I'm Back

I know I said that I wouldn't be back until July.

I guess I lied.

I'm home, thank God. Not that I had a bad time because I really didn't.

All I can say is thank the good Lord that I will not be having anymore children. I so do not want to revisit toddlerhood. I did enough of that this past week.

I'm sitting here, getting tipsy on my beloved margaritas. I've checked in on all my favorite blogs, but I don't feel coherent enough to comment yet. Maybe tomorrow.....

I didn't set out to get so tipsy. I mean, I knew something alcoholic was in store as soon as I got home. Then I opened the mail and saw that our checking account was overdrawn. How the hell that freaking happened, I have no clue. So I transferred money over until I can get it all figured out.

I'm blaming that piece of news on my drunken state.

And to only added insult to injury, I will not be getting any tonight because I brought sugar free peanut butter fudge home for JR and it has gone completely through him. I'd laugh right now if it weren't for the fact that I was hoping to have sex tonight.

I know my kids are glad to be home. They were so damn tired of watching sprout tv and pbs kids. Bring on Spongebob and CSI!

I blew tons of money this week on Dumser's ice cream, numerous goodies from Candy Kitchen, junk from Sunsations, games on the boardwalk and a visit to Ripley's museum which had lots of creepy things but also quite a lot of funny things. Nothing like entering a room with fertility statues that had very descriptive male organs with your children. We got to see Homer Simpson playing the accordion on the boardwalk too and we managed to not get shit on by sea gulls. I think they may have made feeding the damn things against the law, it used to be horrible.

I'm off to consume more devil water before I head to bed. See you when I sober up.

See You in July

I've got a lot going on the next few days so I won't be online much. I'll be back soon, hopefully with some good stories to tell and pictures to share.

Here We Are

JR & Ally

Ally

(if you are looking at the background, yes we have many dead animals on our walls in this room, I fondly call this the dead animal room, JR is an avid hunter so I apologize to any anti-hunters out there)

Trev, me & Abby

(no, that is not a beer can in my hand, it's Diet Coke but don't I look like I need a beer?)

Trev

(this is Trev's favorite sport and I love to watch him play it, for those who may be wondering, the sport is lacrosse, you use the sticks to throw and catch the ball as well as to "check" the other players which basically means you hit the other players, that's why he has so much gear on)

This and That

It's official. Trev will be attending private school come September. We signed the contract and put down the deposit. We'll be paying what a lot of parent's pay in college tuition, I know it's going to be worth it though. I haven't met one parent yet that has wished they hadn't put their child in the school.

I mentioned in my last post about the picture on Ally's myspace, the one with her boyfriend kissing her. Just to clarify, it wasn't this big, tongue shoved down the throat kiss. It was just a kiss on the lips but still, I wasn't cool with it. See, Ally's boyfriend is 2 years older than her. She's never dated a boy older than her. His younger sister was on Ally's lacrosse team and Ally caught his eye when he came to one of the games. I know his parents who are good people. He's been wanting Ally to come to his house and my answer has been hell to the no. So I decided to see how badly he really wanted to see her and I said that he could come over on Friday, thinking that he wouldn't but damned if he didn't and he stayed all day. He even stayed and met my father and my sister who came over for dinner.

He's still wanting Ally to come to his house and my answer is still hell to the no. I'm just not ready for that and honestly, Ally isn't either.

Next week I'm going to Ocean City with my MIL and SIL and her kids. Yes, you read that correctly. I will be spending an entire week with my SIL and her children. The only reason I'm going is because my MIL really wants me and the kids to go. She's feeling really good now, fully recovered from surgery and after all she's been through, I just couldn't say no. And I wasn't about to send her down to the beach with all my kids alone, that is too much, especially with my SIL and her kids who are a lot of work.

God help me. I will need it. Will it look bad if I sneak in the bathroom for a shot of something alcoholic? Cuz I'm gonna have to sneak it, I can't be drinking devil water in front of my SIL you know.

Tomorrow morning I will be heading back to my training class, you know the one where I have to get up at 4:15am. I slept so good last night after having gone to the gym yesterday, it's amazing. And it made me feel good to have everyone glad to see me.

I won't even go into detail about me eating. I just haven't wanted to be bothered with having to watch every single thing that I eat. And I've been doing my fair share of bingeing too which I hate more than anything. I truly believe that if I could just eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm comfortably satisfied and stay active, my weight would just level off. Basically, I believe in my heart that intuitive eating is the most natural way to eat but I'm scared to trust myself enough.

