Pity Party

Warning: Major Whine Ahead

I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now.

I can't come up with one particular reason.

I just am.

Maybe it's because I'm coming off of a very busy week.

I mentioned on my weigh in post that I went to my father's yesterday. I knew that if I did not go, the guilt would have made me just as miserable as going. So I went. It wasn't horrible, just awkward which is to be expected. I don't know when it's ever really been comfortable. I do sense a difference in my father, almost like he's got something he wants to say. I don't know. Could it be that he might actually want more of a relationship with us? Maybe. The sad thing is I doubt he'll ever step out and put himself out there like that. And neither will I. I don't think he's been feeling very well and it's just weird how I didn't know that until yesterday. But then he didn't know that Trev had a tonsillectomy until yesterday. It's like we're distant relatives or something.

It just makes me sad.

Mother's Day is right around the corner so I know that has something to do with it. This is still a hard time for me.

I'm worried about Trev. The more I go over my conference with his teacher, the more I am concerned about his future. My MIL said she would pay half of the tuition to the private school we have here that is specifically for kids with learning disabilities. I couldn't believe that she offered to do that. I guess she is worried too.

I'm also worried about his health. Now that we're getting closer to his appointment with the specialist, the more worried I become.

And because I'm worried, I miss Mom even more. I feel so alone. Which is crazy because I'm not alone but I have felt that way ever since she died.

I think I'm also feeling sorry for myself regarding the getting healthy stuff. I worked damn hard this last week, I mean I kept track of every single thing that passed my lips. I exercised hard. So I earned every single ounce I lost. And I find myself wondering will I have to work this hard forever. I'm thinking too far ahead. I'm looking at the big picture rather than just taking it one day at a time. It's easy to get overwhelmed, especially when you have a lot to lose.

Basically I've got a serious case of the poor me's going on. I hate it. I don't like to be a whiney baby because who said that life would always be easy, right? It's just that sometimes I feel like it's always going to be hard.

Ok, pity party over now.

Monday Weigh In #2

Monday Weigh In #2 - 3 pounds lost

After really sticking with it, I have lost 3 pounds. I've been faithfully counting my points and did not use any of my extra points until yesterday. And I only did that because I was at a picnic at my father's and well, I ate from stress.

But that's for another post.

I exercised 4 days last week. Wednesday I didn't make it to the gym because of Abby's zoo field trip but I did walk the zoo all day so at least I wasn't just sitting on my ass.

I managed to eat home all week, it took some planning but I did it. I also chose not to eat at McDonald's Saturday night. I could have because I had the points to do so but I just didn't want to. Not this time.

I found myself feeling disappointment with just a loss of 3 pounds. I know, how stupid. 3 pounds lost is 3 pounds lost! But I was watching Celebrity Fit Club last night (which I have never watched before) and these people lost like 9-15 pounds. Granted I don't know if that is a weekly weigh in or what. But still, that's a lot! I also know that the slower you lose, the more permanent that loss is. So, I need to just shut up, pat myself on the back and keep going.

Beautiful

Saturday Goings On

I have a little bit before I have to get Abby ready for her recital. We've been on the go since 8am with lacrosse games.

I know I've mentioned before that Ally had some problems a few months back with 3 girls to the point that I had to contact the police. Things have calmed down, the 3 girls have actually been wanting to be friendly with Ally. These 3 girls have some kind of problem or maybe they just need to get a life. Whatever the case, they have now turned their sights on another girl, Q, who happens to be Ally's very close friend.

One of the girls also happens to take dance classes at the same studio as Abby. Which means this girl is going to be in tonight's recital. And apparently this girl is having the other 2 troublemakers come to see her perform.

And guess who Ally is taking tonight to the recital? Q, of course.

All I know is there'd better not be any bullshit tonight. I've had it with these girls and their drama. Ally and Q don't want anything to do with those girls and they just won't leave them alone. Maybe that's why the girls just won't let it go. I don't know but I'm freakin' tired of it.

I'll be back to post pictures of Abby tomorrow.

Slowing Down

I somehow managed to get everything done yesterday. Book reports are being turned in today so now I can breathe until it's time to do next month's.

Abby had dance rehearsal last night. It felt nice to be able to just sit and chat with the other moms. Tonight is dress rehearsal so it won't be as relaxing. I enjoy dance nights though, it's much more laid back than sports so I don't feel as frazzled.

My house is in terrible shape though. With all that had to be done this week, the house was put on the back burner. And boy can you tell.

I'm making my lists so I don't forget anything for the recital. I'm making a grocery list, I guess I'll go to Hellmart, I mean, Walmart. It's been awhile since I've gone and I need to stock up.

The worst thing is it's raining and gloomy. A perfect day to stay home curled up with a good book. I hate getting groceries in the rain.

I have managed to stay on plan with my eating everday this week so far. Of course, today has just begun so I'd better not say too much. I feel like sometimes I no sooner say how well I'm doing, then I'm doing horribly. Why is that? The real test will be this weekend. I usually blow it on the weekends which is why I made Monday my weigh in day.

I have wanted to binge daily this week. It's been so hard not to give into that. I think for me stopping the binges is more important than losing weight. I'm so tired of using food in that way. The toll it takes on my body when I binge is just not a good thing.

I think we may be getting a new trainer for our class. He was there with our present trainer, Danny. I'm hoping he was just nervous because he seemed very flat and awkward.

Has anyone seen the footage of President Bush cuttin' a rug with this reggae type band? Every time I see it, I just laugh. He's really getting into it and it's just funny to see him acting that way.

Well, I'd better get my ass moving if I want to get anything accomplished today. The bed is looking really tempting right now.....
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I wussed out and went to Target and then Acme. I just couldn't go to Walmart.

I don't even know why I bothered to do my hair either. It's raining and I couldn't find my umbrella.

I think my sister is upset with me. She's always accusing me of never spending any time with her and I don't spend time with her. It's not something that I consciously do, it just seems like our schedules never make it easy to do. And the last time she could've spent some time with me, she cancelled. But it's still my fault. She is going camping this weekend and missing Abby's recital even though she knew months ago the recital date and she also knew that this year is a big year for Abby, she's getting her 5 year trophy. And she never comes to a single sport event for any of the kids, ever. Even though I used to go to just about all of her son's events and my kids were babies and toddlers then. But I have never once made a federal case of it because that's life.

And this Sunday is that stupid birthday party for my father's dog. Obviously my sister will not be going and I'm struggling with feelings of guilt because I don't know if we were the only ones invited and if we don't go, then, well, they won't be having a party. I don't know why I even feel guilty because they don't worry about our feelings. At all.

Grrr....family.

Busy Busy Busy

Just wanted to stop by real quick.

Busy at work. But the taxes are paid and insurances are paid. Now it's time to pay the employees, which includes me.

Happy to report Trev and I completed his book project. It might not be done to meet his teacher's standards but he was very happy with it and actually enjoyed doing it. He basically had to write a small book and he chose to write it about our family. We also completed most of his book report and we'll finish that up today. Abby and I will be finishing her book report as well tonight before we head off to dance rehearsal.

So, I'm busy but getting things done.

I'm going to grab lunch and stroll around some blogs. If I'm not back until tomorrow, you know why.

Stressed

I'm back from the Baltimore Zoo. The weather held out, it even ended up being warmer than expected. I wasn't able to take my digital camera though, the battery was near dead thanks to Ally who likes to take a million pictures of herself. I took the regular ol' 35mm instead so I have no idea what the pictures will turn out like which drives me nuts!

Trev has an appointment with a pediatric endocrinologist at University of Maryland on May 7th. I can't tell you how great the office staff was there compared to the other place.

