According to Ty

One Door Closes

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 15:40:00 +0000

I think it's time for me to close down this blog. I'm not going to delete it, at least not right away. But I probably will delete it, only because I think I need to walk away for awhile and I might not stay away if my blog is still there. And I'm hoping when I come back (I know I will at some point) that I am in a much better place and starting fresh would be a good thing.

I need time to take care of myself. And there are things going on in my life that I just can't share here, things I need to face, things that are going to take all of my focus.

I will still be checking my email (accordingtoty@gmail.com) and I know I'll be lurking in the background of all my favorite bloggers.

Until I come back:

Ann(ie) - Enjoy that cute little boy of yours and I hope you are expecting another cutie as soon as you're ready!

Andrea - Enjoy your trip and know that I admire you for all the hard work you're doing in taking care of yourself. I do think we are somehow related!

Chris H - I hope your house does sell and that your next home is everything you want it to be.

Chelle - I hope you find happiness and contentment in your life. You were one of my first blogging friends and I appreciate your kindness and understanding.

Mama G - Good luck with the new baby, I'm sure you're busy sewing away and getting prepared.

And just in case I have any lurkers out there, thanks for sticking around.

Take care and I'll see you again.

Better

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 23:05:00 +0000

Today was tournament day which means we are done with soccer, woo hoo!

My father is doing well. I went to see him earlier and I was surprised at how much better he looked and acted. He had his first dialysis treatment this morning which went fine. I look for him to start to feel much better as he has more dialysis.

I'm feeling pretty good emotionally. I had a melt down Thursday night, JR pissed me off and I just lost it. And it was nice. I mean, I think I really needed to unload and honestly, he needed to hear it.

So even though I was exhausted after yesterday, I was fine.

I'm still struggling with wanting to be antisocial and with having absolutely no patience for other people and their dumbness. But it's something I can work through. I am due to start any day now so that has a little to do with that.

I have lots of different things I could bitch about but I'm trying to think and be more positive so I'm not gonna.

I'm off to hopefully go out to dinner. Cuz I ain't cookin'.

Long Day

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 01:16:00 +0000

Dad has been transferred to another hospital, has had another port put in for dialysis and will probably be starting it tomorrow.

It's been a long day.

I am tired.

Know What I Hate....

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 15:19:00 +0000

When someone walks in the office and walks right past my desk and acts like I am not sitting there. No hi, bye, kiss my ass, nuthin'!

Thought Life

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 17:47:00 +0000

I find myself observing other people quite a bit. Even though I know things aren't always as they appear, I feel like everyone else is happier, more content, just all around better off than I am.

I wonder if there is something I'm missing out on, some secret to being happy, content, better.

I do know that there are people that appear happy and content regardless of their circumstances. And of course, most people are not going to spill all their woes in a public setting which makes it real easy to observe someone and think that all is wonderful with them.

I guess feeling this way is really a form of self pity.

I wish I didn't feel like I was missing out. In all honesty, I am missing out but not on some big secret. I'm missing out on life by choosing to think this way.

I've had this mindset for as long as I can remember so I know that it's not something I can change over night.

I'm starting to really study about how our thoughts determine our lives. Now if I can only put it all into practice.

Happy Halloween & Stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 13:13:00 +0000

Dad was put in the hospital yesterday, he's dehydrated again, kidney function is bad again. You know a person is feeling bad when they actually want to be admitted to the hospital. I have not been to see him yet, he was given a medication to either increase or decrease his potassium and that particular medication causes severe diarrhea. I called to check on him, thinking maybe I could come for a short visit but he was asleep after having explosive diarrhea. I decided to pass on the visit. I have talked with him this morning, he is feeling better and if he continues feeling well, I'll go up to see him today.

Of course today is Halloween so we'll be busy with that tonight. I'm such a slacker, we didn't even carve pumpkins this year, first year ever.

Oh well, I never professed to be super woman.

The office is quiet this morning, you-know-who will not be in today. I have to come to accept that this is just the type of person she is and it's not that she doesn't have any good qualities. She can just be so freaking mean. I used to take it personally, especially when JR and I were getting married. The things she said to me and about me were borderline abusive and I just internalized all of it. I was young though and she intimidated me. Now I just get pissed and sometimes if I feel it's needed, I go back at her. Like I said yesterday, thank God I don't have to live with her.