It's going to be a very hot and humid day today. I'm hoping to be done work by noon and then maybe I'll take the kids to the pool for the afternoon. Trev has soccer camp tonight and Abby has Brownies. I'm glad they both have something to do, all 3 kids have been at loose ends since school has been out. I have a feeling that I should've scheduled more camps this summer like I did last summer. I just felt like the summer went so fast that way.

I'm going to really sit down and plan some day trips for us and a couple of long weekends, that way they have something to look forward to. I need something to look forward to as well.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post some pictures of Ally from her formal. I also have one of me, Trev and Abby at lacrosse. That way you can put faces to the names you hear all the time.

Things That I Hate Right Now

• Listening to my SIL go on and on about having to return the new shorts she bought because the size 12's were just too big
• Getting on myspace to check my daughter's page and finding a picture of her boyfriend kissing her
• Realizing the picture was taken here in my very own living room
• Spending 3 freaking hours in a movie theater watching the new Pirates movie and leaving confused as ever
• Having a grumpy ass husband
• Having loads of laundry that has sat in baskets and is now incredibly wrinkled
• And last but not least, knowing that I have to drag my butt back to the gym tomorrow after having not been there for a week which is the longest I've gone without exercise since I started in March

I'm done bitching now.

Sorry.

Today

Dear Mom,

It's been 4 years today.

I often wonder how much of my life you are able to see now. Have you watched me stumble? Watched me cry? Can you hear me when I talk to you?

I have lived in the past more than I should since you've been gone. The regrets have nearly driven me crazy. I know it's not healthy. I just don't know how to completely move on without feeling like I'm leaving you behind. And maybe I don't feel like I deserve to move on, to forgive myself.

I know that you would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest. I know you would want me to push past my fears, my insecurities and be open to all the possibilities out there. I know that is something you'd wished you'd done and every time I do push past my fear, I think of you.

I hope you know that the kids miss you and we talk about you all the time. They like to chew winterfresh gum because that's the kind you always gave them. They like to wear cherry chapstick because you always used that kind. They haven't forgotten you.

I hope you know that when I've been at my lowest points, I think of you and how hard you fought, how giving up was never an option. That's how I know that I can get through because I learned from you how to keep going, even when you don't want to, even when it's hard.

I miss you every single day.

I wish you were here but I understand why you're not.

Thank you for your strength, for loving my children and for your devotion to me and my family. Thank you for fighting as hard as you did, I know you weren't ready to go and would've stayed if you could have. Thank you for loving me, even when I was a hateful teenager, even when I was always in trouble. Thank you for being my support and helping me when the kids were babies. Thank you for showing me what is most important.

Love,

Ty

Ugh

I am sick.

I feel like I'm swallowing razor blades.

I ache.

I am so damn tired.

What a lovely way to start the summer.

Oh Well

School is officially over. How long do you think it will be before I'm wishing it were back in?

The kids got out early so I decided to take them to the pool. I'm not feeling well, fighting a sore throat but I felt that taking them to the pool would give me more peace than staying home.

Things were going well until some other kids, all girls, show up. Kids that my kids know. Two of them are actually part of the family we went to the Outer Banks with last year.

It's amazing how close you can be with people and how quickly that can change. Not that we spent all our spare time with them or anything. But we were good enough friends that we went on vacation with them.

But now I guess, Junior and I are no longer worthy of being their good friends anymore.

Basically when our lives got busy with Trev being sick and my MIL being ill and in the hospital twice, we didn't have that much spare time. When we were able to just be, we chose to stay home and do nothing. We didn't invite them over to dinner or anything. But we didn't invite anyone over.

They are the kind of people that you have to pay a lot of attention to and if you don't, they take it personally and pretty much write you off. It's not like we were just ignoring them, we just had so much going on that we had very little to give of ourselves. And it wasn't like they didn't know what was going on either because our kids play sports together and we would fill them in.

We decided that if we would not ask them to go to the Outer Banks with us this year, for several reasons. And they apparently didn't want to go with us either. Which is all good.

But today was so awkward. They show up, she goes down and sits at the other end of the pool. We spoke but it was just weird. Of course the girls started pestering Trev and his friend, which I knew was going to happen. Trev and his friend are real cuties and those girls just would not leave them alone.

We decided to leave after awhile and I decided I would stop and talk with Chris, I mean, I wasn't going to just walk past as I left. And of course she had to start talking about how they've been coming to the wharf with "other friends" and just had drinks by the river(the pool is located at a wharf/marina that has an outdoor bar area as well on the river). I swear we can't have a conversation without her telling me how they've done this and that with "other friends". Does she feel the need to seem popular? Or is she trying to make a point that we aren't a part of the friends category?