Trev has so much work to do this week and I just don't know how we're going to get it all done. I feel like his teacher thinks we don't have a life. And I just don't know how to help him. He is completely fed up with her. He feels nothing he does is good enough, why bother. And I understand his frustration because I feel frustrated. She's turning the science fair project into something so damn hard, I don't even want to do it. And like Ally said, science fair projects aren't even that hard in middle school. Sometimes I feel like he's being set up to fail. I mean, it's no wonder he's given up.

I have to admit that I'm getting more and more pissed off about it. And I just don't know what I can really do to help him or change it. Which only makes me angrier.

Right now I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I've got a ton of things to do at work, some of which I don't really know how to do but I have to because my MIL is not even close to being able to come back to work. Tomorrow and Friday Abby has dance rehearsals. Throw in all the homework and projects that are due by Friday for both Abby and Trev.

I'm just having one of those moments where I'm looking at all that needs to be done and feeling like it's near to impossible to get it all done. But I'll make it through somehow. I always do.

On a positive note, I made it through yesterday staying on plan with my eating. I'm really struggling right now only because I'm stressed feeling and I'm recogizing that. I want to turn to food like I always do. I just keep telling myself that a binge won't fix anything.

I guess I'd better get these kids moving on all the work we need to get done.
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It's amazing how a brief conversation with my FIL can push my stress meter from excessive to completely off the chart.

He's whigging out over all this stuff that I need to do tomorrow. I have to pay taxes, print off reports and call in tax payments which I've never done before. So I'm already concerned about it but I do have an idea of what to do because I do payroll tax reports and payments all the time. I also know that I have bills to pay and on top of all that, tomorrow is payroll day.

I plan on being in there bright and early and I will stay until I get it all done. And honestly, I will get it all done.

What it really comes down to is I didn't work today and he's not happy about that. He's stressed out because Jean, his wife, my MIL, is exhausted and can't do much. And just like before, he expects her to be better than she is. Which means he will be awful to work with and be around until she's better.

And if he thinks I was going to cancel out on Abby's field trip, he's freaking lost his mind.

Another Boring Post

My MIL is home now, exhausted but doing pretty good. Hopefully my FIL will leave her be and just let her rest and heal. When she was ill back in September, he was a complete basket case and he nearly drove her nuts. He wanted her to be well right away and could not understand why it was taking her so long. I hope that he keeps in mind that she had heart surgery only a week ago, it's going to take some time.

I'm in the process of trying to get Trev an appointment with a pediatric endocrinologist at University of Maryland.

I'm also in the process of getting him some private tutoring through a private school here. This school is for kids with learning disabilities and people come from far and wide to bring their kids there. It's super expensive but I've heard nothing but good things about the school. I'm hoping if I can get him some tutoring, even do it through the summer rather than send him to summer school, I can get him ready for middle school. If he does really well with the tutoring, I'll keep him in it for the long haul.

Ally came home early from school yesterday, she's had some serious stomach aches since Saturday. She actually threw up a couple of times on Saturday. I don't think it's the flu, I think it's her nerves with all the crap that happened with that jerk. But today she went back to school, no complaints.

Oh and we found out that the one girl that gave Ally such a hard time a few months back, the girl that actually goes to school with Ally, got her ass beat at the youth dance Friday night. I guess she messed with the wrong girl. Ally said she looked awful yesterday, her face was all red and swollen. I don't even feel sorry for the girl either. All 3 of those girls run their mouths so much, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Abby's big spring recital is this weekend. We have rehearsals Thursday and Friday nights. And this year she gets a trophy since it's her 5th year. It's always an exciting time anyway. Her ballet costume is beautiful and every year, I always get choked up during the ballet routine. I don't know why.

Tomorrow I'm going with Abby on a field trip to the Baltimore Zoo. That will make 4 trips to Baltimore in the past week for me.

Yesterday I stayed completely on plan with my eating. I'm trying for another good day today. One day at a time.

I didn't get up early and go to the gym today. I will go this afternoon. Today is just my cardio day anyway. Last week I went early everyday and I have to say, I think that is the way to go for me. I get it done and out of the way, come home and get my shower and I'm ready for my day. I won't be able to go to my training class tomorrow because we are leaving for the zoo at 8am, I won't have enough time to take class, get home and get ready.

That pretty much sums up my life right now. Nothing exciting which really isn't a bad thing. Sometimes boring is good.
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I just had one of the Lean Cuisine paninis for lunch. It was really good. The bread is toasted, not all chewy like it usually is when cooked in the microwave. I'm glad I tried it!
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Wow, as good as the panini was, it's one of those foods that keeps coming back on you.

Not good when working out.

I think I will be working out in the morning from now on. I ate lunch 11:30 and didn't work out until 1:30. I guess I'm used to exercising on an empty stomach because I was uncomfortable the entire time.

Off to start homework. What fun.

Monday Weigh In #1

I've decided to start weighing in weekly. I have mixed feelings about it only because I don't want to put too much importance in what the scale says. I know that as a woman I will have weight fluctuations depending on the time of the month and that is something I need to keep in mind.

I've picked Monday as my weigh in day as a way to keep myself on track over the weekend. I have a tendency to do well during the week and completely blow it over the weekend which is stupid if you really think about it.

I know that I've had a lot going on lately but life is full of stress, hard situations and I don't see my life slowing down anytime soon. I need to learn how to take care of myself in spite of all that.

I have become someone that has made the commitment to exercise and I've actually come to like it. I look forward to it. I feel good after I exercise because I know that I've done something that is good for me and it's a great stress reliever.

It's silly that I'm doing all this hard work with exercise and I'm not eating right. I'm undoing the good that way. I guess I could be accused of self sabotage and even though I want to get to the root of why I do half the crap I do, I want to be taking care of myself while I do.

After writing the post about Ally and my frustrations with her and how she has a tendency to do things half ass, I realized that's how I approach trying to get healthy. Half ass. So how can I be all over her when I do it?

Maybe I'm afraid of failing. Maybe I'm just lazy. Whatever the case, it's time to get a grip and do what I need to do.

I'll weigh in every Monday and will post my results here.

Monday Weigh In #1 - 0 pounds lost/gained

Falling Short

All my life I've felt like I am falling short of something. It's hard for me to explain.

Maybe it comes from always comparing myself, my life to someone else. I seem to fall short. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle to happiness or contentment or whatever.

Granted most people don't air their troubles, their problems to just anyone. Just because someone looks like they have it all together or looks to be amazingly happy, doesn't mean that's the case.

I feel this way about getting down to my goal weight. I look at others that have achieved it or are on the road to achieving it and I feel like I'm missing the mark. I'm missing something, I don't even know what it could be. All I know is I feel like I'm missing it.

And because I feel this way, I don't really believe that I can achieve it. I mean, isn't that what it comes down to?

I don't remember ever not feeling this way. Even as a child I felt like I was missing something. And I don't know how to not feel this way.

Is it just a matter of continuing to plug along? Is it really something that simple? Probably. I'm known for making things more complicated than they need to be.

Or is the thing I'm missing a love for myself? Because isn't that the key to happiness, to reaching your goals whatever they are?

Do you ever feel like you fall short?

Weekend

I think yesterday was the first full day I've missed since I started this blog.

It's been one of those weekends.

Abby and I left at 8am for lacrosse, got caught in traffic and just made it to her first game. I hate being late. But Abby scored her very first goal, she was so excited and proud of herself. I was yelling and cheering like a crazy woman.

Ally showed up later on, her game wasn't until 12. Ally had been with her friend, Q, for two days and Q's mom told me that Ally had had some kind of episode with her (Ally's) boyfriend the night before. I was like ok, I decided to just wait and let Ally tell me when she was ready.

And I have to say that Ally played awesome in her game, she even scored a goal. That girl was running like I haven't seen her run in forever.

Junior and Trev showed up and got to watch most of Ally's game. Afterwards we were all starving so we headed to lunch. The girls rode with me and we weren't in the van 5 minutes and Ally started crying.

