that to some degree.

It goes deeper than just that though. When I gained all my weight, I was so ashamed, I didn't want to face anyone so I stayed home and ate some more. I stopped living. I used being a wife and mother as an excuse.

And I guess another hard thing to come to terms with is now that I feel ready to live again, to be me again, I don't know how. I don't even know who I am. Maybe I never did. When I look back at my youth, I remember always conforming myself into what I thought other people expected me to be.

I'm tired of letting my insecurities rule my life. I'm tired of feeling ashamed.

I want to live, I want to experience all that life has to offer. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, I don't want to keep feeling like somehow I don't deserve to truly live.

It's hard to be 35 years old and trying to find out who the hell I am and what I want in life. Better late than never, right?

So, how do I plan to figure all this out? I haven't a clue.

I did text my friend from the other night, letting her know that it was great to see her and to spend time with her. I told her that I wanted to keep in touch. She received my text but never responded. Of course that has nagged at me, maybe she didn't like seeing me as much as I did her. Just another example of my insecurity. I automatically assume the worst. And it embarasses me more than I care to admit how much it has bothered me that she didn't respond back. And I have found myself going back and forth about never contacting her again-that's probably what she wants anyway-to possibly inviting her over for dinner one night.

I don't know.

I feel stupid even admitting this and I almost didn't blog about it. But I just had this overwhelming need to get it all out.

Even though this is a bit painful, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I feel this way because maybe this will force me to change. I'm thankful that I'm realizing all this now with time to change things.

Of course, I have to figure out what I need to do to change things and then find the guts to do it.

Good Week

2007-10-12T08:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I managed to go to the gym for all 3 classes this week.

This morning was rough. I felt weak and I had a hard time keeping my breathing right which caused me to get that lovely pain in my side.

I didn't eat like I should have yesterday and I think that had a lot to do with feeling so weak this morning. I only ate one meal yesterday, around 2pm. I know better.

I got busy at work so I didn't eat breakfast. I'm not much of a breakfast eater anyway so it's easy for me to skip. Then my sister called me at lunch time to see if I could take our father home, he was done his treatment and his wife couldn't pick him up for another 2.5 hours. So off I went.

Of course seeing him got my stomach in knots. He is really struggling and seeing him like that is so damn hard. He's walking with a cane now, some days he's even in a wheelchair depending on how much pain he's in.

But I plugged along, making small talk, trying to keep things light. We're still feeling our way around each other. It's better though.

I finally grabbed lunch after I took him home and it was McDonald's. Yuck. I always regret eating there. But it was fast and convenient at the time.

Then I ran to pick up Abby and then off to get Trev. I get back home and just curl up in the recliner. And there I stayed until it was time for soccer practice which I was dreading. I just didn't want to be around Barry and Chris. I know it's stupid but it's the truth. Mainly, I'm not in the mood to force myself to be friendly with them. I hate that I feel like I have to. And it's forced on both sides.

It's a long, stupid situation that I couldn't even begin to explain here so I'm not going to bother. It's just something that irritates the shit out of me which makes me angry because I don't want to spend what energy I do have on stupid stuff like that. You know?

So I planted my butt in my chair and kept to myself. I waved and said hello but that was it. I'm not rude but I'm not going out of my way either. I mean this whole situation could probably be made better if JR and I were to reach out and basically smooth things over. I just don't know if I want to.

Whatever.

By the time we got home from practice, I was hungry but I didn't want to eat. So I didn't and I paid the price this morning.

We have another busy weekend ahead with absolutely no down time. Tonight is the Fall Soiree at Trev's school-basically it's a fundraiser and I'm going alone. That's a whole other story too but I'm trying to be more positive so I won't bitch about that too. Then on Saturday we have soccer from 9am to 3pm. And then my in-laws want everyone to come over to eat crabs which means my SIL and her family will be there. Ugh. And then on Sunday is JR's grandmother's big birthday bash, we have to be there at 1pm and who the hell knows when we'll get out of there.

And since I've spent the majority of this post being bitchy and complaining, I have to try and balance it out with listing some positives. Here goes:

I made it to the gym 3 times this week
I have cooked dinner every night this week (great news for our finances)
I have taken my thyroid medication everyday (I forget it all the time)
I have not been consumed with overly anxious thoughts
I have not been panicky
I have gone to bed at a reasonable hour 4 out of 5 nights

So all in all it's been a good week.

Even Though

2007-10-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to be more positive. I have a tendency to focus on the negative. I have the tendency to get overwhelmed by the harder, not so good things in my life.

So I decided that I needed to work on all of that because obviously the way I'm going about things is not working.

I'm trying not to blog so much gloom and doom, thinking that will help me not focus on the gloom and doom. And to a degree it does help but on the other hand, I'm not releasing some of my feelings.

Because even though I'm trying to be more positive, I still feel certain ways, I'm still being faced with certain situations.

Maybe it's a matter of acknowledging the feeling or situation but also acknowledging the good.

Like, even though Barry and Chris may not be the friends we thought they were, we still have other people who are our friends.

Like, even though Dad is so sick, at least we are being given the chance to have a relationship. A real relationship.

I know that I need to change my thought life as well as my eating habits in order to have a better emotional self. I feel like I've turned a corner or that my eyes have been opened and I'm beginning to see what I need to do to be ok.

It's a process and I hope that I can continue to be open and willing to what I need to do.

Encouraging Words

2007-10-10T14:36:00.000-05:00

I went to the gym again this morning. And I was put in the "fit group". Again.

I did pretty good though I did voice my concern at being in that group.

I am able to jog a lot longer than I thought which is a good feeling. But running is whole 'nother story.

Danny (trainer) had us going at the speed of 6.0. For me that is running. Honestly, 5.5 is challenging for me. I can 5.0 pretty well but if you add incline, that changes things.

I'm still learning how to breathe while I jog/run as well.

The most awesome part about this morning was this girl Tameka. She is super fit, she is strong. And she was so encouraging toward me. When we were back on the treadmill the 2nd time and Danny had us go at 6.0, she was right there telling me-You can do it! Just remember to breathe! You're almost there! Don't give up!

And you know, it truly helped me.

It almost brought me to tears because I realized how I never hear those kinds of encouraging words, from myself or anyone else. And I realized how often I don't think I can do anything.

It felt awesome and I don't know if Tameka will ever really know what her encouragement meant to me.

Represent!

2007-10-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

I managed to drag myself to the gym this morning.

My morning training class has grown in size again which means the trainer splits the class in two. Half do the stations, half stay on the treadmills for cardio and then we switch.

Last week I was in the "chubby girl" group and I was cool with that because well, I am a chubby girl. And let me tell you, I was so glad too because the trainer was making the "more fit" group run, a lot and with the incline.

Well, today I was put the with "more fit" group. When the trainer told me to stay on the treadmill but told my fellow chubby girls to head to the stations, my heart hit my feet.

I started feeling nervous-I knew that I would not be able to run like he had made the group last week. I mean, I can jog some but not for too long and not at more than a 2% incline.

But I decided that I would just do what I could do and not pay attention to what the others were doing.

And I'm here to tell you I didn't do half bad. I did have to slow down to a fast walk about 2 minutes before everyone else and I wasn't able to run at the 5.5 speed as long, I had to bring it down to 5.

There were a few times that I felt like I just couldn't do it. Instead I focused on my breathing, keeping my eyes straight ahead. But I ran much longer than I thought I could, I mean I ran more than I walked. I actually only walked the one time when the incline was at 4%.

In the corner of my eye, I could see the one guy to my left looking over at me quite a bit. Maybe it was out of concern-I was awful red in the face. Maybe he was mesmerized by my boobs (I wear two bras but I am a double D, there's only so much I can do to hold the girls in place). Or maybe he was impressed-at the chubby girl, running right along with them, not giving up.

I was wanting to raise my hand and yell Represent! Chubby girls!

I'm sure he wasn't impressed with that though. It was probably my boobs.

Family Drama

2007-10-08T15:02:00.000-05:00

I went to the baby shower yesterday, even though I was so freaking tired from being up all night with teenagers. I just felt like it was the right thing to do.

And sure 'nuff, we had some family drama.

My mother-in-law is one of 7 children. About 5 years ago she had a falling out with her one brother-I don't want to go into great detail only because it's kind of a long story. Basically it had to do with business-John (the brother) felt that my father-in-law was cheating him during the building of his (John's) home. And I can tell you that my FIL has been in business for over 30 years, is well known for his quality work and I can tell you because I do all the bills, we don't cheat anyone. John thinks everyone is out to screw him over though, maybe because he's always out to screw over the next person.

So basically John and his wife, Betty, have not talked with my MIL, FIL, JR or me for I guess it would be 5 years. They do however, talk to my SIL because she goes out of her way to "keep the lines of communication open in hopes of a reconciliation) whereas JR and I wanted nothing to do with John and Betty after they trashed my FIL to everyone. And he did trash my FIL, horribly the whole time the house was being built. He trashed my FIL to his own employees, the subcontractors, everyone.

And even though my MIL would never admit it, this has really hurt her. And I don't want to be a part of anything that will hurt my in-laws. My SIL refuses to see that John and Betty use her to get at my in-laws-use her by inviting only her to their son's wedding, by going out of their way to talk to her in front of them while refusing to even look my in-laws in the eye.

But then I guess it's hard to look someone in the eye when you know you are wrong.

Anyway.

So we're at this baby shower, in the food line. My MIL and I on one side of the table, Betty on the other. And my MIL spoke to Betty, basically extending the olive branch.

And Betty totally dissed her.

I mean, wouldn't even acknowledge she spoke. At all.

I don't know if it was because I was tired. Or maybe it's just how I don't have any patience for bullshit right now. But I got so angry and I was all like-You have got to be kidding me! That is so stupid, can't even say hello! I know she heard me too, she scurried away, head down.

My MIL has caught so much grief from her one sister over this-Aunt Ann thinks my MIL should be the one to reach out and try to smooth things over. Even though my MIL didn't do anything wrong to begin with.

My MIL looked at me and said-And they all think I'm the bitch.

And I said-At least you can say you tried. I wouldn't do it again. The ball is in their court now.

I watched Betty the rest of the day and how she didn't talk with anyone. Except my SIL. And you know, it's really sad because she and John are both so removed from the whole family.

This Sunday is my MIL's mother's birthday party. So Uncle John and Aunt Betty will both be there.

It should be interesting.

Gone Pink

2007-10-08T08:11:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a cue from Ann and gone pink for Breast Cancer Awareness month. My mother's battle began with breast cancer. She found her lump and waited 3 months before going to the doctor, by that point the cancer had attached itself to her chest wall and spread to her lymph nodes.

I am 35 now and I'm planning on getting my first mammogram soon.

Most importantly, don't forget those monthly self exams and if you find something please don't wait, head straight to your doctor.

My mother might be here today if she hadn't waited.

Please Help Me

2007-10-06T23:26:00.001-05:00

My house has been taken over by a bunch of teenagers.

Send help ASAP.

Homecoming

2007-10-05T07:47:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Ally's first Homecoming. She is going to be in the parade, then go to the football game, then we'll spend an hour on her hair (she has a lot of hair and she wants spiral curls) and then I think we have her boyfriend and some friends coming over for pictures before heading off to the dance.

I am borrowing my in-laws' suburban-it's one of the nice, brand new ones so I can tote all these kids around.

And apparently after the dance, we are having quite a few teenagers come back here.

To our house.

While on one hand I am very happy that she wants to have a party here, I really don't know what to do with all of them.

I mean, what do you do after a dance?

See, after all my dances I got drunk. The very first time I ever drank was after my first Homecoming dance.

I never went to after parties where there would be chaperones.

So I'm at a loss.

I just figured I'll buy some junk food and let them rent some movies. We were going to do a bon fire but it's too dry-we're in a drought and living in the woods like we do, a wildfire is totally possible.

I'll be back in a few days with pictures.

Money, yuck

2007-10-03T17:51:00.000-05:00

I sat down today and took an honest look at our finances.

So.Not.Good.

Looks like I'm going to have to rob Peter to pay Paul unless we can get some extra cash flow.

I've already told the kids Christmas will be much smaller than they are used to. Not that it's a bad thing really, they have enough stuff as it is, most of which doesn't get played with anyway.

It's been a very long time since things were this tight.

We'll get through though. One thing we need to change is eating at home more. We spend way too much money on going out to eat, I'd estimate about $400 a month or so. That's a lot. If we can cut back to eating out twice a month at the nicer places we like, we could save $300 or so. Or we could eat out once a week but it would have to be at the local pizza joint with their special.

I'm also going to get back into selling some books and dvds on ebay. I did that a few years back and made $400. It's kind of a pain but we need the money.

It's hard not to get too overwhelmed and stressed when you look at your bills and then look at your checkbook. But having a meltdown won't help the situation.

I'm not frugal by nature though. This will not be easy. Not that I have much choice really, not unless I want to severely in debt and I don't want that.

Are you frugal? Are you in debt?

Selfish and Bitchy

2007-10-02T10:18:00.000-05:00

I know I'm about to sound bitchy.

This is my blog however, so just click the X if I'm on your nerves.

As you can tell by my posts, I'm going through something. Trying to find my way, dealing with a lot of emotions.

With my father being ill, it has brought back so much of what I went through with my mother. I find myself feeling angry because I had finally gotten myself to a place that I didn't think about the hard times as much. I know though that life is not guaranteed to be easy and there are people that I know personally that are going through much worse.

Yet, this is how I feel.