Either way, it totally gets on my nerves and I have a feeling that I will be putting up with it all summer.

Dammit.

Back For A Minute

We made it back from Ocean City, tired, sunburned and sad the weekend is over.

I won't be online much for the next few days. I'm going to be busy with end of the school year stuff.

Trev has his end of the year party tomorrow and I'm so pissed with his teacher that I don't want to go. But I'm gonna go because it's important to him. I'm just so tired of how she treats him, embarassing him in front of the class about his grades. Can you believe she told him in front of the entire class that he had the worst grade out of everyone on a test? Does she think shaming him will motivate him?

I just don't understand how she can do that to him. No wonder he feels stupid. It kills me that he's been made to feel that way. I'm going to tell her how I feel about all of this, I'm just waiting until the last day of school because if it's one thing I've learned, your kids will have repercussions if you say too much.

It's just so sad because he is failing and the school is just letting it happen. It's all my fault, something that I'm not doing. After looking at his grades from the 4th marking period, I feel I have no choice but to put him the private school geared for children with learning disabilities. I fear if I don't, he will be one of those kids that quits school out of frustration.

Please send us positive thoughts, we really need them.

See Ya In A Few

Tomorrow I leave for Ocean City.

I plan on visiting the boardwalk, mainly so I can go to Candy Kitchen because their store on the boardwalk is the only place I can get their chocolate covered strawberries. Talk about delicious, I almost moan when I eat them.

I plan on spending too much money because you can't visit Ocean City without doing so. It's a money pit. But I'm not gonna worry about that.

Be back in a few days!

Breaking News

Wow.

Ally's school has been evacuated due to a bomb threat.

Update:

Everything is fine which I was 99% sure it would be. I think someone just wanted to cause some trouble today or get out of a test.

Doing It Anyway

I'm having one of those weeks where I'm confused as to what day it is. I've been one day ahead of myself which makes it feel like the week is just dragging by.

Not much is going on.

I didn't go to exercise class this morning. I remember turning the alarm off and I remember thinking I'll just lay here for a minute. Next thing I know, Junior is waking me up because he's leaving for work. I fell back to sleep again and woke up when I heard the kids moving around upstairs.

Today Trev is watching "The Movie" at school. You know the one that talks about all the changes in your body with puberty.

Abby went to Brownies last night, we hadn't been for almost 2 months because of dance and lacrosse. Being there I realized how much I had been missing out on. I felt so out of touch with everyone.

Seems to be a common theme in my life lately.

It's amazing how even though I know what depression is, what it looks like, what it feels like, I didn't realize it until I was deep in the pit.

Why didn't I see how I was cutting myself off from others? How I was stopping being involved in things?

Depression is one of those things that can sneak in under the radar and slowly takes over.

The one thing I'm doing wrong is comparing myself to others. Last night I sat and watched all the other moms talking with each other, interacting with the kids. They looked happy, normal. They made it look easy. So then I start feeling sorry for myself which isn't doing me any freaking good. I was able to recognize what I was doing and stop myself. I forced myself to talk with everyone, I jumped in and started helping with the crafts.

If it's one thing I've figured out, sitting around feeling sorry for myself, comparing my life to others is only going to make everything worse.

I have this one "friend", I use that term loosely. She has recently lost 40 pounds, she looks great. But if I hear one more time how easy it's been for her to lose that weight, I'm gonna rip her face off. I have lost quite a bit of weight and it's never been easy, not one single pound. If I hear one more time about how wonderful her life is, I'm gonna explode. It's not that I don't want her to be happy, thin with a great life. I just can't stand feeling like she's always trying to beat me down by saying, hey, look at me, my life is way better than yours, don't you wish you were me?! Needless to say, I don't hang around her much.

I don't understand that kind of mentality where you have to bring other people down so that you feel better. And I don't want to be around people like that.

Do you know anyone like that?

Mondays

When I'm depressed I have a very hard time with Mondays. I know, who doesn't have a problem with Mondays but this is different.

I start Sunday evening with feelings of anxiousness. I don't want to go to work because I have to be around people which means I have to act "normal". When I answer the phone I have to be friendly, engage in small talk whichi is very hard when I'm in a funk.

I also don't want my kids to go to school. I don't want to let them go. I know that may sound weird, I mean I'm in a funk, I should want them out of my hair. But I like for them to be home where they are safe.