Her boyfriend,H, had broken up with her. He had gone to the youth dance Friday night, danced with some girl, decided he liked her too,told Ally he didn't know who he wanted to choose. Blah, blah, blah.

Basically he was keeping her on a string, just in case the other girl didn't like him back.

He then broke up with Ally yesterday morning. Right before her game.

She was devastated. This was the first boy she really liked I think and he broke her heart.

So we talked for awhile in the parking lot of Applebee's. I sent the rest of the family inside so she could get herself together. I told her that she was worth more than being someone's 2nd choice anyway so it was good that they'd broken up. She's no one's 2nd best and she had to decide right then that she wasn't going to let him jerk her around.

As of right now he has not asked her back out yet but I'm sure tomorrow at school, once he sees her he'll realize his stupidity and want her back. And I told her she's a fool if she takes him back that easily.

Yesterday she was sad, today she's just pissed. And pissed is good because now she's got her head on straight, her emotions aren't all over the place.

I think the worst thing isn't even that he has been such an asshole, it's that the girls she had all those problems with a few months back, totally had something to do with it. And she knows it.

So that was yesterday.

Today is Abby's 9th birthday. I cannot believe my baby is 9, where has the time gone?

We got up fairly early to take the kids over to see my MIL. She's still in the hospital but she's coming home tomorrow. We visited with her for awhile, ate lunch with my FIL and then we headed to the mall. Abby had some birthday money to spend and I needed to get her some new tennis shoes.

I need to get new tennis shoes. I wore the ones I use to work out today and my feet are killing me so it's time for me to shop around for a good pair.

I also needed to get her some shorts since nothing fits her from last year. It's supposed to be at least 80 degrees tomorrow, woo hoo!! So the girl needed something to wear.

The weather has been wonderful all weekend. Sunny and warm. I am so ready for it to stay that way. Of course I'll be complaining when the humidity starts.

After the mall, we took her to dinner at a restaraunt of her choice which ended up being a really nice place, not just McDonald's. I ate like a freaking pig and I feel like shit.

I'm going to have to work out extra hard tomorrow.

Now I'm home, too full to feel like doing anything but sit on my ass and read blogs.

How Much Is Too Much?

I've pondering something lately and since I have the time right now, I decided to go ahead and put it out there.

I think if you've read my blog, it's very clear that I have issues. Trust issues, self esteem issues, body image issues. That's only naming a few.

I worry all the time that I'm putting my issues on my children.

Growing up I was never encouraged to try things, like a sport or a hobby. If I decided to try something, I was never encouraged to do my best or to keep trying if it was hard.

I was never told that I had potential.

Ever.

When I had kids, I swore that I would make sure they had the whole world open to them. If they wanted to try a sport, go for it. Want to ride horses, let's get you signed up. How do you know what you might like if you never try?

My only requirement is if you join a team, you finish out the season. If you don't like it, you don't have to play again next season but you do have to finish your commitment.

I also encourage my kids to give it their all, whatever they are doing.

Ally, my oldest, has so much potential. She is one of those people that was born with the ability to just do things. She walked at 8.5 months old, by the age of 2 you could have conversations with her. She learned to read and write without a bit of struggle. She is a natural athlete and for years her nickname was Legs because she ran so fast on the soccer field.

Since she is my first child, I pretty much learn through her. It's unfortunate for her, that she's our guinea pig in learning to parent. But she is. That being said, she is my first teenager.

And she has become a total slacker.

And it's killing me.

She does just enough.

Like with her grades, she can totally get straight A's, she may have to work a little harder but she could do it. She did it for years. Now she gets A's and B's which are good grades, I know that but is she working to her full potential? Absolutely not. And I honestly feel that if she felt she could get by with all C's, she would because God forbid she has to work too hard.

She plays lacrosse and has for 4 years. So she knows the game. But for the last 2 years she hardly gets on the field. And a lot of that is her fault. She chooses to jog up the field when she should be sprinting. So the coaches yank her off and put the kids in that get out there and move it.

I don't expect perfection. My problem is dealing with the fact that she is not even trying to do anything to her full potential. She half asses her way through everything. She does just enough. And that is so frustrating to me.

Maybe because there were so many things I wanted to try and was never given the chance. Maybe because I was never encouraged when I was doing something for once. I never had anyone telling me you can do it, don't give up, keep trying.

And knowing that she could care less, pisses me off. She chose to play lacrosse again this year, I did not make her and she bitches before each practice. She bitches before each game and then she goes and sits on the bench because the coaches have a ton of other girls that want to play and get out there and give it their all.

I watch Trev who struggles so hard in school but you know, he never gives up. But then he's only 11, Ally was way more motivated at that age than she is now. He may change as well.

I think she just takes for granted her ability to do things easily. Since it's always been easy, she doesn't understand having to work hard at anything.

And I don't know how much I'm supposed to push her. I do know that if I completely were to back off she would do even less. If she thought that I wouldn't get on her for getting all C's, she'd do it. If she thought I'd let her just skip practices and games and just go when she felt like it, she would.

Her focus is her friends and her boyfriend. I know that is age appropriate. And this is another area where my issues come into play. I was all about boys, about being popular. I had no other focus, I had no other goals. I just wanted to be liked, to be acknowledged. I look to those external things to validate who I was as a person. I didn't think I could do anything else.

So, I try and help the kids find things they enjoy so they have other things to focus on. Like with Trev, he loves his sports and they are a huge confidence builder for him. Since he struggles in school, he needs to have something else he feels good about which is what sports does. With Abby, she also plays sports but she takes dance which she loves. She has also been in Girl Scouts for a couple of years but she wants to stop after this year. Now that we are getting chickens, she's asked to get involved with 4-H.

I don't know. I don't want to push Ally to the point of pushing her away. Right now she knows that I won't accept mediocre grades from her because I know she can do better and she knows she can do better than that. She also knows that her half ass way of playing lacrosse is what keeps her on the bench. She knows she could do better. And I can't expect the coaches to play her with that kind of attitude. But it really irritates me that she is ok with being that way. And I can't stand going to the games and watching everyone else play. I mean, I might as well not even come and sometimes, I swear that she wants me to get irritated enough that I say screw it and take her off the team. The coaches do have their favorite players and that's fine. But Ally not playing isn't about that and I know that.

But I'm not gonna. She chose to play again. I paid $85 for her to play, she's going to finish the season, even if it's on the bench.

What do you think? Should I push harder? Keep going as I am? How do I let my frustration go?
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The more I've thought about things this morning, I've realized that I'm worried that she has no drive, no real focus and I worry where that might take her. I'm spending too much time worrying she will be me all over again. Basically I'm putting my issues with myself onto her and that's not fair.

Just got back from parent/teacher conferences. Trev is not doing well at all in school. I knew he was really struggling, the work has gotten harder but I just did not realize how much he had just given up. That makes me so sad, he doesn't even try now. He feels that he can't do it so why bother.

I know he's tired of struggling. He has since day one.

I just don't know what to do. We've done private tutoring, he receives extra reading and math help in school. Nothing is reaching him now.

Like I told his teacher, it doesn't matter how many times I tell him he can do it, if he doesn't believe he can, he won't. How do you reach someone that just doesn't believe you?

I mean, I can have someone tell me over and over again that I am a good person, that I'm beautiful and if I don't believe you, there's not one thing you could do to make me believe you. I have to believe it myself.
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Well, I managed to run to Target and get Abby her birthday presents. She asked for anything Bratz dolls. Bratz dolls are totally hoochie but being the slacker mom that I am, I let her have them. It's just funny because I remember a day when I would've never waited this long to get birthday gifts. Back then I was on the ball, I even made my own decorated birthday cakes, had big parties.