I am the type of person that when I'm going through something hard, I pull away. Sometimes I think it's because I have to have time to work things through in my mind first and I can't do that with people all up in my business. I also have a hard time being around others during times like this because I feel so different. I feel out of place. I guess because I find it near to impossible to make small talk. Or because I can't make myself appear ok when I'm not.

This Sunday is a baby shower for one of JR's many cousins. I do not want to go. But she is someone that I know that has her own mountain to climb, one that is far larger than mine. Her baby will be undergoing major surgery as a newborn because his/her intestines are on the outside of his/her body. The baby will be in the hospital for at least 6 weeks. It's not that I don't want to go for her, it's just that there will be a ton of people there. I feel obligated to go and I feel like I'm being selfish to not go. I don't know.

Then the following Sunday is this huge birthday party for JR's grandmother and I sure as hell don't want to go there. So I was going to fake being sick and send JR and the kids. Then I find out they are going to be doing family pictures, if I don't go I won't be in them. Not that it really bothers me but I think it would bother my kids, especially years down the road.

And if I break it all down and try to get to the root of why I don't want to go to any of these functions-it's my MIL and SIL. My MIL can be very abrasive, insensitive and when I'm in a mood like this, it's just not good because years ago I put up with her shit, now not so much. And my SIL has a way of just, I don't know, she just doesn't think before she speaks. For example, I know she will ask for my father and then she will go on and on about how blessed she was to have never had a parent be so sick. Blah, blah, blah.

I would love to punch her in the nose to see how blessed she feels then.

So tell me, how selfish do I have the right to be?

Done

2007-10-02T07:50:00.001-05:00

I don't know what has happened.

Maybe I'm just tired. Tired of having to do everything, tired of taking care of you, tired of carrying the burdens so you don't have to.

You ask me why I don't intiate sex anymore but you don't like my answer. For years I was the one who always had to intiate things, I know it was because I was heavy and you didn't find me attractive. And now, I'm just tired. Don't you know that sometimes I need to feel you want me? So I just don't even go there anymore.

I know I'm not perfect. I know there are things about me that drive you crazy. And I don't expect you to be perfect.

What I want is for you to step up. Take out the trash when it's overflowing, ask me how you can help with the kids, make an effort to remember when I do tell you when I need help. Basically I want you to give me some consideration.

Sometimes I think you feel you do enough. You work, you provide, you're faithful. And you are. But so am I.

I've given so much of myself for so long and I feel like you've done nothing but take, take, take. I feel like I'm on the verge of having nothing left to give. And that makes me angry. Angry that you have not even noticed.

It's not that I don't love you. I do. But I'm done. I have to take care of myself now and you are going to have to take the backseat for once.

Food for Thought

2007-09-30T17:18:00.000-05:00

The other day I was in my kitchen, in a rush, I was so exhausted I was almost in tears. I started crying out to God-I'm so tired God, I can't live this way, please help me, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I think that was Tuesday or Wednesday, I'm not sure.

I've been worried about my mental state for the last couple of weeks. Worried about my health. And being me, I haven't said a word because maybe I am losing my mind or maybe I'm just weak and can't handle the demands of my life.

I've been hopeless-not seeing a way out of how I was feeling.

On Friday I was at the hospital for about 4 hours (not for myself, but for my dad who had his a-port put in and my FIL had knee surgery) and because of that I didn't eat lunch until I left. I noticed as my day went on, even though I was incredibly busy with a million places to be, I wasn't on the verge of a panic attack.

So then I started going over my day and I realized that I had not consumed my normal pound of sugar during the day.

Lightbulb!

I have been scouring the internet for information about the link between sugar and depression. I know in my heart that my poor diet is at the center of my mood swings, my episodes of depression, my fatigue.

I went to bed feeling hopeful, knowing that with some hard work, I can change my life.

I know this will not be easy because let's face it, sugar is in just about everything we eat. But what's the alternative? Feeling close to a break down just so I can have that danish? I am going to have to cut down on my diet coke consumption which will be just as hard as changing what I'm eating.

I plan on sharing what I learn as I go, whether it be here or on a separate blog that I start. I'm not sure. Right now I'm in the information gathering stage. I want to share this because I know that I am not the only one that is sugar sensitive, I know that I am not the only one who knows something is wrong so maybe they'll stumble upon my blog and they'll see themselves in me.

100 Miles

2007-09-29T20:29:00.000-05:00

I have traveled over 100 miles today. Looking for Homecoming dresses. 100 miles.

We did not get a dress.

But in all honesty it was a good day.

I got to spend a day with Ally. I also did a good deed by taking Ally's friend KC-her mother is in the hospital recovering from surgery, this is the mom I've mentioned before that is battling cancer.

I was able to catch up on all the high school gossip-it's funny how if I go about it that way, under the guise of just wanting to know the gossip, I can find out what's going on in Ally's life too.

I shipped Abby off to my MIL and Trev spent the day with JR doing guy stuff. I told my dad and my sister I would be gone all day and that I probably wouldn't be in touch until Sunday.

I needed a break.

So traveling 100 miles was worth it.

Back

2007-09-28T12:28:00.000-05:00

Some days I feel like I'm going back in time.

Sitting in the hospital, waiting.

Forcing myself to appear upbeat, unfazed.

Trying to keep conversation light.

Feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.

Chewing tums to ease my stomach.

Popping advil to get rid of the headaches and the pain in my jaw from clenching my teeth.

But I will get through it.

Somehow.

Awhile

2007-09-27T19:03:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile old friend.

You bring a sense of relaxation.

Warmth.

Ease.

Of course, I know that I'm using you, using you to ease my tension.

See, with your help I can make myself believe that everything is ok.

I can believe that I'm not going to have to watch someone suffer again.

I can believe that I can keep everyone happy.

I can believe that I am fulfilled.

Me

2007-09-27T07:39:00.000-05:00

Beyond tired.

Angry.

Stifled.

Misunderstood.

Lost.

Disgusted.

Sad.

Scared.

Frustrated.

Insecure.

Lonely.

So incredibly lonely.

Blog Funk

2007-09-24T08:12:00.000-05:00

I have another busy week ahead.

Nothing good to blog so I'm not going to try.

I'll be making my usual blog rounds, I might lurk though until I get out of this blog funk or whatever funk I'm in.

Enjoy

2007-09-21T11:56:00.001-05:00

I went to visit with my father this morning. I have not seen him for about 2 weeks due to being sick.

My dad is a big man, not tall, he's only about 5'10 but has a barrel chest and arms to match. He has always looked young for his age.

But God has he aged over the past 2 weeks. Now that his body has released most of the fluid, he just looks-old. The fluid retention hid how he has been wasting away, how the cancer is eating away at his body.

He has gone from being a man that could haul himself up into an 18 wheeler with ease to having to use a wooden box to get in his average sized pick up. He walks slightly hunched over because of the pain.

He is having a kidney biopsy Monday or Tuesday, he is nervous, apprehensive and rightly so. It's hard watching him try to hide his fear.

We are still a bit awkward with each other. It is so weird to have him tell me that he is glad to see me, glad that I came over, to hear happiness in his voice when I said I wanted to come visit. I hope that having my sister and I reaching out, being involved, helps at least a little. I hope that if something were to happen today, that he would know deep in his soul that all is well.

Because it is. I realized today that for the first time in probably 20 years, I'm not angry with him anymore. The past is just that, what is important is the here and now and what we do with it.

I've been incredibly stressed this week. I've had no patience with my kids, jumping on them for everything, for nothing. I've been avoiding JR, when I have been around him, I'm short tempered and snippy.

I'm spending too much time sweating the small stuff. I'm wasting time being angry rather than enjoying my life. There's nothing like watching someone you love face their mortality, it makes you face your own. Even though no one knows how long they have on this earth, I can't help but wonder about my future. My mother was diagnosed with cancer at 51 years old and died when she was 57. And now my father has been diagnosed with cancer at 67. Just by looking at my parents I can see how short life really is.

I can't continue this way. I want to enjoy my children, my husband, my life while I'm well enough to.

So for today I'm enjoying doing absolutely nothing this afternoon, you did read that right, I'm doing nothing. JR is picking Trev up from school and Abby is riding the bus home. I've already been to the grocery store. I have nothing to do and nowhere to be until later on. We will be going as a family to Ally's field hockey game and then out to a nice dinner.

Tomorrow we have soccer games first thing but after that we plan on spending the weekend together as a family. And I'm going to enjoy it.

Losing It

2007-09-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

I'm running so much that I'm passing myself along the way.

I think I'm going to need to rethink my schedule because honestly, there is no fucking way I can continue like this.

Something has got to give.

Too Lazy To Title This

2007-09-18T07:29:00.000-05:00

I am still sick but not sick enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. I took a mental health day yesterday and proceeded to run around all day rather than relax which is what I really needed to do. I'll never learn.

Today is another full day-kids to school, dog to the vet, work, pick up dog from the vet, pick up kids from school, run home for about an hour, off to Ally's game and finally back home to stay until tomorrow morning. And the craziness starts again.

I have a feeling I need to increase my cell phone minutes because I'm always on it now only because I'm going from here to there so often that I make a lot of my phone calls while I'm waiting for one kid or another. I'm sure Verizon is just loving me this month, I've gone from never using my phone to over using it.

I have been exercising like crazy but I'm taking the day off today. I'm having some problems with my right hip, I'm not stretching enough I think. I would love to do my pilates dvd but when I'll have the time today is beyond me.

As you can tell I have nothing of real substance to blog about today. I could blog about my dad and how different things are now but I'm not ready to go there, not that there's anything bad going on, it's actually good but different.

I do want to mention how well Trev is doing in his new school. He brought home 3 math papers last week with grades of 100%, 92% and 83%-he's never had grades like that in math. Ever. I was telling Trev how good he'd done and he was surprised because he had not even looked at the grades, he didn't even know he'd done so well. He told me that he doesn't usually look at his grades because they are usually bad ones so he just doesn't bother. And then he looked at me and said-Mom, I may just be smart. How awesome is that?!

Hearing him say that, seeing his confidence grow makes all the running around and an empty savings account completely worth it.

Good Weekend

2007-09-16T17:50:00.000-05:00

No I didn't go do anything fun this weekend.

Yesterday I went to Trev's soccer game, nearly froze my ass off. It was cold and windy, felt like fall. Abby had a friend come over which she never gets to do, we went to the park to play on the new playset. Well, I didn't play on the playset, I walked the trail.

This morning Abby wanted to go to Sunday School with her friend so I started pulling out some clothes from last year and nothing fit her. Nothing. So after church we went to the mall and I spent way too much money but at least now she has jeans and some nicer clothes that fit her.

It actually ended up being a girls day because Ally went too. It was nice. It seems like whenever we go like that, I get caught up on everything going on with Ally. Not that we don't talk everyday but some days with our busy schedules, I don't get good, quality catching up time with anyone.

My father ended up having a rough end of the week. He was doing well but still having problems with retaining fluid. When he went in for his 2nd chemo treatment on Thursday, he was feeling horrible. They did the normal bloodwork before chemo and found he was in need of another blood transfusion. His kidney function is decreasing again as well and he was showing signs of congestive heart failure (CHF) due to the all the fluid. So they didn't do his treatment, obviously. He went on Friday for his transfusion and an echocardiogram to check his heart since chemo can affect the heart. The echo came back fine and he's set to have to go ahead with chemo tomorrow. I talked with him today and he says he feels good, that he's not as swollen which he shouldn't be now that they've doubled his lasix. He's loopy though, sometimes I wonder if he even remembers talking to me.

My husband's cousin has a son that is a little over a year old who has just been diagnosed with neuroblastoma (I think that is the correct spelling). He's in Sinai hospital in Baltimore, starting chemo. His parents took him to the doctor because he was constipated but he actually had a large tumor that was pressing on his rectum, not allowing him to poop. He's had 2 chemo treatments I think and he has started pooping which means the tumor has shrunk. His parents were overjoyed when he pooped the first time, really puts things in perspective. Usually a poopy diaper isn't something you are happy to see but in this situation it's a wonderful sign. One cool thing is through Sinai the parents were able to set up a webpage to give everyone updates and you can leave messages which is really nice since most of us don't live nearby but we can still offer support and encouragement.

You just never know do you? How quickly your life can change.

I'm taking tomorrow off work. I was only going to work until 11:30 anyway, Abby has a half day of school. So I decided I was going to take a mental health day and stay home.

I need a mental health day, I don't know, I'm run down. I feel blah. Granted I've been on the period from hell and I've had this nagging cold for a week so it could be just that. I've started journaling again which is something I haven't done in years. I bought this little notebook that I keep in my purse so when I have some time while waiting for Trev to get out of school or while the kids are practicing, I can journal. On Friday I sat in a parking lot outside a bookstore and journaled. It was good.

On a lighter note, can you freaking believe Big Brother 8?! I was so pissed when Dick won the HOH competition I almost threw the remote at the tv. I cannot believe the Donatos are in the final two. The thing is I see Dick giving Danielle half if he wins but you'd better believe if Danielle wins, she's gonna keep every penny and kick him out of her life again. Hell she'll take half from Dick and kick him to the curb. What.a.joke. I keep saying I'm not going to watch the finale but I know I will, just to see what kinds of things the jury has to say.

And is everyone ready for the new Survivor? And the new season of CSI (the original)? And NCIS?

Man, I think I watch too much tv.

This and That

2007-09-13T07:25:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's Thursday, this week has flown by.

I really have nothing good to blog about. My life at the moment is shuttling kids to school, picking kids up from school, taking kids to practices, taking kids to games. I feel like I'm living out of my van.