I guess I should go earn my paycheck.

Just A little Rant

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 15:47:00 +0000

Back to work today.

And you know, I realize now why I feel like I have the life sucked out of me when I get home.

The bitching is enough to drive me insane.

But at least, I don't have to live with her.

Ok, Enough With Being A Downer

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 01:41:00 +0000

Yes, we are still sad around here. My poor Trev, I knew out of all the kids, Buster's death would hit him the hardest. He loved that dog. I've been surprised by my own feelings, I've never been one of those die hard dog lovers. I mean I've always loved and cared for my dog as well as all my pets. But I never let Buster sleep with me, he wasn't allowed on our furniture and God, I did cuss him when I had to pick up the piles of shit he would leave in Abby's room. Even with all that, he was very much my dog. He had to be in the same room as me and if he couldn't, he would lay outside the door until I opened it. He loved greeting me when I got home, I've often joked at how out of everyone, he was always the happiest to see me.

But we have to move on.

My father did not end up in the hospital and my sister ended up going to the doctor with him. He's obviously having some kind of reaction to one of his many medications. They've pinpointed one that they feel is the culprit so now he's off of it and hopefully, he'll start to improve. If he is not better by Wednesday, they will put him in the hospital.

I took the day off even though I didn't have to go with Dad. Call it a mental health day. I ran errands, spent money and I even took a 15 minute power nap before picking Trev up from school. I actually cooked a good meal-baked chicken, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, croissant rolls. Yes, a ton of carbs, a total comfort meal but it was so good.

I don't think I've mentioned how I've been having horrible pain in my hip. I'm talking can't walk without pain, can't get up without pain, can't sleep on that side. So I decided that I would take last week off of exercise and wouldn't you know, the pain went away. Last night I went for a walk with JR, did my normal 3 miles at a good clip but I didn't jog/run. I walked. So far no pain. Even though I would like to call myself a runner, I think my body is telling we otherwise. I've also decided to not sign up for another month of training class. I have a hard time not overdoing it when I go and right now, I'm really enjoying not being in pain. I know enough now that I can work out on my own.

Ally had a good day at school. She has moved past the crying stage of her break up. Now she's got the whatever attitude. Thankfully she never got so caught up in him that she ditched her friends so really, her life isn't all that different.

I don't know if it's due to the change in weather, it's finally cooling off here!! But I'm getting the itch to get crafty.

I'm also thinking about getting back on the South Beach diet, I did it in the past and I felt wonderful. It's a lot of cooking and planning but for the love of all things holy, I need to do something.

Before I go, I want to thank all of you that have still stopped by and visited me while I've either been away or a total, freaking depressed mess. I also want to thank those of you who emailed me privately. (((Hugs to you all.))))

Bad News, Again

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 01:07:00 +0000

Last night our dog was hit by a car and he died.

It has been one very long, emotional day.

The kids are devastated.

And even though I didn't think that I would be, so am I.

I keep looking for him.

My father is not well. I will probably be going to the doctor with him and his wife tomorrow. Something is wrong, the rash is spreading, his arm is swelling and he's confused. He's so weak that I am going so I can help get him into the doctor's office. I will not be surprised if he ends up back in the hospital.

The hits just keep on coming.

Bad Example

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 22:36:00 +0000

This morning Ally crawled into my bed, in tears. Her eyes were all swollen, snot just a runnin', poor girl was miserable. Trev had come to me about 5 minutes before and told me that around 6am he woke up (all 3 kids crashed in the livingroom last night) and Ally was crying. He didn't know what to do, afraid he would make her angry so he just left her alone. So I was expecting for her to be upset when she woke up again.

So we laid in bed together and I listened as she talked and eventually worked herself out of it. Then I decided a shopping day was in order since soccer tournaments were cancelled, it has rained nonstop here since Wednesday.

I arranged it so that just she and I went shopping. Abby went with my sister, Trev went to a friends and well, JR stayed home. It's deer season after all.