Now I'm last minute with the gifts, decorated cakes come from the Acme and big parties are few and far between. I am considering letting her have a roller skating party or bowling party. They set up, feed them, hydrate them and clean up. All I have to do is show up and bring the cake.

Junior and Trev have gone to the high school varsity lacrosse game, they are playing our biggest rivals. Abby and I stayed home. Ally is staying the night with her friend again and will meet us at lacrosse tomorrow.

Speaking of lacrosse tomorrow, I need to get all the stuff organized. The girls have away games and we have to travel over an hour away. So if we forget stuff, we're screwed.

I've been feeling like someone has kicked me in the gut ever since Trev's conference. I hate that he's given up and I don't know how to help him. I hate that he doesn't even bother because he feels like it's useless to.

My MIL has not come home yet, it looks like it will be tomorrow.

Ok, I'm off to read or play solitaire or something cuz I've got a serious case of the blues.

No Title Cuz I'm Just Not In The Mood

I'm back to work today and it feels weird. The kids are home from school today and tomorrow due to parent/teacher conferences. Ally is not feeling well, it's her sinuses, again. But she's not too sick though because she wants to go to the movies tonight. She's not going because she has lacrosse practice. I can tell she's not happy about that but she never said a word, I'm sure she was expecting me to say no.

My MIL is doing even better today. Apparently she's been up and walking today with no assistance and if she keeps doing so well, she may come home tomorrow.

I went to the gym this morning. I overslept a little and didn't get there until 5:30am which was ok since I didn't have to worry about getting the kids to school. I never, ever thought I would actually like going to the gym early in the morning.

Honestly, I never thought I'd like going to the gym.

I've decided to swear off the news for awhile. I have to do that from time to time. Now that they are showing the pictures of the VA Tech shooter over and over again, the ones where he's pointing the guns and they keep playing all his ramblings, I just don't want to watch it anymore. Everytime I see those images, I think of all the parents, all the family members of those that were killed and how horrifying it must be to them to see all that. To have a glimpse of what their children, their loved ones faced.

Sometimes I just don't understand.
********************************************************************************************************************************** Ally has this wonderful way of making me feel so loved.

I get home and she immediately goes to her room.

Can't you just feel the love?
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Well, I've shipped Ally off to a friend's tonight. I have to be honest that it will be a more peaceful night and day tomorrow without her. She's so damn moody half the time.

Tonight was Abby's last dance class for this year. Next week we will be having rehearsals for her big spring concert on the 28th.

We got an invitation to a birthday part today.

For my dad's dog.

I found myself thinking WTF? You're having a party for your dog?

Then I started wondering if this was just their way of getting us together since we had such a nice visit last time. Then I started feeling guilty for being so nasty.

But it's really hard. Trev's birthday was on the 10th and they have not called. I'm not surprised though. Abby's birthday is this Sunday and they won't acknowledge it either.

Whatever.

Nothing New

Not much new to report. I guess I'll be heading to Baltimore again today. I can't go tomorrow, Thursdays are payroll, Abby has a lacrosse game which means she will have to miss dance.

At least today I will not go down a one way street.

I promise I won't.

I fell asleep on the sofa last night and totally missed Deadliest Catch, darn it! I love that show.

I was tired though and even with having to wake up at almost midnight to go get in my bed, I went right back to sleep. I think all this exercise is finally helping with my sleep problems. I haven't taken a sleeping pill in over 2 weeks and I'm sleeping through most of the time.

I went to training class this morning. The one woman I'm pretty friendly with won't be taking the class after next week which is kind of a bummer. But she's been doing the class for like 4 months now and just wants to change things up and she's tired of getting up so early.

I hear her on that but really, exercising early is a good thing for me. I get it done and out of the way. I even went early yesterday because I knew I was going to be gone all day and I may very well go early tomorrow.

I signed up for 3 months of the training class and I don't know whether I'll sign up for 3 more or try and do it on my own. Part of me worries that I'll slack off and won't do as well without the commitment of the class. But I also don't want to shell out that kind of money all the time either. Decisions, decisions.

I'm off to find some breakfast before we head to the city. Wish me luck.
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Today's trip to Baltimore was uneventful. Thank God. My MIL is doing very well and if she continues doing so well she should be home by Saturday.

Trev did not have a good day at school today. He had to miss recess in order to write a thank you note to the Franklin Institute for Monday's field trip. That he did not attend. And his teacher really got on him for not completing the huge, freaking homework packet she sent home midweek last week even though I told her on the phone that he was having a hard time and sleeping a lot so I did not think he would get it all done. She told me that was fine.

I'm going to be honest here and admit that I hate homework. Trev hates homework, mostly because he struggles and doesn't understand most of it. I'm not a teacher and I suck at math. I always make my kids do their homework though and I try to help them on things they may not understand but if I can't help them and they don't know, well, the work will be done to the best of our ability.

I'm also going to be honest and admit that I totally forgot with all the events of the last 2 weeks that Trev had to turn in his topic and hypothesis for his science fair project today. So he got in trouble for that as well.

Friday is parent/teacher conferences for Trev and Abby. I'm dreading both. Abby's won't be so bad, I know the teacher pretty well but Trev's probably won't be the best. I think Mrs. G thinks I'm a bit of a slacker mom and maybe I am.

If not doing my kid's homework for him makes me a slacker mom, so be it. I will help him but I won't do it for him. I'd rather he get it all wrong that way she can see he needs help rather than me do it and she would have no idea that he is struggling.

If forgetting the due dates for work makes me a slacker mom, so be it. I'm usually pretty good about keeping dates straight, neither Trev or Abby have ever had a late book report. I always turn in forms on time and I always sign papers and return them promptly. This one time I just forgot. The sheet with the due dates for the science fair project was sent home the last day of school before spring break and I just set it aside without completely reading it.

So I will go to conferences and probably receive a reprimand as well.

I plan on having a bottle of wine chilled and waiting for me Friday night. Want to come join me?

Gone For the Day

Getting ready to leave to go see my MIL. Will be traveling into the city of Baltimore which is never fun for a country girl like myself.

Trev is back to school today. It feels weird not to have him here with me.

I'll check back later with an update.
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Today was quite an adventure.

First, Junior said he knew how to get to Baltimore. I have been with that man for 15 years and why I believed him I don't know. He does that crap all the time and of course, we took the wrong exit onto 6-95. Which then caused me to freak because then we had to find our way back to get on the right exit. But the Lord was looking out for Junior and we were able to find our way back fairly easy cuz I was about to lose it on him in a big way.

I'm a country girl, born and raised. We don't have highways with tons of different exits and if you do exit wrong, it's super simple to just turn around.

And I watch the news which is based out of Baltimore and all you here is about the crime there. So I want to know exactly how to get there so we don't take a wrong turn and end up in the wrong part of town.

But we made it to the city all in one piece.

The University of Maryland Hospital is HUGE. Our local hospital is only 3 floors with 2 elevators. University has a bank and restaraunts and I don't even know how many floors. I learned that is where Shock Trauma is located, I had always thought it was located at John Hopkins.

My MIL looked good, in pain but good. She was taken off the ventilator early in the morning. While we were there she was taken out of ICU and put in a regular room in the cardiac unit.

We stayed until 1:30 or so.

Then the big part of our adventure took place.

When I left the parking garage, I turned the wrong way.

Into traffic.

INTO TRAFFIC!

In The City!

I thought I was going to die.

At least I was right out front of a great hospital.

And there was this wonderful University policeman who stopped traffic, yes he had to stop traffic so I could turn my ass around. He was totally great about it and told me that if I needed directions that I could just pull over and he would help us.

I have a feeling I'm not the first country bumpkin that has done that.

I could not wait to get out of that city.

But at least now I know how to get to Baltimore. I know where to park and I know all about one way streets.

I swear if I had some kind of alcohol in this house I would so be drinking some.