Trev is still loving his new school. He can't wait to go, homework has not been a struggle and I swear I can already see a change in his confidence level. I love the atmosphere at his school, it's hard to describe what the difference is. I know that Trev feels cared about, that he means something and because of that he wants to give his teachers his best.

Ally went to the orthodontist yesterday and had this contraption put on her braces. It looks like two very small hydraulic shocks and it's going to bring her lower jaw forward. Rubber bands do the same thing but she needed more help than the bands were providing. She didn't wear her rubber bands like she should have though. So now she has this thing in her mouth and will have it for at least 2 months, if there is improvement after that they will remove it and she'll go back to rubber bands. She was miserable this morning, her mouth was hurting pretty badly. On a good note though, she is doing great in field hockey. She is considered their #1 defense for JV and when JV's season is over, she will probably go up to varsity and finish out their season. She will also be going to play-offs with varsity.

Abby is doing well, having a few problems at school with a couple of girls, nothing too extreme though. She starts back to dance next week and she wants to start horse back riding lessons. I told her that she was going to have to let something go because between soccer,dance and Girl Scouts, we don't have a night free for anything else. Unless she waits until after soccer is over. She kind of wants to quit Girl Scouts, I would hate to see her do that though.

JR and I doing well. We're just so busy that we don't have time to really interact.

My father is doing good. He started chemo on Monday but I haven't seen him since last week. I've been sick so I can't be around him. I've talked with by phone so we're still on the road to making things ok.

Well, I need to do payroll. My in-laws are away again, JR is out to a job so I'm running the office by myself. I'm not complaining though, it's nice and quiet.

I hope to do something fun this weekend. Abby and Trev's games are both at 9am which means we'll be free to do whatever by 10:30am. I have no idea what I want to do and what we could even go but I need to do something. So if I'm not around you know why.

I Can Breathe

2007-09-12T08:36:00.000-05:00

This stuff totally rocks!

Yesterday I woke up so congested that I thought my head was literally going to explode and it was one of those times where you can't blow anything out, not even a little. Within five minutes of using this stuff I could actually breathe through my nose and my headache went away.

Just so you know, it burns like a mother but not for too long.

Expectations

2007-09-10T06:17:00.000-05:00

First, please forgive me if this post makes little to no sense. I have a cold and I feel like my brain is sludge right now.

I've been thinking about my expectations of others a lot. Probably due to the situation with my father. I have found that since I have gone into this "thing" with my dad with absolutely no expectations, it has made me realize how much I have expected from others and how often I come away disappointed.

Maybe because I expect so much out of myself?

Granted there are certain things that are ok to expect from others. For instance, it's completely normal to expect your spouse to be faithful.

I hold myself to the golden rule, treat others as you would want to be treated. Unfortunately, that is probably why I have been disappointed so often. Just because I may go out of my way to be sensitive to other peoples feelings, doesn't mean that anyone else will. For me it's a no brainer but what I've come to realize is that a lot of the time, what I perceive as being insensitive is really the other person/people not even realizing they are being that way.

One thing I've noticed that I do is put expectations on my MIL to be as involved with my children as my mother was. Time after time I have come away disappointed, even angry. But how fair am I being? My MIL is not my mother and I shouldn't expect her to be.

Another situation is one with this couple we are friends with. I have realized that I had just as much to do with all that as they did. Sure I would love to put it all on them but if I am going to be honest here, I have to admit my part in it. Just because I may have handled everything differently if the situation had been reversed, I shouldn't have expected them to handle it the way I would have.

Now I do think it's completely fair to expect to be treated with common courtesy but sadly, that isn't always gonna happen either. Some people are just assholes. But don't you think, more often than not, people are good? Not perfect but good.

I'm hoping that I can take what I've realized about myself and change things. I think if I'm able to let some of my lofty expectations go, I will be happier, more at peace.

It's amazing what has changed with my dad over the last couple of weeks. The doubting Thomas part of me swears the change on his part is because he's on pain medication (wouldn't you be nice if you were taking oxycontin and percocet?). I went into this with no expectations and it's been nice. Yesterday I didn't expect him to make it to Ally's party and he wasn't able to come. He did call her though which is something he has never, ever done in her 14 years. And since I had no expectations, I was pleasantly surprised.

Do you expect a lot of others? Do you find yourself disappointed or let down? Do you expect a lot out of yourself?

Hot

2007-09-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

Today was opening day of soccer and God was it hot. I am so ready for fall, I know I'll regret saying that because after fall comes winter and I get all down in the winter because everything looks so blah outside and it's too cold to do anything. But I am tired of being hot and having to use the air condition.

My throat is a tad raw, I think from yelling during the games. Yes I am a yeller but it's always in encouragement and praise. I'm not an asshole, I swear.

I'm feeling stuffed up though, not sure if it's allergies, I've heard allergies are "bad" right now but I don't know why and I'm not one to have allergies. It could be a cold though I hope it's not. I have been run down lately and stressed to the max which makes me get sick after awhile.

Tomorrow is Ally's birthday, I'm having family over for dinner and then cake and ice cream. I used to do that every single birthday for each kid but after Mom died, I stopped. It hurt to have family gatherings.

My Dad plans to come but he's extremely constipated (I know, TMI) and he's taken some kind of laxative or something. Well he's actually taken several different things but now he's using the big boy of all laxatives, something you use to clean out in preparation for colonoscopies or something. So I guess if he's able to leave the bathroom, he will be here.

Dad starts chemo on Monday. He will be doing IV therapy rather than oral, originally they thought he could take the pills but since his kidneys aren't 100% and his blood sugars are still all over the place, he has to do the IV chemo because those drugs will not interfere with his kidney function or his blood sugars. Of course Dad says he's not doing chemo, just drugs that are like chemo. It is really chemo but you know, if that is what he has to tell himself to cope, who am I to change that?

Trev had a great first week of school, next week will be an entire week though but so far he's loving it. He told me he wishes we had sent him there sooner and honestly, so do I.

I've got a post I want to write about expectations, I've done alot of thinking about that the last few days, how I expect way too much out of other people and because of that I'm left disappointed a lot. I hope to post it sometime this week when I get it all straight in my mind.

Well, I need to run, we're going to dinner at Friendly's (oh yeah, I'm totally gonna have a Jim Dandy sundae). And we're actually going out with other people who are not family.

Can You Relate?

2007-09-06T08:17:00.000-05:00

Good

2007-09-05T19:48:00.000-05:00

Today was Trev's first day at his new school. Trev is not a kid that gets overly emotional, so when he cries I know that he is extremely upset.

He was fine this morning until I put the van in park and it was time for him to get out. He started to cry and it was all I could do to not cry with him. Being the tough boy that he is, he got himself together and went in, all his own. Thankfully he was met by one of his teachers as soon as he got out of the van and she was so nice and upbeat, she immediately put him at ease.

As soon as I pulled away I started bawling. I just cried and cried and cried, second guessing putting him in the school to begin with, taking him from his friends.

Damn hormones did not help at all.

I went immediately to see Dad, he was supposed to have his kidney biopsy and I wanted to be there and I only had time to go in the morning. But Dad didn't end up having the biopsy, his platelets are too low and the doctor is just not comfortable doing the biopsy right now. Instead they discharged him and they will check his platelets in a week to ten days and if everything looks good, they will do the biopsy as an outpatient procedure.

I left there and went back to pick up Trev, he had a half day. I was on edge, hoping that he'd had a good day. When he came out, he was smiling so I knew it couldn't have been too bad and when he got in the van he was so excited and happy. He had a wonderful day and he can't wait to go back tomorrow.

My son can't wait to go to school. I never thought I'd hear those words from him.

I nearly started crying, damn hormones. And I felt like I could breath, I didn't even notice how tense I'd been.

We went to lunch and then I took him to get his haircut since his hair was too long for the dress code. When we got home, I was beyond exhausted. I mean, I've been tired the last 2 weeks or so but wow, it was like my body just shut down. I laid down and fell asleep and slept for over an hour and really I probably would've slept longer if my SIL hadn't called and I'm thankful she woke me up because it was almost time for Trev's soccer practice.

I feel so much better, I guess I was more worried about Trev starting this new school than I thought. And now Dad is home so it'll be easier to visit with him.

At least for today, everything is good.

Losing Myself

2007-09-04T20:13:00.000-05:00

I know that it's close to that lovely time of the month for me so my emotions are a tad all over the place. I go from being grumpy and irritated to sad and gloomy.

Oh lovely hormones.

I've been struggling with feelings of being overwhelmed, it's like this at the beginning of every school year. Trying to get used to having a schedule again after having the summer months off. Part of me looks forward to it but now that the kids are older and involved in different activities, it's a lot to keep track of.

Add on top of that having to work more and a FIL that wants to retire which requires my husband to take the reins. Just one more reason to have some anxiety.

Then the final icing on the cake would be having an ill father who is the hospital that is 45 minutes away one way. A father that I'm trying to form a relationship with, a father that I'm still not comfortable around.

I have managed to walk the last 3 days, trying to take some me time and do something good for myself as well. Plus don't they say exercise is good for anxiety?

I'm fighting resentful feelings, feelings I've had before. I'm so ashamed of them I don't even want to post them here. I don't want to sound like a selfish, whiny brat.

There is no real purpose to this post other than I just needed to vent. I keep telling myself that I will get through this, that even though I will be busy I won't lose myself in the process.

Please tell me that I won't.

My Life Bullet Style

2007-09-04T10:27:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow Trev starts his new school, as nervous as I am for him, I'm ready to have some down time
Dad is still in the hospital, his kidney function has improved but it's not where it should be so he might be having a biopsy today or tomorrow to make sure nothing else is going on
I realized that I have talked with Dad every single day for the past week and I have seen him 3 times, talk about a change, I usually see him 3 times a year
Abby and Trev have soccer practice tonight and Abby also has her first Junior Scouts meeting, not sure if we're going to manage to get to the meeting though
My sister's picnic went well, I got to see my aunt and uncle that I don't see very often, plus some of my cousins and I didn't even have to drink to get through it
On the alcohol front I don't drink very often now and when I do it's in a controlled amount, I have to look at alcohol as I do food, I have to be very conscious of what I'm consuming and why
I am so confused on what day it is, it feels like Monday but it's really Tuesday, I hate that
I've been drinking too much Diet Coke again because I've been so damn tired and I'm starting to feel bad from it
Money is so tight right now for us, it's been a long time since we were this tight, I'm gathering stuff to sell on ebay, I wish I had some other kind of talent or way to make some extra cash
Got any good ideas?
Time for lunch, Trev is currently stalking me, I think he is hungry

Well

2007-09-02T11:18:00.000-05:00

I think JR is quite happy, all I can say is oh my poor aching thighs.

Nuff said.

Yesterday was spent finishing up school shopping, Ally got her supply list and we had to have everything for Tuesday. One thing on her list was a graphing calculator that she needs for her honors math class. Do you know that damn thing cost $100?! I am getting a $15 rebate though.

Today my sister is having a picnic. I think she invited some of our relatives from Mom's side of the family. Oh joy. I see several alcoholic drinks in my future.

Dad is still in the hospital, hopefully he will come home today. He has responded very well to the treatment to get his kidneys functioning again. I guess once he gets home the next step will be starting cancer treatment.

Tomorrow we will be celebrating my FIL's birthday which is technically today. I'm hoping the weather stays good so we can spend the day outside on the river. I really don't want to be cooped up in the house with my SIL, her grumpy ass husband and her 3 kids that cry.all.the.time.

I know my attitude stinks right now. I went to the gym this morning to work off some frustration, it felt good to be back there. But I'm still feeling a bit hateful. I don't know. The stress of this past week and knowing the upcoming week won't be much better, well, just doesn't help.

I'm off to make brownies and get a shower.

Just So Thankful

2007-08-30T09:14:00.000-05:00

JR made it home safe and sound yesterday.

And I want to take some time and talk about him.

We have hit a rough patch over the last 6-9 months. I've shared a little here and there. It's nothing huge. I think it's just one of those things that happens from time to time in marriages. I haven't felt as connected which makes me pull within and then he senses my pulling away which makes him step back. I guess that is what you would call a vicious circle.

I felt that this little bit of time apart would be a good thing for both of us.

And it was.

He went hunting with a group of people from our area, a couple of them he has gone on hunting trips with before-Larry and James. The last time he went away with Larry, Larry fessed up to how he likes to visit "massage parlors", that when he goes to the city for sporting events, he'll leave the game early so he can go get a "massage". According to Larry you get "worked over pretty good" when you go to one of these places.

These hunting trips are out in the middle of nowhere so unless they fly in one of those wonderful "massage therapists", it's really not an issue.

I know Larry and I didn't have much respect for him before I found out about his fondness of "massage parlors". But when I found out that he does this frequently, without protection and then goes home to his wife, he lost what little respect I had for him.

But ultimately, it's none of my business. He's not my husband, not my problem. I'm not friends with his wife and honestly, she may know about it and not care.

So whatever.

I found out last night that when JR and the rest of the group were in Montreal, Larry was pushing for everyone to go out and find a "massage parlor". Even James, who I also know and who I would have never thought would want to do something like that, was all for it. Actually every single man wanted to go.

Except for my husband.

And they rode his ass for it and kept pressuring him about it.

Maybe they just don't understand the implications of doing something like that. But really, they are too selfish to even care about the implications.

I'm so thankful to be married to a man who loves and respects me enough to first of all, not want to put me at risk for disease and second of all, to not want to break the commitment we've made to one another.

I'm thankful that he loves and respects me enough to not want to hurt me like that. He knows that is the one thing that would absolutely just crush me.

There would've been a day that I would've doubted that he loved me that much. Not because of him but because of the issues I've had.