On the way to the mall I got to thinking that maybe I wasn't setting a good example, I mean, I pretty much was passing on the warm and fuzzy qualities of retail therapy. Maybe I should have encouraged her to go for a walk, journal, paint. I don't know. But being the loving mother I am, I encouraged her to spend money and my money at that!

It's been a good day so far for her. Right now we are home, waiting for JR to get out of the tree and we're going to take her to dinner. Yet another bad example, when you're feeling bad, go out to eat.

Before we went to the mall we stopped by my father's. It wasn't a good visit. I know that he is miserable, he has now broken out in a rash that covers his entire body and he can't stop itching. They think it's the antibiotic he was put on due to his butt being broke out from having accidents. So the man has a sore butt, an itchy rash and he's still having pain and there is a possibility the rash is from the pain medication, if so, that will have to be changed. I know that I would not be the nicest person to be around if I was going through all that he is but I thought he would've liked for all us to stop by for a visit.

So not the case.

I won't go into much detail here because I just have to get over it. I need to keep telling myself to not take it personally.

It's hard not to.

I'm sitting here with a glass of wine, don't freak though, I'm not going to drink the entire bottle. I'm going to enjoy dinner, sleep in tomorrow and spend the day futzing around the house, I don't plan on getting out of my sweats.

Everything will be fine. I am fine

Heart Breaker

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 01:52:00 +0000

My baby has her first real broken heart.

Her boyfriend of 5 months told her tonight that he wants a break, not that he wants to break up, just a break for maybe the weekend.

Yeah, right.

Sounds like the boy doesn't know what he really wants so until he figures it out, he wants to keep Ally in his back pocket. He knows that once other guys at school find out she's single, they'll be following her around like lost puppy dogs.

I've known this was coming so I'm not surprised. It's hard though to see her so upset. My only worry is she will let him continue to jerk her around because she likes him so much.

I can only do so much though.

I've told her she will be fine, that the first few days are the worst.

And that the best revenge is going to school on Monday looking awesome and going on with life as if you're happy even though you're feeling like crap on the inside.

We'll see. They could be madly in love again by Tuesday.

As Promised

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 18:17:00 +0000

Checkin' In

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 23:25:00 +0000

Just thought I would check in to let the few of you know that I am ok. Ann-you are such a sweetie, I am going to try and email you, if not you can reach me at accordingtoty@gmail.com.

My FIL spent the last week in the hospital with a staph infection (not the serious one all over the news but still nothing to ignore). With his unexpected illness, JR has had to step up and take care of business. And he has but talk about stressed.

I have been helping with my father. He got very good news on the cancer front, so much so that he is getting a break from chemo for a bit. But he is so close to dialysis it's not funny. His kidney function is bad. He's not drinking or eating because everything tastes bad-a side effect of chemo. He became dehyrated and had to receive IV fluids, thankfully done on an outpatient basis. His not being able to drink is not helping his kidney function. I've tried, the doctor has tried to make him understand that he has to drink.

It's very hard to see him feel so badly.

The kids are well. Ally finished her season with JV field hockey, she will find out tomorrow if they will have her move up to varsity to help them play offs. She hopes they don't and in all honesty I hope they don't either. Trev and Abby will finish up soccer on the 27th, I'm looking forward to that.

Why, I don't know. It's not like I'll be doing anything once sports are over.

And that is something I will have to work on. I refuse to spend another winter, cooped up in the house.

I feel as if I've reached a point where I need to make some decisions. Some aren't going to be easy but need to be made anyway. Which is why I've backed off of blogging.

And just so you know, I'm still keeping track of all of you. Just because I don't comment, I am there in the background.

Shoot me an email, I'd love to here from you.

Taking A Break

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 17:25:00 +0000

Be back soon.

Better Late Than Never

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 14:35:00 +0000

Friday night was the Fall Soiree at Trev's school. JR took Trev and Abby to Ally's field hockey game leaving me to either stay home or attend the soiree alone.

I seriously considered staying home. I've had a hard time with social situations as an adult. I know that sounds odd, usually it's the other way around. Most people I know were wall flowers in their younger years and more outgoing as they got older. Not so for me. I went from being very sociable to very antisocial.

Due to my weight.

Anyway.