Blustery Day

The wind is here. I can't stand to look out my windows because the trees are swaying so badly. With all the standing water, swaying trees aren't a good thing.

School is late, I guess due to the weather.

I went to the gym this morning for my training class and the electric was out there so I had to come home.

And apparently the wind is going to get worse by later today. So I may lose power as well.

My MIL is at University of Maryland right now having heart surgery. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I have to remember to take her dog to the kennel today. I was going to do it later but if they are calling for the weather to worsen, I may do it this morning.

Today is Trev's last day home with me. I'm kind of ready to have things go back to normal but it has been nice being home.

I'm off to take the kids to school. Maybe I'll have something blogworthy to post later.

I doubt it though.
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I'm sitting here watching Fox News, they are covering the shootings at Virginia Tech. 22 students are dead, 21 are wounded. I know a kid that is a freshman there. I cannot imagine how his mother is feeling right now. I pray that he is safe and sound and that he has contacted his mother.

I have not heard anything from Junior about his mother. At 9am she had not gone into surgery and I don't think they were sure when her exact time was going to be. The surgery is not supposed to be a long one but it is a major one. I'm getting more and more anxious the longer that I don't hear from him.

On a lighter note, I'm working on an afghan. When I get a few more rows done, I will take a picture of it and I will post pictures of it in progress. I have loved to crochet since I was a little girl when my neighbor, a dear lady I called Miss Ethel who was the only grandmother type person I ever knew, would sit on her porch, rocking in her rocking chair and crochet granny squares. I would sit in the chair next to hers, rocking away, intently watching her hook away. I have to admit that I've never completed anything other than a baby blanket, just because they are smaller. Now I'm on a mission to complete my first afghan.

I'm off to crochet so I don't stuff my face.

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My MIL has made it through surgery. She was taken in around 1pm and was done around 5pm. She is still on a breathing machine which is normal after this type of surgery. I know that Junior will be upset to see her like that though and I wish I was there to support him. I will probably go to visit her tomorrow.

I bought something today that I have wanted since I was a little girl. The kids are so excited.

I bought chickens, well I've put in an order for some chicks. 3 barred rocks which are the black and white ones and 3 buff orpingtons. I cannot wait!

As a child, I had a neighbor that had chickens and I would go and feed them every single day. Now Junior and Trev need to get busy building the coop. If I had my way I'd have a whole slew of different farm animals.

Just call me Old McDonald.

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Now the death toll at VA Tech is up to 33. I found out too that Trev's recovery room nurse from last week has a son that is a freshman there. I cannot imagine how the parents must be feeling.

Junior's aunt called and they are on their way home. Junior's sister is staying the night with my FIL so he won't be alone.

I am feeling really down on myself right now. My eating has been horrible. I hate that I overeat like I do, that I have this need to turn to food for comfort. I've been trying to recognize or pinpoint what I'm feeling and half the time I don't even know what I'm feeling. Am I angry, sad, tired, afraid? Who knows?

I hate that food has such an important place in my life. I turn to food like it's my friend. And that's sad.

Granted, I do know that when I'm premenstrual, I can just eat and eat and eat. Then once I start I don't want to eat because I don't feel good.

I think I may try and get up early tomorrow and try to get my exercise in since tomorrow will probably be busy for me. At least I'll be doing something positive for my health.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

This is my front yard.

This is the ditch that runs underneath my lane.

The whole East Coast is getting whopped by this Nor'Easter. So far in my area we aren't having a lot of wind, I'm not sure if it just hasn't started with that yet or if we're not going to get much wind here.

I went to the gym this morning, first time ever on a weekend. I was feeling so out of sorts and grumpy that I decided a good workout was in order. I did my usual cardio, ten minutes on the elliptical to get warmed up and then 35 minutes on the treadmill. But this time I actually jogged some, I could only do 2 minutes at a time but hey, I still did it. I'm sure I'll be cussing myself tomorrow when I have shin splints. It felt good though to just get in there and work my frustrations out. I had sweat pouring off me, I really need to invest in a sweatband.

Plus having some alone time was nice.

Yesterday was a full day of lacrosse. We went and watched the local college play and went to dinner with the whole group that was at the game. It was fun. Ally wouldn't go though, she's being so antisocial right now.

I have a whole post about how I'm feeling as a mom that I'm still mulling over. I think I'll be posting it some time this week. I'm just not quite ready to put it out there yet.

Tomorrow my MIL is having her heart surgery. I hope it does not get postponed again.

I think I do have PMS. I went back to check when I last posted about having PMS since I don't keep track of my cycle. It seems a little early unless this will be one of those months where I go after 3 weeks rather than 4. I don't know. I do know that I'm feeling mean and want to eat the ass end out of a mountain lion. Sure indication of PMS, don't ya think?

Off to grab a shower, I'll be back later.

Wow!

Anne over at yerdoingitwrong was sweet enough to give me a thinking blogger award. She even called me brave which just blows me away because I don't feel brave half the time. Anne is such a wonderful person, I wish she was my neighbor so we could come to dinner. Her son is the cutest little boy and I love when she shares pictures of him. Stop over and say hello to her for me.

The rules are:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

Here are five bloggers who make me think, and make me smile:

Chelle was pretty much my first blog friend when I started up here. She is very honest and I love that. She shares about all aspects of her life and isn't afraid to stand up for herself.

Chris is someone that I just started reading not long ago. She has lost an amazing amount of weight and shares her entire journey of getting healthy openly. I love reading about her plans for the day and I love that she writes like she speaks, it's just like having a conversation with her.

Sillychick can be read here and here. I swear she and I were separated at birth. She'll post something and I start wondering if she's been listening in on my thoughts. I love her sense of humor and how she just puts herself out there.

Caro is another person with a great sense of humor. I find myself laughing to the point of blowing snot bubbles when reading some of her posts. She was also nice enough to stop in on her weekend off from blogging to check on my son and I.

PQ has probably been nominated for a hundred of these awards but I'm still gonna. I don't comment much on her blog but I check it everyday. She is on the journey of losing half her body weight and shares it very openly.

Ok, I'm off to go give cyber hugs and smooches to Ann for being so kind to nominate me and then let all of my nominations know about their nominations.

Friday Ramblings

I finally got to sleep in my own bed last night and I slept so good. I only woke up once. I did have a hard time falling to sleep so I read until the book started falling in my face. Trev was a little apprehensive about sleeping in his room, mainly because he's gotten so used to being with me. I checked on him earlier, actually woke him up to see if wanted/needed motrin which he didn't and he went right back to sleep. He's still sleeping.

I made it to my training class. I have to admit I really like the new trainer. We did some serious ab work today so I know I'm gonna be sore tomorrow. But that's a good thing, at least then I know I'm working the abs that are lost underneath all the fat.

Trev has an appointment with the ENT doctor at 1:30pm. I also need to go to the grocery store and stock the house with some better food. That's half the reason I haven't been eating well, I don't have good food here to choose from.

Ally is having a friend come home with her today and I guess I'll be taking them to the movies. I'm irritated with Ally right now. I feel like I'm always irritated with her anymore. And really I need to just move on because she's being a typical teenager. But sometimes she's a damn brat and as soon as she starts with that kind of attitude I AM DONE. I have no tolerance for bratty behavior, especially from someone that is almost 14 years old. I mean, you expect it out of a 2 year old. And the thing is I have never rewarded bratty behavior so you'd think she'd learn that it gets her nowhere. It's always worse when she has a boyfriend.

Grrr...

I'm off to check some blogs and then I need a shower cuz I'm a sweaty mess.
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I just realized that I have not mailed off my taxes. Guess I'd better do that today before I forget completely. I can only imagine the fines the lovely state of Maryland would give me if I'm late paying them their $1400.