And I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to know, to really know that I can trust him with my heart.

I may not be around much the next few days because I'm going to be spending a lot of my free time showing that man just how much I am thankful.

I think he will be a very happy man.

Should Be

2007-08-29T08:19:00.000-05:00

I should be working on my labor billing.

I should be breaking down one of our large building supplies bills and charging it out.

Instead I'm sitting here, drinking my 1st diet coke of the day, cruising around some blogs.

In silence.

It's wonderful.

Girls are off to school, Trev is with my MIL helping her take care of 2 of my SIL's brats.

This is the first time I've been completely alone in weeks.

I remember back when I was a stay at home mom and the kids were all small and how I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have alone time.

Having time to be alone is always so much better when you've had a hectic few days. It's nice to sit in silence for just a little while.

Tired & Bitchy

2007-08-28T20:10:00.000-05:00

I am so, I don't know, worn out, tired.

I have this constant nagging feeling of something just not being right.

Maybe because of my father.

Or because JR has been gone for a week.

Or because the kids are all going in different directions.

I don't know but I hate feeling like this.

I remember feeling like this alot when Mom was ill, waiting for the other shoe to drop because it seemed like something was always going wrong.

I had a long visit with Dad today at the hospital. It was awkward but I'm glad I went and he told me that he was glad I came. He looked really good and he's feeling better.

Abby is having a few problems with Gabby. At least they aren't in the same class. But Abby needs to decide whether she wants to play this drama game or not.

Ally had her first field hockey game tonight, they lost but only by 1 point. Tomorrow she gets out early because the school is having a memorial service for Mr. Andrews.

By the looks of things, we will be out every night this week for soccer and probably for the entire soccer season. I was so hoping Abby and Trev would have practice the same nights.

Dammit.

I ran into one half of the couple I bitched about a few posts back. He was polite but barely. Bastard.

I don't know. It's just sad. It's amazing how friendships can change. Of course, I'm starting to wonder if they were ever our friends to begin with.

I know I'm just being bitchy.

Sorry.

More About Dad

2007-08-27T20:17:00.000-05:00

My sister went with Dad and Dawn to see his hematologist. His official diagnosis is light chain multiple myeloma. He was put in the hospital immediately because of his kidney function, they are pumping him full of iv fluids trying to flush his kidneys, he may have to do some dialysis.

His broken ribs are due to the myeloma as well.

Thankfully this diagnosis isn't necessarily a death sentence. But it is cancer.

I plan on going to visit him tomorrow. He's not in our local hospital, he's in a bigger hospital 45 minutes from here.

I may not be around much between going to visit him, Ally's first scrimmage game and Abby's soccer practice, I don't think I'll be near a computer during the day.

I'll be damn glad when JR gets home because I'm running in circles.

Two Down

2007-08-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

Ally is off to her first day of high school. High school! This morning as she got on her bus, I was brought back to putting her on the bus for pre-k, that was 10 years ago but feels like yesterday.

I then took Abby to her school where all the children meet in the cafeteria and get with their teachers. Abby immediately hooked up with some friends that she hadn't seen all summer, gave me a quick kiss and sent me on my way. As I was leaving, I almost ran head on into Abby's nemesis.

A girl named Gabby who had moved away, who was not on any of the class lists, who very well could be in Abby's class.

So not good.

This is the girl that gave Abby a hard time for months, calling her names, telling on her for things she did not do, talking about her to everyone.

Then one day Gabby decided to get physical, she slapped Abby on the leg and dug her with her fingernails. See, Gabby thought Abby would just take it, like she had everything else.

Not so.

Abby turned around and pinched the shit out of that girl. Abby is the Queen Pincher at our house, just ask her brother and sister.

Gabby started crying and told the teacher.

But she never touched Abby again.

And then thankfully, she moved away and all was well.

So I'm hoping, praying that she is not in Abby's class.

I had a pretty good weekend. I managed to get everything done on my list except vacuum, the house is picked up and neat otherwise. I finished the party invitations, I forgot to take a picture of one so I could post it here, I was really pleased with how they turned out. I took the kids out for a nice dinner and managed to get some reading in too.

I have to admit that I'm glad school started today. The kids are getting on each others nerves and they are really getting on my nerves with the bickering.

I'll be glad to have JR back home. My hat goes out to all the women who have husbands that travel a lot or away on deployment because even though I do handle most things regarding the kids and our home, at least JR is around most of the time so I can rely on him when I really need to.

I'm off to pay bills, yuck.

Just So You Know

2007-08-24T08:12:00.000-05:00

Just in case you were wondering....

Dad's CT scan and bone scans all came back showing nothing remarkable other than a hernia and 3 broken ribs. He's had 3 broken ribs since he hurt himself at work early this summer and he's just been dealing with it. I don't know what the next step will be, he sees the hematologist on Monday. From everything I read a bone marrow biopsy is the only way they can stage the myelodysplasia and Dad thought he was having a biopsy this week but it was only bone scans but I'm thinking the doctor must have mentioned a biopsy for Dad to be thinking that. My sister, who is a nurse, is going with Dad and Dawn to the doctor on Monday which is a good thing.

I'm going to try something starting today through the weekend. I'm going to turn this laptop off and leave it off until Monday. I think I may even put it away, out of sight out of mind. I find myself getting on here and before I know it 2 hours has past. I've gotten seriously hooked on Fortune Bingo at pogo.com so between that and reading blogs, I can be on here forever. And since this is our last weekend of summer vacation, I don't want to spend it on the computer.

Here is what I hope to do this weekend:

-Spend some time with the kids
-Take the kids out for a nice meal, I'm craving some seafood!
-Read
-Work on birthday party invitations-I'm going to have family over for Ally's 14th b-day and I'm making the invitations
-Read
-Go over all school supplies and make sure we have everything
-Walk at least once
-Get all my laundry done and put away
-Clean the house so I don't have that hanging over my head next week
-Read

So, I won't be around for the next few days. Sometimes I even wonder if I should keep blogging. It's not like I have a lot of readers, maybe because I don't visit a lot of blogs, maybe because I'm boring as hell, who knows. But then do I blog just to have readers or do I blog as an outlet?

Either way, I'm taking a break for the weekend.

If I can stand to stay away from Fortune Bingo.....

Sad News

2007-08-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

The vice principal at Ally's high school was killed today, you can read a little about it here.

We don't have a lot of crime around here so the car theft and subsequent chase is a huge deal and then add the death of Mr. Andrews on top of it all, a man that was well known in this area and it becomes as Trev would say, a ginormous deal.

If the stuff I'm hearing is true, the car/truck was stolen from the Royal Farms which is right next door to my work.

Crazy.

My heart goes out to the family.

So Not Cool

2007-08-23T12:33:00.000-05:00

Ally - Today is Thursday right Mom?

Me - Yes.

Ally - That means tomorrow is Friday!

Me - Yes.

Ally - Friday is almost Monday!

Me waiting silently.

Ally - Monday is the first day of school!

Me - Yes, it is.

Ally - That is so not cool Mom! So not!

Off she goes in a rush, to get herself perfectly together for field hockey. I know it sounds silly but she already looks like a high school student should. She's wearing her hair a little different and talking about hanging around girls that I don't know.

This week is flying by though and there is a part of me that is saddened by the end of summer being just a few days away. But then I also know that it's time for a more structured schedule. It's hard because I know Ally is going to be bombarded with a whole new realm of peer pressure and all I can do is keep talking with her so my voice will be in the back of her mind during those times she's having to deal with being pressured.

I am exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. And I want ice cream.

So not cool.

Irritating

2007-08-22T20:16:00.001-05:00

Just to forewarn you I may be throwing the F bomb around in this post.

Sometimes people get on my nerves.

I hate being snubbed, I hate when people treat you differently and you haven't even done anything to deserve it.

I hate that certain people need so much damn attention that when you can't devote every fucking second of your free time to them, they get offended.

I mean, I'm sorry that our lives got a little busy with a son that was ill and had surgery and a mother that was very ill and had major surgery. I'm sorry that we had to work more hours and that JR can't just take off work whenever you want-I guess you're more important than our customers who would like their new homes finished so they can move the fuck in.

If holding your hand and gushing over you is the only way we can be friends then it's better this way. Get over yourself, life isn't all about you.

*******Rant over********

And just so you know this isn't about anyone out in blogland.

This and That

2007-08-21T21:12:00.000-05:00

I took my dad dinner, the kids and I didn't stay long. Dad looked wiped out, hopefully he'll feel a little better tomorrow now that he's had his transfusion. Tomorrow he has another full day at the hospital having a CT scan, bone scan and then a doctor's appointment.

I took the kids shopping, specifically to get Ally a white t-shirt that she needs tomorrow-her field hockey team is decorating the shirts to wear to school. Can you believe I forgot to get the damn shirt? I went to Target, spent $79 and forgot the shirt.

My brain is just a bit scrambled. I've been running all day on about 3 hours sleep.

JR made it safely to Canada. I talked with him briefly just a little while ago, he sounded frazzled, they had a hard time getting their parking situation straight or something. Hopefully the rest of his trip will be on a better foot.

I made myself go back to work today. I did tell my MIL about Dad, I'll let her tell everyone else. Tomorrow I will be heading out to get a white t-shirt. Hopefully I'll remember.

Can't Sleep

2007-08-20T21:40:00.000-05:00

I can't turn off my brain enough to go to bed.

I've been doing some research about my father's condition, I actually found a website for an organization for those with myelodysplasia which had a lot of good information. I believe in having as much knowledge as possible though sometimes after finding out certain things, I wonder if ignorance is truly bliss.

I'm taking my dad dinner tomorrow night. It took me all day to work up the nerve to call and tell them that I wanted to bring them dinner. I was so afraid of being told no even though I know that Dad wouldn't be saying no because he doesn't want me there, he just doesn't want me to put myself out. And he did tell me that I didn't have to but I told him I wanted to and that I wouldn't offer if I did not have the time. He sounded pleased.

One more step taken.

JR is leaving for his trip early tomorrow morning. For quite some time I've been looking forward to our little break but now, I wish that he wasn't leaving.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I have not told my in-laws yet about Dad and there's a part of me that doesn't want to. Not yet and I may not.

I've got a headache and I'm hungry, I haven't eaten much today. I've had this pit in my stomach, food has just not been very appealing. That in itself shows how bad my nerves are.

I'm trying to be as positive as I can. Short of a miracle, Dad will not be cured, completely healed. Depending on how "bad" his condition is determines how well the disease can be managed.

It's just that all of this brings back so much. I remember all the same words with Mom-managing the disease, quality of life, staging.

I don't want to appear selfish because I know this is not about me. But God, there's a part of me that doesn't think I can watch him suffer. I just don't know if I can go through all that again. I nearly lost my mind after Mom died.

On the other hand though, I know that I will do what I have to do. Even if it's hard, even if I don't want to.

My Dad Part 3

2007-08-20T10:41:00.000-05:00

My dad has myelodysplasia.

I guess the tests he's having this week will determine how bad the situation really is. Worst case scenario it's developed into leukemia. Best case scenario he will have to have blood transfusions from time to time because chronic anemia is common with this disease.

Either way Dad is very ill.

Time

2007-08-19T09:06:00.000-05:00

All week I've been thinking about how quickly time goes by. As I've watched Ally take her first steps into being a high school student, I remembered her first steps into being an elementary school student. I watched her try out for field hockey and remembered her first year of soccer way back in 1999.

How quickly time has gone.

I hate that there is so much time that I lost due to my mom being sick for years and then due to the depression that followed her death. That is time I will never have back. If only I had realized that beforehand but I think we all are guilty of getting caught up in the moment. I know for myself I've been so busy raising the kids that I have not taken the time to enjoy them like I should.

I have let anger, resentment, bitterness get in the way of what is most important. Sometimes it's easier to feel those emotions than to let them go and move on. It's not so easy to forgive.

I believe that we are all given the chance to see, to recognize, to acknowledge when a change is needed. This can be applied to any situation-being told by your doctor that your blood pressure is high which prompts you to change your diet and exercise, getting your child's report card with failing grades which prompts you to get him/her extra help, going to dinner with your spouse and having nothing to talk about prompts you to turn off the tv and spend time together trying to reconnect.

Or having an ill parent that you've never had a close relationship with and being given the chance to change that.

Of course we all have free will and we don't have to change one single thing.

I remember when my mom was ill and I realized that I was being given some time to clear things up. It was a surreal experience. It's hard for me to put in words. It was just a knowing deep down in my bones that I was being given one last chance.

And I know I'm being given another one right now.

When I walked into my father's house yesterday and I saw him sitting there on the sofa, he was so pale, so broken, it took every ounce of strength to not start to cry. I watched him walk around in pain, looking way older than his 67 years. I watched him fall asleep over and over again because he is so tired he can't stay awake.

I had that same feeling I'd had before, that knowing.

His wife was near tears telling me that she wants both Kathy-my sister and I to be involved. She doesn't want us to feel like we're intruding. I told her that I want to help, I want to be there, I just don't know whether that's what Dad wants. She told me that he does want us, me, to be there.

When I went to leave, I wanted to reach out to him, touch him but I couldn't. I'm not ready yet for that. But I know with time I will, even if it's just a squeeze of his hand. I've decided that I will be there for him, I will help take care of him if that is what is needed because I want him to have what he needs. It's really not about me right now.

There's nothing like being faced with something like this to make you take a look at your own life. I have realized that I spend way too much time on the computer rather than spending time with my family or doing creative things like scrapbooking, crochet, card making. Not that I want to completely give up my computer time, especially my blogging but I'm going to make some changes. Basically I'm only going to get on the computer at work since I'm bored there 3 weeks out of the month anyway and when I'm home, I'm going to be with my kids and I want to get back into my craft projects, I need that creative outlet.