I decided that I would go and make an appearance at the soiree. Maybe stay 15 minutes. When I got there I was very nervous. There were a lot of people there, most I don't know. But thankfully as soon as I got out of my van, I saw someone I know pretty well and she and I walked in together.

I then ran into the lady that was instrumental in helping me get Trev into this school and we talked for a few minutes.

Yet, I was still uncomfortable and I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I was all set to go but decided I would go down this one hallway to check out the walls-they hang everything the kids do on the walls, it's incredible. So I wanted to see if I could find something Trev had done and then I was going to go.

I rounded the corner and ran into one of my old, old friends from high school. I hadn't seen her in about 9 years. And she's one of the few people from my past that I do enjoy seeing if our paths happen to cross.

We started talking and catching up. And before I knew it, it was almost 10 o'clock.

I spent some time watching her interact with others, she knew a ton of people there. She happens to be very close to the director of the school. And as I watched her I realized how out of the loop I truly am, how introverted I had become, how seriously insecure I was and how I'd let those insecurities pretty much paralyze me.

I had a great time and I'm glad that I went. But I'm also saddened by some of the realizations I had too. I mean I knew I've always been insecure, always. It's just hard to admit and be totally honest about how I've let those insecurities run my life.

I think the biggest thing that I've had to admit is how somewhere along the line I stopped living, stopped being me.

I just stopped. I became a wife and a mother and I don't regret for a single second becoming either of those. Yet I lost myself somewhere in the process. I think most women are guilty of that to some degree.

It goes deeper than just that though. When I gained all my weight, I was so ashamed, I didn't want to face anyone so I stayed home and ate some more. I stopped living. I used being a wife and mother as an excuse.

And I guess another hard thing to come to terms with is now that I feel ready to live again, to be me again, I don't know how. I don't even know who I am. Maybe I never did. When I look back at my youth, I remember always conforming myself into what I thought other people expected me to be.

I'm tired of letting my insecurities rule my life. I'm tired of feeling ashamed.

I want to live, I want to experience all that life has to offer. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, I don't want to keep feeling like somehow I don't deserve to truly live.

It's hard to be 35 years old and trying to find out who the hell I am and what I want in life. Better late than never, right?

So, how do I plan to figure all this out? I haven't a clue.

I did text my friend from the other night, letting her know that it was great to see her and to spend time with her. I told her that I wanted to keep in touch. She received my text but never responded. Of course that has nagged at me, maybe she didn't like seeing me as much as I did her. Just another example of my insecurity. I automatically assume the worst. And it embarasses me more than I care to admit how much it has bothered me that she didn't respond back. And I have found myself going back and forth about never contacting her again-that's probably what she wants anyway-to possibly inviting her over for dinner one night.

I don't know.

I feel stupid even admitting this and I almost didn't blog about it. But I just had this overwhelming need to get it all out.

Even though this is a bit painful, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I feel this way because maybe this will force me to change. I'm thankful that I'm realizing all this now with time to change things.

Of course, I have to figure out what I need to do to change things and then find the guts to do it.

Good Week

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 13:04:00 +0000

Well, I managed to go to the gym for all 3 classes this week.

This morning was rough. I felt weak and I had a hard time keeping my breathing right which caused me to get that lovely pain in my side.

I didn't eat like I should have yesterday and I think that had a lot to do with feeling so weak this morning. I only ate one meal yesterday, around 2pm. I know better.

I got busy at work so I didn't eat breakfast. I'm not much of a breakfast eater anyway so it's easy for me to skip. Then my sister called me at lunch time to see if I could take our father home, he was done his treatment and his wife couldn't pick him up for another 2.5 hours. So off I went.

Of course seeing him got my stomach in knots. He is really struggling and seeing him like that is so damn hard. He's walking with a cane now, some days he's even in a wheelchair depending on how much pain he's in.

But I plugged along, making small talk, trying to keep things light. We're still feeling our way around each other. It's better though.

I finally grabbed lunch after I took him home and it was McDonald's. Yuck. I always regret eating there. But it was fast and convenient at the time.

Then I ran to pick up Abby and then off to get Trev. I get back home and just curl up in the recliner. And there I stayed until it was time for soccer practice which I was dreading. I just didn't want to be around Barry and Chris. I know it's stupid but it's the truth. Mainly, I'm not in the mood to force myself to be friendly with them. I hate that I feel like I have to. And it's forced on both sides.