Jerks.
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Took Trevor to the ENT, his throat is 95% healed but he has canker sores in his mouth which is why he's still complaining of pain and doesn't want to eat much. And he's not allowed to do any sports for the next week, no gym class, pretty much nothing physical. Which means no lacrosse tomorrow.

I mailed off my taxes too.

I'm feeling grumpy and out of sorts. It kind of feels like PMS, I guess I need to look back in my blog to see when I had it last because I know I blogged about it.

What Day Is It?

Since I've been home all week, I have been confused on what day it is. This morning I swore it was Wednesday. I was looking at the calendar for next week and realized my kids have off school next Thursday and Friday for parent/teacher conferences. The month of April is just flying by.

I was planning to go to work for a little while today but Trev is zonked. This is the first morning since surgery that he isn't in a lot of pain first thing in the morning. I woke up him up before 6am and gave him some motrin. He fell right back to sleep and has stayed that way since.

I'm hoping to get him back into his bed tonight so I can get back into mine. I think Junior will be happy and maybe then we won't have to resort to a quickie in the closet.

It's rainy and gloomy today. I was going to let Trev go to lacrosse practice with Junior tonight so he can see his friends and pass the ball some, just no running. I have to take Abby to dance class and I know Trev would rather hang by his toe nails before he went there. But lacrosse could be cancelled if the rain keeps on, I'm kinda hoping it does.

I did not get up early and go to the gym. I will go to my training class tomorrow morning. Speaking of training class, I am so feeling all that we did yesterday in my abs, arms and chest. I'm actually happy to feel the pain, shows me I really worked those areas. So maybe this new trainer won't be so bad.

And since I'm all about being honest and open here on my blog, I want to tell you that I had a piece of birthday cake for breakfast. It was just one piece and that's the only piece I plan to have today. Which is really hard because I could eat the whole damn thing. But it's all about moderation, right?

Off to check some blogs, grab a shower and do some laundry.
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Trev finally got his butt moving around 10am. He woke up feeling fine which is a first so far. Usually he's miserable first thing in the morning. He woke up feeling so good that he asked if we could go to Best Buy so he could spend some of his b-day money.

I was like oh yeah, let's go shoppin'!

And can I just share one of my pet peeves? I cannot stand it when people don't use their blinker. What do I look like, a mind reader? And what's up with driving under the speed limit? I mean, I know I have a lead foot and all but I at least like to do the speed limit. I guess I just shared 2 of my pet peeves. Oh well, it's my blog, so what if I can't count?

I need to go put a lasagna in the oven for dinner later. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have dinner magically appear. But who doesn't wish that?

Change

I don't like change. Well, not sudden, unexpected change.

I joined ediets about 2 months ago or so. It's an ok site. The only reason I have stayed is because of the experts they have there, one of which is Dr. Sklare who was so supportive and really helped with the emotional aspects of losing weight. I printed off several of his articles and I even ordered his Inner Diet workbook. I would attend his online meetings when I could and even though I lurked most of the time, I loved his support group. I get online yesterday evening and find that he and 2 other experts have been let go. No warning. So basically ediets is no different now than the Weight Watchers site which the boards can be used for free. And apparently Dr. Sklare had written a good bye message to all of us but it was deleted. I joined a challenge on ediets that is for 8 weeks so I feel like I need to stay at least to finish that out. But I don't know, I might be moving on.

This morning I made myself go to training class. Rob, our trainer, wasn't there and apparently he just up and quit. He just didn't show up yesterday. So this morning our trainer was the owner of the gym, Danny. It was a great work out but it felt so weird not having Rob there.

So, even though I don't like change, I realize that it's usually a good thing once I get past it all.

Trev is feeling better this morning. Hopefully now he's past the worst of it. I hope so. I'm looking forward to being able to not having to get up all through the night. All this up and down all night has brought back memories of having an infant.

Off to read some blogs and then get a shower.
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After my shower, I was exhausted so I decided to laid down when Trev decided to rest. I fell asleep and didn't wake up for 2 hours! 2 hours! God, I'll never get to bed tonight and now I'm all groggy feeling.

Junior called and his parents want to come over and have a little birthday party for Trev. So now I need to make a cake, some tea and straighten up a little. My mother-in-law is picking up the ice cream and Junior is picking up pizza. Hopefully Trev will be able to eat it.

Trev is feeling much better as far as pain but he's just having a real hard time eating. I think he's gone so long without really eating much of anything that now food is almost gross to him.

Guess I'd better go bake a cake.
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Dinner was nice. I love it when I don't have to cook! Trev ate a little bit of pizza, I cut it into teeny tiny pieces. He ate some apple sauce and then some icing. See, we have our traditional birthday cake that has homemade chocolate peanut butter icing. It's a family recipe and a birthday isn't complete without it. And usually there is just a little bit of icing left over so I put it in a bowl and once it's refrigerated it's almost like fudge. So, whoever is the birthday girl or boy, gets the bowl of icing and doesn't even have to share. Every one of my kids would rather have the icing with no cake. I, however, have to have the cake with icing.

And there is some left too. Not good. This cake is my biggest weakness ever. It's like major comfort food and reminds me of my mother. I didn't learn to make the icing until after Mom died and it took me forever to get it just right. Now I make it just like her.

Tomorrow I may actually head into work for a little while. I can take Trev with me, it'll be good for him to get out of the house. There's a part of me that doesn't want to go just because it's been so nice being home. I've done some cleaning, caught up on laundry. It will be so hard to get back into the swing of things next week!
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God, you know you're desperate when you end up in the bedroom closet with your husband at 8:30pm.....

Hey, it's been awhile, what can I say?

Peace and Quiet

The girls are off to school, Junior is at work so it's just Trev and I. The house is quiet.

I did not get up early to exercise. I went to bed at a normal hour, full of the best intentions. But Trev was back up a couple of hours later, talking off the top of his head, making absolutely no sense at all. He had a bad dream or something. So I took him and we went back out into the living room. Unfortunately for me, I had slept just enough and I was up just about all night. By the time I had finally fallen back to sleep, the alarm was blaring. Needless to say I turned the damn thing off and pulled the covers back over my head.

Since Trev seems to be not feeling so great, I am rescheduling Ally's eye appointment for next week.

Today is Trev's 11th birthday. Poor boy, he's not even in the mood for cake. He has asked that I take him to a local farm store so he can see the baby chicks.

I am so tired. All these days of being up all night are catching up with me. I totally see a nap in my future.

Off to eat breakfast and check on some blogs.
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Trev was itchin' to get out of the house so I decided to take him to the farm store. Should've called first, no baby chicks. We'll have to visit next week when they get more.

I had to go to the grocery store for toilet paper and kitty litter. We were completely out of both. By the time we got to the store, Trev was losing steam and fast. And it was busy, the lines were moving at a snail's pace. I am a firm believer in honoring another's personal space. I don't like people all up on me which is why I don't do well in crowded areas. I don't like close talkers either, you know the kind of people I'm talking about, the ones that are up in your face when they talk to you. It's like back up will ya? So, I'm in line at the store and I've got this bitty behind me who keeps bumping me with her cart. I just ignore it at first, it is crowded. Then she leaves the line and goes to the next checkout, which has no checker and hasn't had one which is why no one is in line there, duh! She even asks our checker if anyone is working in that checkout and our checker gives her this look like no you dumbass. So she then has to back up and get back in line behind me. By this point it's finally my turn to buy my 4 items and damn if she didn't just about run me over, I mean she ran up on the back of my feet. I was like you know, you are not the only one that is in a hurry here, back up and give me some freakin' space!

When we left Trev asked me to stop and get him some McDonald's fries. I was like fries, are you sure? And he ate about half of a medium size. I so wanted to finish them off but I didn't. I enjoyed my diet coke instead.

Cuz I ate chinese food last night and my stomach still hurts and my fingers look like sausages from all the sodium.