Before I go, I want to encourage you to spend some time with those you love even if it's by phone. Spend some time doing something you enjoy.

My Dad Part 2

2007-08-18T10:43:00.000-05:00

My dad has to have a blood transfusion on Tuesday and a bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday. The transfusion we saw coming eventually due to his anemia. The biopsy is so they can do more tests to try and determine why his other blood counts are off. The pain in his side is due to an enlarged spleen which is from having mono.

Today I will be seeing my dad. His wife is having a Stampin Up party and I'm going, mainly so I can see him. My sister has talked with him by phone, she has been at Niagra Falls and she says that Dad seems to be happy that we are concerned.

So I'm going to take the first step in reaching out today. I'm afraid though. Afraid he will hold me at arms length, afraid he will push me away. But I know that I have to do this.

He has taken a month of work which means he's really not well. I mean, I knew before that he wasn't feeling good but for him to take off work for that long shows me that he's feeling bad. He doesn't live far from the high school where I will be traveling everyday next week so I think I'm going to either stop in and check on him everyday or ask him if he wants to ride with me.

This is going to be hard for me. I haven't reached out to dad since I was young.

I know if I don't I will regret it and I know all too well how regret can tear you up inside.

I wish I still didn't feel like trying to have a relationship with dad isn't a betrayal of my mother. That was something that both my sister and I struggled with for all the years after our parents separated. But I know that Mom would want this for my sister and I, she would want us to reach a place with Dad that it's all good.

I just don't want to enter into this with any expectations. I need to look at it as being there for him, supporting him with the hope that he will let me. I can't expect him to apologize, to tell me he loves me. I'm afraid I will do that though because don't we all want to know that our parents love us, that we matter to them?

I can't worry about all that now. For today I'm just going to go for a visit and offer to visit with him this week so he's not alone everyday all day.

So Help Me

2007-08-17T07:35:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna lose it if I have to repeat myself one more time!

Maybe it is time for school to start.

On a better note, Ally found out she made the JV field hockey team! They are still "keeping an eye on her" for varsity but they said they need her to be more verbal because they need leadership on the varsity defense. Well, I don't see her being more verbal, not that she has a problem with that, especially here at home but she's not going to yell at any of the older girls. I can't say I blame her for that either. JV is just fine I think for 9th grade, I'm just happy she made the team.

Got another busy day ahead and next week will be interesting with JR being gone and all 3 kids having practices. I'm already setting up a carpool with another mom for field hockey so that will make things easier. I've realized that for years I have run myself ragged because I wouldn't ask for help and you know, that's just stupid.

Catch Up

2007-08-16T08:41:00.000-05:00

I'm at work for a little while longer before I'm off running about so I thought I'd check in.

Not much to report but here goes:

Ran to WW on Tuesday for a quick weigh in, I lost an 8th of a pound which was ok considering I lost so much last week, I started my period on Tuesday and I was so not on plan over the weekend.

Ally made out fine yesterday at field hockey try outs. There is a possibility she may make varsity or will play both JV and varsity. We'll see. She was so tired this morning and sore from the shoulders down.

I have to admit I was a nervous wreck for her yesterday and I'm not much better today. I'm nervous because I know what bitties girls can be and Ally takes things to heart so much that I can see her wanting to quit even though she loves playing the game. I'm nervous because well, because she's in high school. High school! And I remember high school, I remember myself in high school and that is not a good thing.

All I did yesterday was run around in the van. Took Ally to practice, took Abby to camp, picked Ally up from practice, took Ally to the orthodontist, took Trev to soccer practice. Thank God I am carpooling with another mom for camp.

JR leaves Tuesday for Canada. He's in panic mode, with his thirteen lists of things to take and do. Plus his dad is in Maine so he's having to run the business this week by himself and he's all frazzled because he can't get anything done, once he starts something the phone will ring or he has to leave and go to a jobsite. This morning he was all worried about where I would be this afternoon and he's asking me a million questions while I'm trying to figure out the payroll liabilities that are completely screwed up on the computer. Heads up to those who use Quickbooks, the new '07 program is extremely date sensitive so be very careful of your dates otherwise you will have a mess. So I'm going through the paychecks and manually figuring out what we owe so I can call the damn things in and JR won't leave me alone-I was finally like God JR, I don't know where I'll be this afternoon, I'm trying to think and you know that's hard for me!!! LOL, that is so the truth too.

He left here mad though. I guess he'll have to get over it.

Well, I'm off to do a deposit for the company, I wish the money was going in my bank account though. Then it's off to camp for Abby and not long after that Ally will be home from her 2nd day of try outs.

Coming To A Close

2007-08-13T12:45:00.000-05:00

Two weeks from today Ally will be starting 9th grade (high school!) and Abby will be starting 4th grade.

Summer has flown by. I remember when summer had just begun, the kids were fighting like crazy right off the bat and I remember thinking it was going to be a long 2.5 months. But once they got adjusted to being home and around each other more, things calmed down.

I don't want school to start. Even though getting back into a routine is always good for us, I'm finding myself feeling overwhelmed at the fact I will have 3 kids in 3 different schools. I'm also not ready for Ally to attend high school.

I will have a child in high school. Where has the time gone?

Soccer practices are starting this week, field hockey try outs are this week so the grind is already beginning. I purchased an appointment calendar to keep in my purse so I don't make appointments on the wrong day or time. I'm organzationally challenged mostly because I'm too lazy to do what it takes to be organized. It's not that I'm not capable of being organized. I start out with the best intentions but it never lasts for long. But really if I want to keep things going well for myself, I have to be more organized. Otherwise I will get frazzled and lose it.

I probably won't be posting much only because I have things I want and need to do. I want to spend time with the kids. I'll be checking in from time to time but if I'm not around, don't be concerned.

I'm off to make some phone calls and fold laundry. See ya in a few!

The Drama

2007-08-11T12:29:00.000-05:00

I've had my fill the last 2 days of drama.

I hate drama.

I want to live peacefully.

I've come to discover that living in peace is probably a pipe dream. Since I have kids and all.

Ally's "friend" Q got an attitude because Ally had KC over. KC happens to be Q's cousin. Some back and forth took place through instant message, Q ran to her mother, her mother called me, called JR and called KC's mother. KC's mother is fighting cancer, has been for years so she doesn't feel the best, obviously. KC's mom went off on Q's mom, apparently Q's mom calls every single time Q and KC argue. It's never anything bad, no physical threats, they just get bitchy with one another.

I did not talk with Q's mom until I saw her face to face at the fair. I pretty much told her what I knew and left it at that. All 3 girls were being nasty from the sounds of things. I feel this is something that they need to clear up amongst themselves. I mean, as long as they aren't threatening to beat the hell out of one another or really taking it too far, I try not to step in. Sure, I'd love to fight every battle for my kids but I can't.

This morning KC got a text from Q's mom, who is her aunt and she really got all over KC. I know if KC shows that text to her mom, shit's gonna hit the fan.

I've told Ally she just needs to keep her distance from Q until this all cools down. Stay the hell out of it from now on.

Then, Trev's little girlfriend told him he was stupid and that he failed the 5th grade (which he didn't) in front of several other girls at the fair. Talk about hurting that boy's feelings. That is like the one thing he is most sensitive about, his learning problems. So he broke up with her.

Well her mother called here for me this morning, I wasn't home (thank God) and she asked Ally what had gone on between Trev and Jan. Ally told her what happened and Jan's mom was so upset. She apologized for Jan's behavior. I know Jan's mom pretty well, she knows that Trev is going to private school for his learning problems so I'm sure she is incredibly angry with Jan for being so insensitive. So now I'm going to have to reassure her that even though what Jan did was wrong, we don't hate Jan.

Jeez!!!

Maybe all the drama has passed, I sure as hell hope so.

My Dad

2007-08-09T20:57:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned before that I don't have much of a relationship with my father.

As a child I was desperate for his love and attention.

As an adult I've become indifferent, refusing to be rejected ever again.

My dad is ill.

I noticed back at Christmas that he wasn't himself. And how strange he was at his birthday in February-that is when he told me that he was so tired all the time.

I saw Dad over the weekend at my sister's party, he was pale and complaining of pain in his side. He's anemic, has mono and his vitamin B12 level has been low.

He went to the doctor today, he's scheduled for an ultrasound next week, a colonoscopy, he has to see a urologist and some other kind of specialist he can't remember. I saw him at the fair tonight so I pestered him about what the doctor had to say.

The doctor does not know why he is anemic or why he is having pain. Right now he is trying to rule out cancer.

Cancer.

As I stood there looking at my dad, at the man who gave me my blonde hair, my blue eyes and my deep love of ice cream and I was overcome with deep sadness. I could sense his fear, I tried to be positive but to say that I'm not concerned would be a lie.

We eventually ended our conversation and I watched him walk away, ever so slowly. And all I could think is how sad it would be if he is ill, really ill and we leave things as they are.

But how do I reach out to a man that has turned me away continually? But then how will I be able to live with the regret of not trying?

Has he been a good father? No. But he is my dad, my only living parent.

My mom had cancer for years, I was there every step of the way but we had a different relationship. There was never any question of whether I would be there for her, where else would I have been?

Do I wait for him to reach out? I can sense that he wants to. I wonder if he senses the same in me.

I know that I won't turn him away. I know if he needs me, I will be there.

I guess my main problem, what is standing in my way, is the doubt, what if he doesn't want me there?

I'm sad tonight. I'm sad for the way things are. I'm sad that he's not well. I'm sad that he is afraid. I'm sad that I don't have the guts to step out and reach out.

I'm just sad.

Weigh In Results

2007-08-08T20:06:00.000-05:00

I lost 5.8. Of course I usually have a big loss the first week.

I'm feeling like shit though. Not sure what's going on, I'm completely wiped out. Hope I feel better tomorrow.

Why Here?

2007-08-08T12:52:00.000-05:00

Today I was told that Michael Jackson, weirdo perv, has bought property in a small town near where I grew up. I knew that earlier this summer he was in St. Michael's,Maryland looking at property, I considered that bad enough.

If this news is correct, he has bought a 550 acre farm in the small town of Kennedyville. I'm not sure why he would want to live there, it's a farming community. Nothing but cornfields, dairy cows and one gas station. My mom is actually buried in Kennedyville.

God help us.

It Is Hot

2007-08-08T08:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday with the heat index it felt like 106 degrees, a humid 106 degrees. Today it is supposed to feel like 110 degrees.

You know it's going to be bad when you leave the house at 4:45am and the air is already so thick you feel like you can't take a deep breath.

I hate humidity.

I nearly passed out at exercise class this morning. Not sure why. We did go to the county fair last night so maybe I was a little dehydrated. Or maybe now that I'm really watching what I'm eating, I need to eat something small before class.

Whatever the reason, I'm still feeling a little woozy.

Tonight is my weigh in at WW. I'm wondering how much if anything I have lost. I feel all puffy and bloated, just another reason to love this kind of weather. Plus I think TOM is just around the corner. But even if I don't see much of a loss, I'm still glad to be eating better.

I'll let y'all know tonight how it goes.

Punchlist

2007-08-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

In construction, near the end of a job, the guys will have what they call a punchlist which is basically a list of small things that need to be completed.

Here is my punchlist for the next 3 weeks:

Ally's sports orientation
Ally's sports physical
Ally's orthodontist appointment
Prepare for Ally's field hockey try outs
Shop for school supplies
Trev's bloodwork
Shop for new shoes for school
Prepare for soccer season
Attend Back To School day with Abby
Attend student visitation with Trev

I think that's about it. I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting.

One Good Thing

2007-08-06T17:50:00.001-05:00

With all that has been going on with Abby (who is doing ok, still having some pain but not as bad) I haven't updated you on what went on with me after my rant on Sunday.

JR and I ended up with an unexpected day to ourselves. We went shopping, JR needed hunting stuff (whatever) and I wanted to search the clearance racks for clothes for the girls. The mall we went to is about an hour away and I can't say we talked very much on the ride there.

After the mall we went to lunch at Outback, we were one of the first customers there so we had a very private table. And for some reason, we started to talk.

Thankfully I was able to remain calm, I think that was due to having bitched about it here beforehand. If I had come off angry, JR would have shut down and the conversation would've ended right then and there. But since I was able to calmly tell him how I was feeling, he didn't feel attacked and we actually talked.

It was a good thing.

Abby

2007-08-05T21:49:00.000-05:00

Abby is having abdominal pain and running a low grade fever. No nausea or diarrhea. The pain is enough that I am concerned. Right now she is asleep, she and I are camping out in the living room tonight. If the pain gets worse we're heading to the ER.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I'll update later.

Update:

Heading to the doctor at 10am. She's no worse but not much better.

She did sleep through the night, I gave her motrin for her fever and maybe that helped with the pain.

The pain is from her belly button down but not worse on the right side which would indicate appendicitis. She's only 9 years old so I would hope that it's not menstrual cramps.

I'm about to make her get up and get dressed, I need to see if she can move around.Last night she couldn't even walk around.

I'll update when we get back from the doctor.

Update:

Abby is home, on clear liquids with orders to lay around and rest. Her pediatrician doesn't think it's appendicitis but it possibly could be the beginning of it. If she gets worse I am to bring her into the doctor's or ER immediately.

I'm off to lay down while she watches tv. I didn't get much sleep last night.

Thanks for thinking of her.