It's a long, stupid situation that I couldn't even begin to explain here so I'm not going to bother. It's just something that irritates the shit out of me which makes me angry because I don't want to spend what energy I do have on stupid stuff like that. You know?

So I planted my butt in my chair and kept to myself. I waved and said hello but that was it. I'm not rude but I'm not going out of my way either. I mean this whole situation could probably be made better if JR and I were to reach out and basically smooth things over. I just don't know if I want to.

Whatever.

By the time we got home from practice, I was hungry but I didn't want to eat. So I didn't and I paid the price this morning.

We have another busy weekend ahead with absolutely no down time. Tonight is the Fall Soiree at Trev's school-basically it's a fundraiser and I'm going alone. That's a whole other story too but I'm trying to be more positive so I won't bitch about that too. Then on Saturday we have soccer from 9am to 3pm. And then my in-laws want everyone to come over to eat crabs which means my SIL and her family will be there. Ugh. And then on Sunday is JR's grandmother's big birthday bash, we have to be there at 1pm and who the hell knows when we'll get out of there.

And since I've spent the majority of this post being bitchy and complaining, I have to try and balance it out with listing some positives. Here goes:

I made it to the gym 3 times this week
I have cooked dinner every night this week (great news for our finances)
I have taken my thyroid medication everyday (I forget it all the time)
I have not been consumed with overly anxious thoughts
I have not been panicky
I have gone to bed at a reasonable hour 4 out of 5 nights

So all in all it's been a good week.

Even Though

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 20:41:00 +0000

I've been trying to be more positive. I have a tendency to focus on the negative. I have the tendency to get overwhelmed by the harder, not so good things in my life.

So I decided that I needed to work on all of that because obviously the way I'm going about things is not working.

I'm trying not to blog so much gloom and doom, thinking that will help me not focus on the gloom and doom. And to a degree it does help but on the other hand, I'm not releasing some of my feelings.

Because even though I'm trying to be more positive, I still feel certain ways, I'm still being faced with certain situations.

Maybe it's a matter of acknowledging the feeling or situation but also acknowledging the good.

Like, even though Barry and Chris may not be the friends we thought they were, we still have other people who are our friends.

Like, even though Dad is so sick, at least we are being given the chance to have a relationship. A real relationship.

I know that I need to change my thought life as well as my eating habits in order to have a better emotional self. I feel like I've turned a corner or that my eyes have been opened and I'm beginning to see what I need to do to be ok.

It's a process and I hope that I can continue to be open and willing to what I need to do.

Encouraging Words

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 19:36:00 +0000

I went to the gym again this morning. And I was put in the "fit group". Again.

I did pretty good though I did voice my concern at being in that group.

I am able to jog a lot longer than I thought which is a good feeling. But running is whole 'nother story.

Danny (trainer) had us going at the speed of 6.0. For me that is running. Honestly, 5.5 is challenging for me. I can 5.0 pretty well but if you add incline, that changes things.

I'm still learning how to breathe while I jog/run as well.

The most awesome part about this morning was this girl Tameka. She is super fit, she is strong. And she was so encouraging toward me. When we were back on the treadmill the 2nd time and Danny had us go at 6.0, she was right there telling me-You can do it! Just remember to breathe! You're almost there! Don't give up!

And you know, it truly helped me.

It almost brought me to tears because I realized how I never hear those kinds of encouraging words, from myself or anyone else. And I realized how often I don't think I can do anything.

It felt awesome and I don't know if Tameka will ever really know what her encouragement meant to me.

Represent!

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 20:41:00 +0000

I managed to drag myself to the gym this morning.

My morning training class has grown in size again which means the trainer splits the class in two. Half do the stations, half stay on the treadmills for cardio and then we switch.

Last week I was in the "chubby girl" group and I was cool with that because well, I am a chubby girl. And let me tell you, I was so glad too because the trainer was making the "more fit" group run, a lot and with the incline.

Well, today I was put the with "more fit" group. When the trainer told me to stay on the treadmill but told my fellow chubby girls to head to the stations, my heart hit my feet.