I'm looking into someplace to go for our summer vacation. I'm considering Maine, anyone ever been there? Last year we went to the Outer Banks and loved it, I would go back there every year. But I'd like to try and go different places, I have a habit of getting in a rut. I'm open for suggestions of places to visit. Help a girl out!
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Is it just me or does anyone else think that Don Imus looks like some kind of mutant creature type person that belongs on Star Trek?

I noticed he wore a wedding ring so someone finds him attractive enough.

Or his money attractive enough.

Monday Ramblings

It's still early here. I've been to exercise class, it felt so good to get out of the house, just for an hour. I've taken my shower and here I sit. Trev is asleep on the sofa, wrapped up in his camoflage sleeping bag. He had a really good night last night, I had to wake him up and make him take his motrin and drink rather than him being up all night due to the pain. Basically what I've figured out is you heal much faster from this kind of thing by drinking a ton and staying on a strict schedule with the pain meds. Hopefully today he can come off the lortab, he only had it twice yesterday. He hates to take it, it does smell nasty. Why is that the medicine that works the best tastes the worst?

Abby insisted on sleeping in the living room with us so she's on the floor in her sleeping bag. She missed her big brother. The two of them are so close, fric and frac is what I call them.

Ally was even glad to see her brother. You never know with her sometimes.

Junior is at work. I'm kinda glad. Not for any specific reason. I think we've just been home together for too long. He and I are not the kind of couple that are joined at the hip. He likes his space, I like mine. And I'm ready for things to get back to some kind of normalcy.

Tomorrow his mother goes for her heart surgery. Tomorrow is also Trev's birthday. So unfortunately for Trev, tomorrow won't be much of a celebration. Junior is going to go to University of Maryland with his parents, to be there as a support for his father mainly because you know how the waiting is. And I really don't know if Junior will even be coming home at all, it just depends on how she makes out. My FIL has a room booked at a hotel near the hospital because he plans on staying the entire time she's there which is going to be a minimum of 4 days. And we don't live close to the hospital so it makes more sense for him to just stay over there. So at least if Junior needs to stay, they have a hotel room. I certainly pray that she makes it through surgery with no complications though. I know she's nervous. I would be.

I guess I need to work on getting Trev an appointment with a pediatric endocrinologist this week. Ally also needs to go to the eye doctor.

And have I mentioned I have not done our taxes yet. I use Turbo Tax so it's not hard but I hate doing them every year. And since I have a feeling we may owe the state, I've been putting it off. At least that's the excuse I'm using.

Trev also needs to go back to the ENT doctor on Friday for his last visit. Trev has been invited to an Orioles game that day too but I don't know if he'll be up to spending the entire night in Baltimore.

I'm also in the process of going through the kids' spring/summer clothes from last year and bagging up all that is going to Goodwill. So far Trev is the only one that still fits in stuff. Granted it's too cold right now to even think about wearing anything other than our winter stuff.

I want to get Ally's room ready to be painted. We got all her bedding and new curtains so we can pick out the paint now. I also want to sponge paint the upstairs bathroom walls, I'm tired of all the white.

I have such lofty plans, don't I?

What are your plans for the week?
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Well, I did manage to get our taxes done today. Ugh. We owe the lovely state of Maryland $1400.00 and we're getting a whopping $180 back from federal. At least we didn't owe them too! Bastards...

And I'm happy to report that I did some major cleaning today. The house by no means immaculate but at least the dust bunnies that were the size of my cat are gone now.

So all and all I feel it was a productive day.

My MIL found out this evening that her surgery has been rescheduled for next Monday. She had her mind set to get this done and now she has to wait another week.

Trev hasn't had as good a day today as yesterday. My sister said that the 3rd full day post op can be pretty bad. He's complaining of his throat feeling funny and my sister said that is because the scabs or whateve is sloughing off. God, isn't that gross? Makes we feel gaggish thinking about it.

While in the waiting room on Friday I was watching a woman crochet a blanket and it brought back my love of crocheting. I've never been very good at it but I have loved doing it since I was a child. I went and found some of my crocheting stuff and have it here at my feet. I think it's time that I started being creative again.

I'm debating whether to get up early again tomorrow and go to the gym. That's really the only way I can get it in. So if I want to continue with my plan of working out at least 5 days a week, I guess I'll be dragging my tired ass out of bed.

Junior asked me tonight if I'm ever sleeping in our bed again. I had planned on it and was going to let Trev crash in there too, just because he's had a rough day and I want to be right there for him. I don't think that's what Junior had in mind, lol.

Oh and Junior busted me writing on here. No, I did not share with him that I blog. I don't know why, I guess because I need a place to just let it all out there. I hope he doesn't go looking now, that would totally mess me up.

Rather Than

Happy Easter to all that celebrate!

This year I will be eating a Lean Cuisine rather than the traditional Easter meal.

This year I will be watching movies and Nickelodean with my son rather than watching the kids hunt for Easter eggs.

But all is good.

Have a great day today no matter what you are doing.

Wow

I got to take a little while by myself and go to the grocery store. I wanted to find something easy for dinner tonight and find something for me to eat tomorrow.

I was going to just buy whatever looked good.

Pretty much I was going to buy a bunch of junk food and spend the next 2 days pigging out.

I don't know why. Maybe because I'm stuck home and feeling sorry for myself? But whatever the reason, that's was what I was going to do.

But as I walked around the store I realized nothing was appealing to me except the fruit and pretzels.

I wandered down the cookie aisle, the soft, chewy chocolate chips were on sale, but as I stood there, looking at the different kinds, I thought about how I'd feel if I ate them. I knew I'd be all full and miserable.

Next was the chips aisle. I considered getting some chips and dip. Then I thought about how I'd feel after eating them, full, burping up the french onion all night.

My last stop was the ice cream aisle.

I love me some ice cream

But ice cream does not love me back. As a matter of fact, milk products in general don't like me very much.

I'll spare you those details.

But I was like, hey, why not? I'm not going anywhere and Breyer's is on sale, buy one get one free!

Then I thought about how I'd feel, all bloated, gassy (sorry) and in pain.

I continued walking around the store, trying to come up with something I wanted. What I was doing was trying to figure out what binge foods I wanted.

That's when I realized that I didn't want to binge. Not really. I didn't want to feel yucky.

So I really thought about what I wanted and bought those things. I made homemade cheesesteaks, yes cheesesteaks but I drained off all the fat and didn't use that much meat. I also made fries, but they were baked. I decided I wanted a snickers bar and I enjoyed every single bite.

I'm content, not overly full.

For tomorrow I will have the fruit bowl that I was drooling over. And I have a bag of pretzels that I can munch on when I'm in the mood to munch.

I know that I won't always choose to honor my body. It's just so weird to be making better choices, to be thinking it through.

I weighed myself and if my scale is still correct I've lost another 2 pounds.

Progress.

Boredom Day #1

Last night was a long night. Every 2 hours I had to give Trev his medicine and make him drink. I pretty much was up all night. Around 3am, Trev got a little panicky due to the swelling in his throat. Poor boy. We just curled up together, I held him like I did when he was a little boy and he fell asleep, drooled all over shirt. Just like the old days.

We only got about an inch of snow and it didn't stick to the roads.

The doctor was very pleased when he saw Trev this morning. We were only there for 5 minutes. Trev was complaining of his stomach feeling funny on the way in. He hasn't eaten a thing since Thursday night and with all the pain medicine he's on, I knew he was probably feeling bad.

We got home and as soon as we walked in the door he threw up all over the kitchen floor.

At least he did it there and not on the carpet.

Once he was straight he asked me to cook him scrambled eggs. So I did, I cooked him one and he devoured it. He's had his double dose of motrin and now he's sleeping. I think he'll feel alot better when he wakes up.

The girls will be coming home later today. I have to admit I wish they could stay with my in-laws for one more day.