Up To Me

2007-08-05T06:11:00.000-05:00

This is going to be one of those posts where I complain. I'm going to bitch about something that I have let snowball over the years so if you don't like hearing someone bitch about something they've let continue, click the red x.

To sum it all up in a nutshell-I'm tired of everything being up to me.

What we have for dinner.

Anything to do with the kids-discipline,punishment,schedules,appointments,who their friends are,who their friends parents are,why they are sad,why they are mad,homework,school assignments,extracurricular activities.

How clean the house is.

Making sure the pets are fed.

Laundry.

Dishes.

Whether we're going to have good sex or just get it over with sex.

That's all I can come up with right now but I think you get the picture. And the most irritating thing about it all is that I've let it happen and continue for years. So really, does that even give me the right to bitch about it?

Maybe not, but I'm gonna anyway.

For some reason I have just had it. I'm tired of it all being up to me. Some days I am so angry, so resentful by the end of the day. Not toward the kids because they are my kids and kids need to be taken care of and looked after. So I guess if I were to be completely honest here, I feel resentment toward JR.

Big time.

And not that I blame him or these circumstances for my weight because I'm fat because I eat too much and I know that. But I also eat when my emotions are too high, too intense and I realized yesterday that I eat to shove down these feelings of anger and resentment.

I often wonder if he even realizes anything. I'm sure he does but he's also the best at if I don't acknowledge it, it's not happening.

But really, this is all my own doing. I should've put a stop to things earlier, I don't know why I didn't. I think it's because I have a hard time asking for help and I have a take charge kind of nature, if something needs to be done, I do it.

The answer doesn't lie in the why of it all, the answer is in what I'm going to do so I don't continue feeling this way.

Family Stuff

2007-08-04T07:43:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be baking a cake. But I can't get out of my chair.

I slept like crap last night. I had my two nieces-ages 6 and 4, over for a sleepover. All night I kept waking up, listening for them. And God I was hot and JR would not quit snoring, no matter how many times I hit him, pushed him. I eventually just got up and came out to the sofa and read my book.

My sister called last night and wants us to get together for dinner before her cake and ice cream party. I was like, ok, sounds good. Then she told me that she wants us to come over at 2pm and we'll go to dinner, she wants to go to the local crab house and partake in their all you can eat crab feast that is only from the hours of 1pm-4pm. No big deal, right? See, we weren't having the party until 7pm which means that we'll have about 3-4 hours of down time between dinner and the party. And we live too far away to go to dinner, come back home and go back again for the party which means we'll have to pretty much stay there.

I'm thinking my sister is feeling needy.

I know that makes me sound like a bitch. But we don't have one of those relationships where spending hours together is comfortable. Not that we fight, it's just awkward.

What was I supposed to say? No, I don't want to go to dinner with you because that means I'll have to spend too much time with you?

I am a bitch but I'm not that mean.

Of course JR is all like, God, I hate sitting around while people eat at crab feasts. He likes crabs but he takes forever to pick them so he never does the crab feasts. I'm like, just stay at home then. Then he's like, no, I'll go and he used that tone that makes it sound like it's such a hardship.

I wanted to smack the shit out of him. I don't want to go either but sometimes you just have to do the right thing.

I'd better go bake the cake and I need to take a shower. My legs are in desperate need of shaving.

Good Things

2007-08-03T18:52:00.000-05:00

Here's a few:

It's Friday.

I have stayed on track with my eating today, no binges.

My house is stocked full of healthy food.

I haven't done any binge drinking in 3 weeks.

Got any good things to share?

Just So You Know

2007-08-03T07:50:00.000-05:00

I dragged my ass to exercise this morning. I did not want to go, I wanted to stay in bed and sleep. But I went anyway.

I have a feeling I will not be walking without pain tomorrow. Freaking arc trainers! Just in case you don't know what an arc trainer is, it's a machine that is like an elliptical but you are moving your legs as if you are skiing. Not too bad until you have to add more and more resistance, pretty soon it's like you're skiing through mud.

We have 2 trainers that run the class-Brendan who is a total cutie, very encouraging and very into watching your form and then we have Dale-totally not a cutie, more boot camp oriented and not the least bit worried about form. Dale is the one that I have wanted to punch in the nose before, when he tells me to increase my resistance or increase my incline, I swear I want to hurt him.

But hey, at least I went back and I'm glad that I did.

And since it's Friday and I don't have to work, I was able to come home, grab a shower and actually get back in bed for a bit. Gotta love that!

I've had my breakfast-some cantalope and a scrambled egg. I'm about to call my SIL so I can go pick up Abby and then I need to hit the grocery store. I think I'm going to have to go to HellMart because I have a lot to buy. I also need to bake a cake for my sister's birthday party tomorrow night and I also need to get her a gift-what do you buy someone that wants for nothing?

Big Brother

2007-08-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

I'm a huge Big Brother fan, give me a shout if you are too.

But God, if Amber doesn't quit her crying, I'm gonna turn off the tv. Jeez!

Catching Up and A Few Good Things

2007-08-02T17:26:00.000-05:00

So far so good on the eating front today. I found myself getting a little upset this afternoon, my normal overeating/binge time. I wanted to stuff myself so badly but I had some cantalope and I waited to have my diet coke then too. I had to talk myself off the ledge, check in with how I was feeling physically and make a choice whether I was going to eat a regular snack and still feel good or shovel in a ton of junk food and feel like shit.

I've decided to do things differently this time around. With WW you get 35 extra points a week, you can either use them daily or save them up and use them one time. Usually I use them all at one time, kind of like a scheduled binge. So this time I've decided that unless I have some special occasion, I'm going to break those points down and give myself 5 a day. Some days I may use them, some days I may not. Basically I'm trying to stop the binge eating and this is one way to help that.

I'm going to drag my ass back to exercise tomorrow morning.

Ally's boyfriend is over as well as her good girlfriend. Her boyfriend has been trying to get her to come to his house all week but she won't go which is fine with me. Even though his parents are a lot like JR and I and I know they would not let them hang in his bedroom or leave them alone.

Abby has been over to my sister-in-laws for 3 days. I'm bringing her back home tomorrow, I miss my baby. She's having fun though, her little cousins look up to her and pretty much play whatever she wants.

Trev has been lost without his little sister though, he's even told me that he misses her. I hope they are always this close.

JR is getting ready for his big hunting trip. He's heading to Canada on the 21st to hunt caribou, he won't be home until the 29th. I love him but I have to be honest that I'm looking forward to the break. Now that we work together, well, let's just say there is such a thing as too much together time.

And before I go here's a few good things from my day:

Not feeling bloated and sick to my stomach from bingeing.

Only drinking 2 diet cokes, I need to cut back from my usual 4 to 5 a day.

Big Brother comes on tonight, can't wait!

Missing Mom

2007-08-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

Today I had to turn in a ton of papers and pay the first tuition payment for Trev's new school. The papers were for the most part what you would expect- health forms, basic info,gym uniform order form, lunch order form and then I came to a form that said Grandparent Information. I was asked to list maternal grandparents and paternal grandparents, I guess for fundraising purposes, I don't know.

But what was sad is that I left the maternal info blank. For a second I considered putting down my dad's info but then I was like, why bother?

And then I got sad because if Mom were here, it wouldn't have even been a question of whether to put her down.

Just another one of those times where her absence just jumps out at me.

Good Things

2007-08-01T19:50:00.000-05:00

Today my good things are:

Going ahead and going back to Weight Watchers. I have a Weight Watchers center near me so I headed off to their 6pm meeting tonight. The meetings are corny but I do come away with something usually.

Having a/c in my house, it's awful humid out.

My chickens, I need to post a picture of them. They are so pretty and I love going out to them everyday. They are now starting to cluck rather than chirp and when they hear me calling for them, they crowd all around and starting "talking" to me.

And lastly, having cooked dinner every night so far this week. I'm trying to get back into the habit of that. We need to save money and it's healthier.

What are some of your good things today?

Just Another Diet Post

2007-08-01T11:45:00.000-05:00

I have not been to the gym in 2 weeks. I'm still signed up for group training but I haven't been able to drag my rear out of bed to go. I don't want to go and have them want to weigh me, I've been down enough. I know I've probably gained around 5 pounds with having been on vacation and all the stress eating I've been doing.

I'm finding myself feeling desperate about my weight. I still have around 50 more pounds I need to get off my body and I keep farting around with the same 5-10 pounds.

I've been inhaling sugar and carbs until I'm stuffed full.

I've even found myself contemplating using Nutri-System because then I could just eat what they send me to eat. But realistically, for me, I know that I won't be able to eat out of a box for every meal for very long. Though the convenience of it is enticing. I get so tired of having to think about what I'm putting in my mouth.

I should probably head back to Weight Watchers, that is the plan that has worked for me the very best.

I also know that losing weight, at least for me, is more of a mental thing than a physical thing. I can lose weight, maybe not as fast as others because of my thyroid issues but I can lose weight. But mentally, I view food as more than sustenance for my body. It's my friend, my comforter. And I know that if I don't/can't change that mentally, my issues with food and weight will continue.

But I don't want to be fat and I sure as hell don't want to be as fat as I was. So even if I need to work on the mental part, I have to do what I can to lose weight while I do.

I was looking at the picture I posted of me and the girls at the beach. I hate how I look and no one but me can change that fact. There is no magic pill or magic formula. It takes hard work and dedication, especially when you have a lot to lose.

I do need to get back to the gym because emotionally exercise is a huge help. I need to fill my house with good food. But most of all, I need to know and believe that I am worth it.

Good Things

2007-07-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

If I can manage it, I'm going to try and post at least one good thing each day. I encourage you to do the same, post here in the comments or do it on your blog.

Here are some of my good things:

My handsome boy, happy that he caught a fish from the ocean.

Me and my girls on the beach.

My husband, hanging out under the umbrella because he's burnt to a crisp.

And last but not least, a fresh manicure and pedicure.

So what are your good things?

Switching Gears

2007-07-30T08:33:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you but I have the hardest time coming back from vacation. And for some reason, it's particularly hard this time. Maybe because I love the beach so much. I love the sand, the sound and smell of the ocean, baking in the sun.

It was nice to not have any obligations. At first I had a hard time, I felt like we needed to be doing something and I had to keep telling myself, you're on vacation, just be.

We didn't do a whole lot of anything. We did visit the aquarium and the shipwreck musuem. We ate out a few times. But really we just hung out. We stayed up late, we slept in. I didn't do my hair one time which is a miracle. I just put it in a pony tail or a clip, no hair products, no blow drying.

I'm sure you're wondering if I managed to stay sober.

I didn't.

I'm not going to make excuses or try to justify anything. But I can say I didn't drink everyday and the couple of times I did drink, I didn't binge drink. But yes, I did have a few drinks while on vacation. I was stressed after the drive down, I don't travel well and we got caught in major traffic and I decided to have a drink.

I'm not proud of it and I'm not even sure what to do about any of this. I had one beer on Friday and have not drank anything since then. I have beer in the fridge too and I've had no desire to have one. But I can say if it were a jug of margaritas, it'd be gone by now.

I had a lot of time to think while on vacation. I know that I drink to make myself feel better, to ease this sense of unhappiness that I've had for so long. When I drink, I can fool myself into thinking everything is just fine. The alcohol dulls the edges. I do need to work on being happy and content. I need to work on not using food or alcohol when I'm having a hard time.

And even though I am pretty open here about all my issues (yes, there are many), there are a few things that I can't put out there. Those things are what weigh on me heavily and are what I need to work through. I hate to be vague and maybe someday I can share them, but right now I can't.

I hope you can stick around as I work my way through. I'm sorry if I am such a downer and I understand if you just click the X in the upper right corner. This blog is more than just a way to be social, it's how I work through a lot so if I'm having a hard time, it's going to come out here.

But maybe that's half my problem. I focus more on the downers in my life. Maybe I should try and post at least one good thing a day. Anyone want to join me?

Back to Reality

2007-07-29T18:19:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you know that I'm home.

I'll post more about my vacation soon.

I'm not in the frame of mind to blog right now.

Everything is ok so don't worry. Just trying to go from vacation mode to real life mode.

Outta Here

2007-07-20T08:43:00.000-05:00

We have decided to leave the laptop at home so as of tomorrow I'll be away from blogland until at least the 28th.

I've got a million and one things to get done today but I had to stop by here first.

Please keep me in your thoughts, I'm still sober but struggling. I want to get through vacation sober but I have to admit I've entertained thoughts of hitting the grocery store alone, buying some booze and basically sneaking it. See here in Maryland, alcohol is only sold in liquor stores whereas in North Carolina it's right in the grocery stores. But I keep telling myself that I just can't go there, not one sip because that one sip will just send me spiraling down again. My plan is to always have someone with me if I go to the grocery store, I know I can't have someone hold my hand forever but for right now, that's what I need.

Have a wonderful week and I'll check in as soon as I can when we get back.

Just Another Day

2007-07-19T08:19:00.000-05:00

I got to hold a newborn baby last night. There is nothing like the smell, the feel, the sound of a newborn. My brother-in-law is absolutely smitten, this is his first grandchild. It's so funny because I look at the parents and think God, you two are just babies but JR and I were that age when we had Ally. I guess that's what everyone thought about us too.

We went to the local Fireman's Carnival last night. Has anyone ever noticed how creepy the carnival people are? I'm from a small community so you pretty much know most people or you have at least seen them before. There were people there last night that I've never laid eyes on in my life and wow, talk about some shady characters.