I started feeling nervous-I knew that I would not be able to run like he had made the group last week. I mean, I can jog some but not for too long and not at more than a 2% incline.

But I decided that I would just do what I could do and not pay attention to what the others were doing.

And I'm here to tell you I didn't do half bad. I did have to slow down to a fast walk about 2 minutes before everyone else and I wasn't able to run at the 5.5 speed as long, I had to bring it down to 5.

There were a few times that I felt like I just couldn't do it. Instead I focused on my breathing, keeping my eyes straight ahead. But I ran much longer than I thought I could, I mean I ran more than I walked. I actually only walked the one time when the incline was at 4%.

In the corner of my eye, I could see the one guy to my left looking over at me quite a bit. Maybe it was out of concern-I was awful red in the face. Maybe he was mesmerized by my boobs (I wear two bras but I am a double D, there's only so much I can do to hold the girls in place). Or maybe he was impressed-at the chubby girl, running right along with them, not giving up.

I was wanting to raise my hand and yell Represent! Chubby girls!

I'm sure he wasn't impressed with that though. It was probably my boobs.

Family Drama

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 20:02:00 +0000

I went to the baby shower yesterday, even though I was so freaking tired from being up all night with teenagers. I just felt like it was the right thing to do.

And sure 'nuff, we had some family drama.

My mother-in-law is one of 7 children. About 5 years ago she had a falling out with her one brother-I don't want to go into great detail only because it's kind of a long story. Basically it had to do with business-John (the brother) felt that my father-in-law was cheating him during the building of his (John's) home. And I can tell you that my FIL has been in business for over 30 years, is well known for his quality work and I can tell you because I do all the bills, we don't cheat anyone. John thinks everyone is out to screw him over though, maybe because he's always out to screw over the next person.

So basically John and his wife, Betty, have not talked with my MIL, FIL, JR or me for I guess it would be 5 years. They do however, talk to my SIL because she goes out of her way to "keep the lines of communication open in hopes of a reconciliation) whereas JR and I wanted nothing to do with John and Betty after they trashed my FIL to everyone. And he did trash my FIL, horribly the whole time the house was being built. He trashed my FIL to his own employees, the subcontractors, everyone.

And even though my MIL would never admit it, this has really hurt her. And I don't want to be a part of anything that will hurt my in-laws. My SIL refuses to see that John and Betty use her to get at my in-laws-use her by inviting only her to their son's wedding, by going out of their way to talk to her in front of them while refusing to even look my in-laws in the eye.

But then I guess it's hard to look someone in the eye when you know you are wrong.

Anyway.

So we're at this baby shower, in the food line. My MIL and I on one side of the table, Betty on the other. And my MIL spoke to Betty, basically extending the olive branch.

And Betty totally dissed her.

I mean, wouldn't even acknowledge she spoke. At all.

I don't know if it was because I was tired. Or maybe it's just how I don't have any patience for bullshit right now. But I got so angry and I was all like-You have got to be kidding me! That is so stupid, can't even say hello! I know she heard me too, she scurried away, head down.

My MIL has caught so much grief from her one sister over this-Aunt Ann thinks my MIL should be the one to reach out and try to smooth things over. Even though my MIL didn't do anything wrong to begin with.

My MIL looked at me and said-And they all think I'm the bitch.

And I said-At least you can say you tried. I wouldn't do it again. The ball is in their court now.

I watched Betty the rest of the day and how she didn't talk with anyone. Except my SIL. And you know, it's really sad because she and John are both so removed from the whole family.

This Sunday is my MIL's mother's birthday party. So Uncle John and Aunt Betty will both be there.

It should be interesting.

Gone Pink

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 13:11:00 +0000

I'm taking a cue from Ann and gone pink for Breast Cancer Awareness month. My mother's battle began with breast cancer. She found her lump and waited 3 months before going to the doctor, by that point the cancer had attached itself to her chest wall and spread to her lymph nodes.

I am 35 now and I'm planning on getting my first mammogram soon.

Most importantly, don't forget those monthly self exams and if you find something please don't wait, head straight to your doctor.

My mother might be here today if she hadn't waited.

Please Help Me

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 04:26:00 +0000

My house has been taken over by a bunch of teenagers.