I start obsessing over all the little things, I get this knot in my stomach.

But I know that the best thing to do is to keep things as normal as possible. Routine is good for me.

I went to exercise class and my trainer took my measurements which haven't been taken since March. I lost 4 inches off my hips, 3 off my waist, 2 off my thighs, quarter of an inch off my calves, half an inch off my biceps and half an inch off my bust. Pretty cool, huh? I have lost 6.5 pounds too.

I got the kids to school and now I'm at work. It's time for billing which means I'm busy and I'm glad for that.

Trev has a lacrosse tournament this weekend in Ocean City. So I have something fun to look forward to. There are several families staying at the same hotel as we are, the kids should have a blast.

I took Ally shopping yesterday and we got her dress for her 8th grade formal. All I can say is, wow. I'll post pics.

I'm just living life, taking it one day at a time. I have my bad moments but I keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ramblings From the Bottom of A Margarita Glass

Here I sit with a margarita and a lot on my mind.

I'm not even sure if I can put it all into words and have it make sense.

I wish I was happier with my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am even capable of being happy. Not because I'm ungrateful or because I'm one of those that thinks the grass is always greener on the other side.

I can't let myself be truly happy. I live every single day waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's no wonder I am depressed.

But I don't know how to not be this way. For as long as I can remember I've been on edge, never trusting anyone, even myself.

I live my life in fear. I have for so long, I don't remember ever feeling secure. Ever.

I've tried so hard to give my children security, stability. I know it's near to impossible to be a perfect mother. But God I hope that my children don't grow up with the issues that I have. That's what has fueled many decisions I've made since becoming a mother.

You may be thinking that I had this horrible childhood. I wasn't abused. I guess it would be more a matter of neglect. As a young child all my material and physical needs were met, but emotionally there was nothing. I don't remember being held, cuddled. I was never told I was special or that I was loved. Mom tried her best but she grew up in a home completely lacking in that area as well. My father didn't even try, I was more a pain in the ass, a burden. After dad left, my material and physical needs were barely met. I spent many years eating one meal a day because that was all we could afford. I remember all the girls that had closets full of clothes, all name brand stuff and I had one pair of jeans with holes in the thighs.

I swore my children would never go without. And they haven't.

I swore my children would never doubt that they were loved, that they were treasured. I can't imagine not telling my kids that I love them. But I have never, ever heard that from my father. Not once. And my mom didn't say it much, maybe once a year though I never doubted her love like I always have my father's.

So even though I work so hard to give my children all that I lacked, I do it at the expense of helping myself. Of course, I haven't a clue how to help myself. But I guess that's not really the point.

And now that I've reached the bottom of my margarita, my point is becoming foggier.

Sorry about that.

I hate that I'm such a fucked up mess. Sometimes I just don't know what God was thinking by making me a mother.

I hate that as much as I love my husband, I hold a part of myself apart from him. I can't do it. I know that it bothers him because he tries so hard, he really does.

Maybe I should consider therapy?

This and That

Today is my day to do errands which pretty much translates to spending my entire paycheck on groceries that will get eaten up by Sunday because the kids are home all weekend.

I only live 30 minutes from Dover, DE so I shop there regularly. It's tax free. I had planned on going to Target, the nice Acme they have there, maybe even tackle Hellmart.

But Dover is home to the Monster Mile. And Dover is not that big so most of the stores that surround the track rent out their parking for all the race fans. All week I've watched the fans with their campers go by, I've seen several of the race car haulers which is always pretty cool. There are people that camp there all week, it's like one big party.

And I am so not in the mood for the crowds, no parking. So I'm gonna shop here in good ole Maryland today.

I haven't mentioned that I've had all 3 kids home at one point or another this week with pink eye. Thanks to my SIL bringing her daughter to a family picnic on Sunday who had just started with pink eye that morning. It wasn't that big a deal for Trev and Abby to miss school but Ally is having exams now plus she wears contacts because God forbid her friends see her in glasses. The horror! And she's blind as a bat like me. She's refusing to wear her glasses unless she has no other choice.

Teenagers.

I'm starting to feel half way human. I haven't been back on my medication long enough really for that to be the sole reason that I'm feeling better. I think it's just knowing that I'm doing something about it. And now that our lives are starting to slow down a bit with lacrosse coming to an end and school getting close to being over, I'm trying to make the effort to slow down too.

This is just a rough time of year for me. It's been almost 4 years since Mom died and I still get down starting on my birthday. God I miss her.

But I will get through this.