Ally got to see her boyfriend last night. She has not seen him since June when he came to our house for the day. Even though it's just weird to see her with someone in that way, holding hands and all, I have to say he is a nice young man. He always speaks to us, always. And he truly does have it bad for Ally, I mean, he was carrying her purse around the carnival so she could text on her phone. And he keeps track of their anniversary, this Saturday will be two months!! I think it's cute.

Tonight is the Fireman's Parade, which is the most redneck parade ever. Fire trucks, souped up trucks and cars, souped up lawn mowers (yes, lawn mowers), all the Miss Fire Preventions, local churches. This year Abby's Brownie troop is having a float so she gets to be in the parade. Usually we sit on JR's grandparents front lawn which is a front row seat, I don't know whether they want me to participate too, I sincerely hope not.

I'm absolutely sickened at the news of Michael Vick, big time NFL quarterback, getting arrested for dog fighting. I'm not going to repeat all that I've read and heard about what the police found on his property, it's too upsetting. I just don't understand how someone with millions of dollars chooses this type of thing for entertainment. I think it says quite a lot about who he is as a person and I hope he gets put in jail, in general population.

I have not started packing yet. I guess tomorrow I'll be doing the wild dash trying to get everything done. Procrastination at it's best.

Today is 8 days sober. I'm still fighting the urge to drink every evening. I don't dwell on it though, I just get busy doing something, anything to get my mind off it. Even though I do feel better for having done this, I find myself feeling bitter about it all. Why can't I drink like other people? Why do I have to have a problem? I have felt that way as far as eating too. I guess I don't like being different. I don't know. But I can't dwell on that either. It is what it is and I have to deal with it.

Day 7

2007-07-18T08:40:00.000-05:00

Our day at Hershey Park went very well. Abby is now officially a Twizzler, you are given a candy name determined by your height. Last year she was just barely a Twizzler which meant there were a lot of her favorite rides that she couldn't go on, it wasn't a very good visit for her because she wasn't quite ready for the bigger rides.

Well, she's beyond ready for the bigger rides now. So I think next time we go as a family, it will be a lot more fun.

We rode on a bus, one of the nice ones which is owned by a man that has driven buses since I was a little girl. He was actually one of my bus drivers when I was a child, so was his wife, so was his son. This man is pushing 80 years old now and is the only one in his family that still drives.

Yesterday was 90 degree day. It wasn't so bad while in the park, there is shade plus a breeze. The plan was to leave the park at 6:30 so we were back to the bus by 6:15. Mr. D, our bus driver, had not even started the bus yet. The temperature inside the bus was 102 degrees and do you know he still did not start that bus until we left which was at 6:40.

I literally thought I was going to fall out. The poor kids had sweat rolling off of them, so did the adults! An hour and a half later the temperature had only come down to 92 degrees. When we got home,which was a total of 3 hours after leaving the park, the temperature had only gone down to 89 degrees.

I will never ride on another bus trip through Mr. D again, not through school, Brownies, nothing.
It all came down to him having another bus run today and he's so damned tight with his money that he didn't want to use his fuel. That he would be so uncaring just blew me away.

When we got home Abby and I headed straight for the shower, a cold shower.

Next time I'll just drive.

I'm at work right now. The kids are home with a list of chores that need to be done. The computer has been shut off and is not allowed back on until all the chores are completed. I'm sick and tired of them not helping out around the house. It's one thing when we're busy with school and sports, but right now they are sitting home, doing nothing.

We've had a birth in the family. My sister is now a grandmother (which I think is so funny), her step-son and his wife had a little boy yesterday. I'm off to Target this afternoon to buy them a bouncy chair, they don't have one and I wanted to get them something they needed. Of course I'll have to buy a cute outfit too.

Only 3 more days until we leave for the Outer Banks, I can't wait. I hope we have a good, relaxing time. I so need that. I need time to connect with everyone and just be. I feel like I've lost time here lately, with the drinking and how consuming it had become.

Not much else is going on. Today is my 7th day sober. Yay me! I'm starting to feel good now, not that I'm not having urges to drink, because I do, everyday but I feel so much better. I'm not as bloated, I've actually lost some weight in my mid-section. My drink of choice was margaritas which are loaded with sugar so combined with the food I eat, I was consuming quite a lot of calories. I'm more clear headed and I'm not so damn angry. That's like the biggest change I've found, I'm not angry at the world anymore.

It feels good.

Grrrr.....

2007-07-16T18:19:00.001-05:00

Tonight was one of those nights where I usually would've had a few drinks.

It started first with getting a bill in the mail, realizing if I pay the entire thing we'll have no more money in the savings account and we have a tuition payment due on August 1st. Normally I pay off our credit card bill every month but I might have to pay half now, half next month which won't incur too much in finance charges but still, I hate to incur any. I thought the charge for our vacation house would come on next month's bill but nope. Apparently the cut off date is the 6th or 7th and I charged vacation on the 5th.

Our savings is a little on the low side and JR doesn't have a bonus coming until September.

Then the new cell phone battery that JR bought me off ebay would not fit in my phone. I wanted to get the battery from a verizon store but JR was all like, we can get it half price on ebay. So out of frustration I nearly tore up my phone and the battery.

Then my friend Sue called about tomorrow's trip to Hershey Park. Our troop leader had called her and said that the girls could not wear flip flops, only sneakers. First, I'm not having Abby wear sneakers to the water park, she'll get blisters and she doesn't have a pair of strap on sandals because she refuses to wear them. My plan, which I'm sticking to because I'm her mother and I've been to Hershey Park every year for the last 5 years, is she will wear flips flops in the water park and then when it's time for rides she will wear her sneakers. For some reason that just bugged the shit out of me.

Next was dinner and the kids were just wound up tight. Mom! Mom! Mom! They all were desperate for my attention, all speaking at once. JR was just as loud and I felt like I was about to explode. Too much noise!!

I felt completely frazzled and I so desperately wanted a drink. I swear if there had been alcohol in this house I would have drank some. But thankfully there is not one ounce of booze here, instead I loaded the kids up and we went and got ice cream.

I know, I still had to "use" something to ease the emotions but hey, one vice at a time.

Tired

2007-07-16T08:04:00.000-05:00

I was up all night. I think I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep total. Needless to say, I did not make it to exercise class.

I'm at work, it's incredibly slow but at least I'll only be here until noon. I have a nail appointment at 1pm and I want to run home to the kids before I go there. I hope I have pedicure scheduled as well, I can't remember though.

I'm not going to take a nap today, I think that's half the reason I was up all night. I took too many naps over the weekend! My body isn't used to so much rest.

I'm off to pay bills (yuck) and balance my checkbook (double yuck).

Hard

2007-07-15T21:37:00.000-05:00

I'm really wanting a drink right now. There is no particular reason, I just want one.

This is hard.

I should go back to exercise tomorrow. I haven't been since last Monday. I was feeling way too bad on Wednesday to go and on Friday I just couldn't bring myself to go. Just too tired, too worn down. But God the thought of going and exercising that hard, I honestly don't know if I have it in me. I've been reading about the benefits of yoga in sobriety and I have a yoga dvd here, I've been toying with the idea of doing that. But I also know that I'm always glad that I go to exercise class once I get there.

I've had a lazy day today. I didn't even shower, just pulled my hair up in a clip. I wore comfy clothes all day. I did clean one bathroom and vacuumed the kitchen. And of course I did laundry. I took another nap which is why I'm wide awake right now.

I've got a busy week ahead. Tuesday Abby and I are going to Hershey Park with her Brownie troop, they have a new water park there now and we plan on spending most of the day there. I also need to work, Thursday Abby will be in the local parade with her Brownie troop and on Friday I will be busy getting everything straight to leave for vacation.

This time next week I will be at the beach. I cannot wait.

I am considering visiting an AA meeting. I don't know if it is for me and I can't make that decision since I've never been to a meeting. I do think I need some kind of support system though, I realized that tonight. I have looked into Women for Sobriety but I don't think they have local meetings here but they do have an online group. There is also Smart Recovery which does have a meeting near here.

Oh, before I forget, the book I'm reading is Sober For Good by Anne Fletcher. It's a great read. She has also written a book called Thin For Life which is a book about a number of people that have lost weight and kept it off.

I'm going to go read, try and unwind, hopefully I won't be up all night.

Connection

2007-07-14T20:46:00.000-05:00

I made it through dinner just fine. It helped that there wasn't a lot of partying going on, just a bunch of people eating dinner.

Another strange thing that is going on with me is my change in appetite. I normally have a very hard time stopping when comfortably full, especially if it's something that tastes really good. I also have the habit of eating something just because it's there, even if it's not something that I want. Basically I do not listen to my body or honor what it is telling me. But now I am like hypersensitive to my body's signals. I can't eat anything unless it's exactly what I want, when my body has had enough I have to stop, the thought of pushing past enough makes me ill and believe me, I've tried to push past.

I'm not going to take any of this for granted. I know with time this will subside but I have to admit it's nice being in touch with my body and ultimately, myself. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could maintain this connection?

It's just strange to order dinner, have it not be what you expected and stop eating it. Normally I would eat in anyway. Then when it was time for dessert, I opted out because there was nothing that sounded good. Normally I would get something, especially if JR gets something. Then at the movies I had to get Goobers, halfway through the box I couldn't eat anymore, I was done so I gave the rest to JR.

Whatever is going on, it's a good thing.

We went to see Ratatouille, pretty good movie, Abby liked it. Of course now she wants to get a pet rat (not!) and I'm sure next time I set a mouse trap, she won't be very happy.

I'm getting tired so I'm off to bed. I'm sure I'll be around at some point tomorrow. Thanks for listening to me ramble on so much, it helps being able to come here and write. And I'm sorry that I haven't commented on blogs this week, I just haven't had much to contribute. But I've been visiting and keeping up with everyone. Don't give up on me!

So Far So Good

2007-07-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

Things are going pretty good.

I'm finally not feeling sick to my stomach, even though I am still very tired, TOM has something to do with that though.

I made it through Friday night. JR and I had an evening out, just the two of us. We didn't do much, just went to the mall where we grabbed pizza for dinner. But it gave us a chance to talk some which I needed, maybe he needed it too, I don't know.

Either way I made it through my first Friday night in a long time absolutely sober.

Today I woke up dreading the day a little, feeling out of sorts. So I got up and got busy. Started laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, pulled weeds, fed my chickens. After lunch I was tired so I took a nap and I must've needed it because I fell asleep almost right away. I didn't sleep too long so I feel better, you know how it is if you nap too long, you wake up feeling worse.

Trev has gone to a friends house and Ally is going to a friends house soon which leaves Abby home all by her lonesome with her daddy and me. We're going to take her to dinner and then to a movie.

I'm a little nervous about dinner, we're going to a local seafood restaraunt, one place I usually put away some alcohol. And it's not that I'm physically craving alcohol now, I've moved past that, it's a mental craving, if that makes sense. It will be difficult being around other people drinking but I want to get past this as soon as I can, I don't want to have to avoid some of our favorite places to eat just because being around people consuming alcohol "bothers" me.

It's a amazing how different my life already feels having made this decision. Even though I'm having to battle the mental aspect of this which is not easy, I feel like I have so much more time. I'm not scheming, trying to figure out when I'm going to drink. I'm not coming up with reasons to head to town so I can hit the liquor store. I'm also not having to figure out how to drink as much as possible without anyone, mainly JR and the kids, realizing how much I am consuming.

I have found a book called Sober Now by Anne Fletcher (at least I think that's what it's called and I'm too lazy to get up to check) but I am so glad that I found it. It's a book full of examples of how many people got sober and each person has at least 5 years of sobriety under their belt.

I don't plan on following AA to maintain sobriety. Now I'm not knocking AA because I know many people that owe their lives to AA. It's just not for me. I need to work this through on my own terms, following my instincts, listening to my body.

Ok, I'm off to get purtied up for dinner. I may check in later, let you know how I make it through.

I Told Him

2007-07-13T07:26:00.001-05:00

We were in bed, my head was on his chest, he was playing with my hair. He knows something is up but he's not going to say anything for fear of what the something might be. I'm laying there, knowing this is the moment. I had to tell him.

So I did.

I was very matter-of-fact. I told him that I was quitting drinking, that I was about to spiral out of control with it so I was quitting before it went that far. I told him that I didn't expect him to fix it or me, that I just needed his support, I needed his help more with the kids and around the house so I'm not so stressed. I also told him that I couldn't take any judgment because I'm hard enough on myself as it is.

I felt vulnerable, exposed and I hated it.

He told me that he had been worried about me.

After I told him I realized the main reason I didn't want to tell him is due to the accountability factor. Now that I've told him that I don't want to drink anymore, he's going to hold me to that. And the part of me that hasn't yet surrendered, the part that doesn't want to give up alcohol, doesn't want me to be held accountable. If I hadn't told him, then I could still drink if I want to and he'd be none the wiser. Which is exactly why I had to tell him. Not that I want him to be watching my every move because that will only piss me off. But I do need someone close to me to know what I'm doing.

Today Abby and I are going shopping together. Just the two of us and I'm looking forward to that. I need some time to connect with her.

The weekend looms before me, we have no plans. The weekend will be hard, I usually drink a lot on the weekend. But I will make it through, probably spend a lot of time reading, I found some books at the library and I'm going to visit the book store today. I will take naps because I am exhausted, drained. And I think I may try some new recipes.

But I will make it through.

Dragging On

2007-07-12T17:34:00.000-05:00

I feel like today has gone on forever.

I felt the same way yesterday.

Usually I don't know where the day has gone it flies by so quickly.

I just feel weird. It's hard to explain.

I've actually had moments where I can smell margaritas. It was like I was putting a margarita to my lips when I wasn't even drinking anything! Talk about strange.