Send help ASAP.

Homecoming

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 12:47:00 +0000

Tomorrow is Ally's first Homecoming. She is going to be in the parade, then go to the football game, then we'll spend an hour on her hair (she has a lot of hair and she wants spiral curls) and then I think we have her boyfriend and some friends coming over for pictures before heading off to the dance.

I am borrowing my in-laws' suburban-it's one of the nice, brand new ones so I can tote all these kids around.

And apparently after the dance, we are having quite a few teenagers come back here.

To our house.

While on one hand I am very happy that she wants to have a party here, I really don't know what to do with all of them.

I mean, what do you do after a dance?

See, after all my dances I got drunk. The very first time I ever drank was after my first Homecoming dance.

I never went to after parties where there would be chaperones.

So I'm at a loss.

I just figured I'll buy some junk food and let them rent some movies. We were going to do a bon fire but it's too dry-we're in a drought and living in the woods like we do, a wildfire is totally possible.

I'll be back in a few days with pictures.

Money, yuck

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:51:00 +0000

I sat down today and took an honest look at our finances.

So.Not.Good.

Looks like I'm going to have to rob Peter to pay Paul unless we can get some extra cash flow.

I've already told the kids Christmas will be much smaller than they are used to. Not that it's a bad thing really, they have enough stuff as it is, most of which doesn't get played with anyway.

It's been a very long time since things were this tight.

We'll get through though. One thing we need to change is eating at home more. We spend way too much money on going out to eat, I'd estimate about $400 a month or so. That's a lot. If we can cut back to eating out twice a month at the nicer places we like, we could save $300 or so. Or we could eat out once a week but it would have to be at the local pizza joint with their special.

I'm also going to get back into selling some books and dvds on ebay. I did that a few years back and made $400. It's kind of a pain but we need the money.

It's hard not to get too overwhelmed and stressed when you look at your bills and then look at your checkbook. But having a meltdown won't help the situation.

I'm not frugal by nature though. This will not be easy. Not that I have much choice really, not unless I want to severely in debt and I don't want that.

Are you frugal? Are you in debt?

Selfish and Bitchy

noreply@blogger.com (Ty) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 15:18:00 +0000

I know I'm about to sound bitchy.

This is my blog however, so just click the X if I'm on your nerves.

As you can tell by my posts, I'm going through something. Trying to find my way, dealing with a lot of emotions.

With my father being ill, it has brought back so much of what I went through with my mother. I find myself feeling angry because I had finally gotten myself to a place that I didn't think about the hard times as much. I know though that life is not guaranteed to be easy and there are people that I know personally that are going through much worse.

Yet, this is how I feel.

I am the type of person that when I'm going through something hard, I pull away. Sometimes I think it's because I have to have time to work things through in my mind first and I can't do that with people all up in my business. I also have a hard time being around others during times like this because I feel so different. I feel out of place. I guess because I find it near to impossible to make small talk. Or because I can't make myself appear ok when I'm not.

This Sunday is a baby shower for one of JR's many cousins. I do not want to go. But she is someone that I know that has her own mountain to climb, one that is far larger than mine. Her baby will be undergoing major surgery as a newborn because his/her intestines are on the outside of his/her body. The baby will be in the hospital for at least 6 weeks. It's not that I don't want to go for her, it's just that there will be a ton of people there. I feel obligated to go and I feel like I'm being selfish to not go. I don't know.

Then the following Sunday is this huge birthday party for JR's grandmother and I sure as hell don't want to go there. So I was going to fake being sick and send JR and the kids. Then I find out they are going to be doing family pictures, if I don't go I won't be in them. Not that it really bothers me but I think it would bother my kids, especially years down the road.

And if I break it all down and try to get to the root of why I don't want to go to any of these functions-it's my MIL and SIL. My MIL can be very abrasive, insensitive and when I'm in a mood like this, it's just not good because years ago I put up with her shit, now not so much. And my SIL has a way of just, I don't know, she just doesn't think before she speaks. For example, I know she will ask for my father and then she will go on and on about how blessed she was to have never had a parent be so sick. Blah, blah, blah.

I would love to punch her in the nose to see how blessed she feels then.

So tell me, how selfish do I have the right to be?