Still Trying

2007-07-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired today. I think emotionally I'm just exhausted and my body is still recovering from my drinking binge on Tuesday.

I failed to mention the binge. Mostly out of shame. But really that binge is what precipitated my decision to acknowledge my problem. So I should be thankful.

My body is trying to rid itself of the toxins, I think the long massage yesterday really helped. I should be drinking more water as that will help flush my system.

I'm still battling this. Part of me thinks I'm making this out to be more than it is. It's not like I drank everyday or went to bars all the time. I haven't had a DWI. I guess I don't fit the mold of what most people, including myself, consider an alcoholic or someone with a drinking problem. But with more reading I'm doing, I have seen how there are a lot of people who are highly functioning, who don't drink every single day but still they have a problem.

I guess it goes back to knowing what is right for me or wrong for me.

After my binge onTuesday, when I was up in the wee hours of Wednesday morning feeling like shit, I could see where this was headed and that scared the hell out of me. I don't want to hurt my children and it was like God was showing me that I was one step away from doing so.

I wish we were going on vacation this weekend. Only because I want to escape. I don't want to face this weekend, face any social situations where I would usually drink. But yet, I drank mostly at home and I can't run from home. I just need to meet this head on and make my way through, day by day, minute by minute.

I'm feeling the need to be more creative. Maybe I should pull out the blanket I was crocheting a couple of months back. Start to write poems, journaling would probably be a good thing anyway. I don't know. I just feel the need to do something, stay busy I guess.

One thing I'm realizing is that I have to learn to live in the here and now. I have a tendency to worry about tomorrow, next week, next year. Those worries just pile up until I'm ready to just explode which is where my eating and drinking come into the picture. I can't deal with all the anxiety, I need something to make me feel better.

So I'm going to really work on catching myself worrying about so much. I can only concentrate on today, getting through today. There's a bible verse about that. It's funny how a lot of scripture has been popping in my head the last couple of days.

I'm off to eat some lunch, my stomach is rolling but I need to eat. I'm just about done here at work and then I'm off to the library. I'm hoping to find some good reading material on alcoholism.

And just if you're wondering, no I haven't talked with JR yet. I fell asleep on the sofa last night. Think I'm avoiding?

Trying

2007-07-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

This is the time of day when I really want to drink. The stresses and worries of the day are weighing heavily on my shoulders and because I don't feel like I can deal with all the emotions, I have a drink or I eat.

I feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of this than needed. I'm not such a drinker that I'm going through the horrible withdrawal with physical symptoms. But still, I know for me, I have a problem. The drinking has become a way of coping rather than just something I do every now and again because of the social aspect of it.

I haven't talked with JR yet. I'm tired, irritated and a little worried/concerned with his reaction. I don't want to be judged and JR has a tendency to judge others, only because he's never had a "problem". It's hard to be sympathetic and understanding sometimes when you honestly don't understand it. He just doesn't understand why I would need to use any substance to cope.

I also don't want him keeping a close eye on me. He does that enough already. I want his support which doesn't mean that I expect him to watch me like a hawk. I want him to listen if I need to talk, help lift some of my burdens so that I'm not so stressed out everyday.

I have no idea when or how to even have this conversation. I don't want to discuss it in front of the kids but if I wait until later, he'll be too tired to even be coherent which will only piss me off.

I took the day off work today. I actually called in sick which is funny since I work for family. Instead I booked an hour and a half massage. It was wonderful and the massage therapist remarked on how tight my muscles in neck and back were. Afterwards I was nauseated which can happen, something about all the toxins being moved about.

I think one step in all this is I need to learn how to be kind to myself. Staying sober is one powerful way to be kind to myself, don't you think? I've been doing some research online and I've read a lot about the link between sugar and alcoholism, just something to ponder. I've always halfway joked that sugar was my main drug of choice.

I'm tired so I'm going to curl up with a magazine. Maybe I'll get around to talking with JR.

Finally Admitting

2007-07-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

I think you can tell that I obviously have something going on with me.

In the spirit of being honest here as well as with myself, I think it's time that I cut the bullshit and get real.

This is hard for me. Once I admit this and put it out there, I can no longer ignore it, I am basically forcing myself to do something. And there's a part of me that doesn't want to change it but I know deep in my bones that I have to.

I have a drinking problem.

I don't drink everyday though I could. When I do drink I have a hard time stopping. Each time I'm consuming more and more.

As a teen I had a drinking problem. I drank every single day for a long time. I had alcohol poisoning twice. I would drive drunk all the time, there were times I would wake up at home in my bed with no recollection of how I got home. There were times I woke up in a strange place with no idea where I was and with who. I would get drunk, make myself throw up and go back and continue drinking.

Alcohol made me carefree, my worries would seem to disappear with each drink. I liked the attention I would get because I could drink my guy friends under the table and back then I wasn't a very big person. It's hard to keep weight on you when you're throwing up and hungover all the time, food had no appeal to me back then.

I met JR when I was 19, I was still drinking heavily though I wasn't doing drugs anymore. JR was not/is not a drinker. I married him when I was 20 and got pregnant with Ally right away. After her birth, I decided I didn't want to drink anymore.

I didn't drink for years. I turned to food.

After my mom died in 2003, I started drinking again. My drinking has progressively increased. Now I'm drinking every weekend and more often than not at least twice during the week.

I don't get falling down drunk anymore. I don't throw up. I don't drink and drive. But I know deep down that I'm heading down a road I don't want to revisit. I've been blessed with a good gut instinct and my gut is telling me I need to get a grip on this and now.

I don't want to because it's going to be hard. I'm going to have to make some changes and I'm going to have to fight the urges which are so intense, the term white knuckling it is the most accurate way to describe it.

I'm going to have to go to JR and ask for his support. I've been harboring some hard feelings toward him because I can sense his disapproval in my drinking. He knows my past and he is watching me spiral downward and I know he hasn't known what to do because he knows by confronting me, I would get angry.

It's like the battle of good and evil going on inside me. I don't want to live this way but yet, I like the feeling alcohol gives me. But then I wake up in the morning with a headache and feeling guilty.

I don't know.

I don't want to live like this.

But more than anything, I do not want to be a drunk mother.

Open

2007-07-10T15:12:00.000-05:00

This isn't the post that I was referring to earlier.

But it's something that I'm wondering about.

How open are you?

By that I mean, how open are you with your spouse or significant other? How honest?

Do you share all your thoughts, deep feelings?

I don't.

That makes me sad to admit.

But I feel the need to keep a part of myself separate.

I've been with my husband for almost 16 years. I love him and can't imagine my life without him in it. I trust him more than I trust any other person.

Yet, I still keep a part of myself back.

For several reasons I guess. One being that I'm just not capable of being that open with anyone. The second being that I worry if sharing all of myself will make him turn tail and run.

I know those reasons are due to my past, my issues with my father and my mother. But I feel the way I feel. Regardless.

So tell me, how open are you?

No Title Today, I'm Too Lazy

2007-07-10T10:17:00.000-05:00

I made it through the vet visit from hell. My dog is one of the most mild mannered dogs you'd ever meet, until he enters the vet's office. My dog does not bark and only growls in his sleep. The only sound he makes is a whine now and then. Until he enters the vet's office. He becomes this different dog. He growls and snarls, even shows his teeth! It took 3 of us to hold him down so he could get his shots and blood taken. And the drool, copious amounts all over and I do not like dog slobber. At all.

I ended up leaving him there so they could bathe him. He's been having this weird skin condition that causes him to get this greasy back. Gag. And nothing so far has worked and man, the grease is just nasty. When I give him a bath, I use a ton of Dawn dishwashing detergent and I still can't get it all out. So they offered to help me out and I was like all over that. Apparently he did behave better once I left.

Sounds like my kids.

Anyway, he's now on allergy medicine, the vet thinks he may have allergies which is causing his skin problem. He's so clean now, you can pet him all over without having to the avoid the grease pit.

In the midst of all the hub-bub at the vet, my cell phone rings and it's Abby, at camp, complaining of a stomach ache. She hadn't been there 2 hours. So I pulled the bad mommy routine and told her to eat a snack, drink some water and I pretty much hung up. The dog was flipping out by this point.

So then I'm all worried about Abby, I'm texting Ally to see if she thinks Abby is faking cuz Abby is known for that and she can be quite dramatic. I knew it was damn hot too. But she hadn't complained of a stomach ache before camp.

Then I realized it was probably from eating crabs on Sunday. My stomach was a little woozy because I always feel that way aftering eating crabs which is why I can't eat the amount that I used to.

Abby ended up feeling better and she actually enjoyed camp.

All 3 are back at camp again today and I think today is far more humid than yesterday. They get lots of water breaks and they have a tent set up so the kids can take breaks in the shade. They even get to go inside the school for lunch so they cool off for awhile. I do worry though because it feels awful outside.

I'm working on a post that I want to write, rolling it all around in my brain before I put it out there. I really shouldn't care how I sound because this is my blog but I do want to make a little sense.

Not that I make sense very often anyway.

Back to Reality

2007-07-09T08:45:00.000-05:00

It is said that all good things must come to an end.

How true.

After enjoying 2 good days, I was brought back to reality. Just some bullshit with Ally and one of her friends, I'm not going to go into great detail only because it involves the friend. It was just a prime example of how teenagers really aren't developmentally ready to make good, sound choices.

But I'm dealing with it without crawling into a ball in my bed.

All 3 kids are at lacrosse camp for the next 4 days. It's a daycamp but I was still stressing a little because it's supposed to reach 100 degrees today and Abby has never done an all day sports camp before. She was worried about not knowing anyone, who would she sit with at lunch, what if no one would pass the ball with her? Her big brother stepped up and said she could hang with him and his friends. He's such a good brother. But she ended up knowing several girls there and I know she'll have no problems with making new friends.

So I left feeling comfortable.

Now I'm about to take our dog to the vet, he's due for shots. I hate going to the vet. I hate the whole process, it's just gross. But it needs to be done and at least I only have to go once a year. I just hope he doesn't have to have his anal sacs emptied. The smell is just, God, I can't even describe it. Thank God I had left the room when they did it. I'm very upfront with the vets, I tell them if you're going to do anything weird or gross, I need to step out. Damn if I want to faint on that dirty floor.

Once I get through that I will feel much better.

I went to exercise again this morning. I swear they are trying to kill us. We're doing more time on the treadmill, using high inclines, doing sprints. At least going to Hershey Park will be a breeze this year, the hills and walking shouldn't even bother me.

Ok, I'm off to the vet so I can be told that my dog is a fat ass.

Ahhh

2007-07-06T21:00:00.000-05:00

I just love when everyone has gone to bed and I'm up by myself. It doesn't happen very often, Ally usually stays up late and I usually can't stay awake past 10pm. But this morning I had the luxury of being able to go back to bed after coming home from exercise class. I was home by 6:30am, took a shower and I headed straight for the bed. It was heavenly.

I took Trev, Abby and her friend, Lauren to the pool. We were there for 3 hours and I finally had to drag them out because I had to get Lauren back home. It was a nice, relaxing time.

Tonight we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It was really good. We've been trying to go there for months, we were given a gift card for the place at Christmas. The wait is usually 1-2 hours so we never stay. We were smart tonight and did the call ahead seating. We only waited about 10 minutes. And just so you know, they have awesome margaritas.

Tomorrow Trev and JR are going fishing on the Bay. I plan on sleeping in, maybe even reading a little before I get up. I'm going to do laundry and get the house in order. Basically I'm not going to do anything much.

Today I feel like I can take a deep breath. I'm not filled with dread, instead I feel good, happy. It feels wonderful and I'm going to enjoy feeling this way. I realized tonight how I don't do that, I don't choose to enjoy the good days. Instead I choose to focus on my depression, the not so good days. It's no wonder I'm down so often!

What things make you go ahhh?

OBX Bound

2007-07-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

We have booked a week's vacation at the Outer Banks. We originally were going to just stay home this summer, save our money for school tuition. But who can really vacation while at home? So we decided to go somewhere anyway and out of all the vacations we've taken, going to the Outer Banks was by far the most relaxing. And that's what we did need, that's what I need. My favorite thing to do is sit on the beach, listen to the ocean, watch my kids swim and if I can manage it, read a good book.

We went to the Outer Banks last year, it was our first time and I loved it instantly. We went with another family and it was fun but I didn't relax like I will when it's just us. You know what I mean. I'll be able to sit around in my pj's with no bra.

But I have to admit that I am a bit apprehensive. The kids haven't been getting along real well, they can't agree on much of anything. Ally is at the age where her brother and sister are not cool and she has no desire to do anything they want to do which means she sits around and talks about how bored she is. And there isn't a whole lot to do at the Outer Banks which is what I love about it, you have no reason to not relax but that also presents the challenge of keeping each other occupied in a sense.

I've already talked with JR about my concerns and I pretty much laid it out there that he is going to have to help make this vacation a good one. JR is a good father but is very content with me being in charge of everything regarding the kids. Mainly because he's always worked so much and I was always home. I have to admit I'm worn out though and I need his help.

I'm going to take our favorite games. I also plan to head to the beach in the early morning and go shelling. I never had the chance to do that last year. I'm sure we'll go sight seeing again, maybe take the ferry to Ocracoke Island and spend the day there, that was fun even though we didn't stay long. Last year we only went out and about one day and even then the other family was a tad offended that we took a day to ourselves. So at least this year we won't have to worry about that.

I'm glad we're going away though, it gives all of us something to look forward to.

Well, I need to run and pack a cooler. I'm taking the kids to the pool. It's gonna be a hot one today so we might as well spend the day there.