Tomorrow is Easter and we have not dyed eggs yet. It's not looking like we will either. I feel bad because Abby loves to dye eggs. And the Easter baskets are kind of slack this year. It will be weird sitting home tomorrow and not going to my in-laws. Ally is dressing up as the Easter Bunny this year for all the little ones. But I doubt there will be an Easter egg hunt because of the weather.

I guess I'll go wander around the net for awhile. So far I only have one person on my yahoo messenger and that's Sillychick, who needs to accept my friend request thing asap cuz I'm bossy that way.
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My MIL just called, the girls are staying one more night with her. It's a good thing, that way it will stay quiet around here and Trev can sleep without being woke up by them. And so can I.

Stupid Weather

I cannot believe this!

Should make going to the doctor in the morning a lot of fun.

Trev has just fallen back to sleep. He's drinking even though it hurts. He's been such a brave boy.

Right now he's snoring his head off.

Gotta love that lortab.

I kind of wish we'd done this another day just cuz there won't be a soul online this weekend since it's a holiday.

I guess I'll end up cleaning the damn house after all.

We're Home

Trev is doing fine, in a lot of pain but sleeping thanks to Lortab.

I knew he would be in pain but I was surprised about how bad he felt. I almost passed out.

Really.

I had to plant my ass in a chair next to his bed.

I guess it was from seeing him so upset and in so much pain.

We have an 8:30am appointment with the doctor tomorrow so he can check on him. The doctor said his tonsils and adenoids were both full of puss and just all around yucky. So at least we did the right thing having them removed.

I will probably be spending an enormous amount of time online the next couple of days. What else do I have better to do while he's sleeping?

Certainly not housework.

The girls are with my MIL and are staying there until tomorrow some time.

My friend, the dad from lacrosse who is a preacher, showed up at the hospital this morning right before we headed back. Isn't that cool?

Off to eat some lunch. All I've had today is a diet coke and some pretzels. Could be why I'm still a little woozy.

Be prepared for me to blog all weekend on lots of meaningless crap.

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I've downloaded yahoo messenger so I can chat with people this weekend while I'm bored to death. So if you use yahoo, add me to your friends list as talktoty.

Caution! Rant Ahead!

My blasted insurance will not let me go to the one children's hospital that I wanted. Thankfully we live near several great hospitals. The Washington Children's Hospital has an office in Annapolis so I'm thinking we will be going there.

Maybe.

My pediatrician called there, talked with "Sheila" and then called me to give me the phone number and told me to talk with "Sheila", who was expecting my call.

I called the number, pushed #2 to make an appointment and wouldn't you know that I had the honor of getting a hold of the nastiest huzzy ever.

She told me there is no Sheila and that I have to have Trev's lab results faxed to the doctor so he can review them before he will see Trev.

WTF?

I told her that my pediatrician had just called there, not 20 minutes beforehand.

She was like yeah right.

It was all I could do not to completely lose my freaking mind on that woman.

I called my pediatrician back who then called them back and then he called me back. Apparently sometimes when you call the number you get patched through to the D.C. office, not the Annapolis office. So the D.C. office would not know of a Sheila.

So, I'm not sure if I'm even comfortable with going to this doctor. I mean, if the office staff is nasty like that, I mean she didn't even try to listen to me, how will my son be treated there?

Sheila was supposed to be calling me back because of all the confusion but she never did. And I know they are busy, that we are by far not the only patient, but still.

I'm going to look into pediatric endocrinologists at University of Maryland and John Hopkins. At least I have more than just that one option.

I just wonder how many other people have turned away from that one doctor due to how they were treated by the office staff. I know working with the people is challenging and I can only imagine the kinds of people they have to deal with. But I was polite from the very start, told her what was going on and she completely blew me off and treated me like I was a dumb ass.

Bitch.

I work in the office for the family business. I am the person people speak with first when they call, I am the person they see first when they enter our office. If I am rude, I could turn away a potential client. We live in a rural area where word of mouth is huge and how we get all of our customers. I don't want people saying I'd love for Blank Construction Company to build our home but man, their daughter-in-law is a bitch and she works in the office, who wants to deal with her?

I'm just going to get through tomorrow and then I'll start working on getting Trev an appointment.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Ugh

We have to be to the hospital at 9:15am tomorrow.

Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. I'll be doing that along with him.

His thyroid level is back up again so we'll be seeing a pediatric endocrinologist now.

I feel like I could puke.

Here and There

I've managed to get all our billing done, I did not think I was going to manage to get it finished by tomorrow. But it will be completely done and in the mail tomorrow. One less thing hanging over my head next week.

It is raining like crazy today. This morning on the way to exercise (which I almost didn't make it to because I overslept) it was lightning and thundering. This weekend it's supposed to feel like winter. You never know how to dress from one day to the next.

I'm leaving work early today, I have some errands to run and today is the last day that I'll have time. Abby needs new tap shoes, Trev needs to get all his food for after surgery so far he wants apple sauce, jello and ice pops. I don't know whether Ally will go with us.

Abby stayed the night last night with a friend. It was so weird not having her home. I'm so used to her voice and the noise that she and Trev make when they play/wrestle/fight. I think Trev missed her too, he'd never admit it though.

I hope she had a good time. I feel bad because the kids don't get to have friends over like other kids do. It's hard, we're never home during the week and on the weekends I either have things I need to do or I want to just chill out. And if the house is a wreck, which it is most of the time nowadays, I feel weird having people over. Even though our house isn't dirty enough that kids would notice but I notice. I want our house to be somewhere that our kids and their friends like to be.

Yesterday I did the ellipitical machine for 10 minutes. That machine is so damn hard! But I've improved because at first I could only do 3 minutes. I've slowly worked my way up. I walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes too. By the time I was done I was sweating like a hog. See, I sweat, I don't glisten or prespire. It drips in my eyes, my bangs get soaked, my bras are soaked. I think I need to invest in a sweatband. Won't I look cool?

I cannot believe it's already Wednesday. This week is flying and with each day my nerves are getting more frazzled. I can't sleep even though I'm exhausted. Hell, I even cried on the way home this morning. I keep imagining all the worst case scenarios and I'm like, get a grip, stop doing this to yourself! I didn't used to be this way, I have become the biggest worrier I know. Ever since Mom died, I worry about losing someone else. I hate that I'm like this, it's no way to live.

I was talking with one of the dad's from the lacrosse team, I think he and his wife are the greatest people. He's a Methodist preacher and he is the most approachable, normal guy you'd ever meet. He and I talked at length last night about my faith, how I've struggled since Mom's death and he not once made me feel wrong for how I felt. He was totally understanding, talked about his own struggles lately due to his father being very ill. He wants me to call him tomorrow when I know Trev's exact surgery time so he can keep all of us in prayer. It was a great talk and I walked away feeling good. It's no surprise that his charge has grown so much because he's a genuine guy and people respond to his nonjudgemental way.

I'm off to check some blogs.

Bad Mood

Yesterday I spent the day getting Trev's pre-op stuff taken care of. Now it's just a waiting game until Friday. The pediatrician is testing his thyroid again, if it is still high we will be going to see a pediatric endocrinologist. Thankfully, we live near a great children's hospital so that's where we will go. Hopefully everything will be fine.

I am grumpy. I know it's because I'm worried about Trev's surgery. But I feel like everyone around me is just on my last nerve.

I miss my mom. Whenever I'm really going through something, I still find myself thinking, I need to call mom. I'll miss her support on Friday.

Trev's birthday is on the 10th, Abby's is on the 22nd of this month. I will bake the kids our special family cake which is called Nana Cake now. I'll miss her on each birthday and so will the kids.

Then it will be Mother's Day. Do you know that my SIL had the nerve one year to go on and on about how blessed she was that she still has so many mothers in her life? Her mom, her 2 grandmothers and her MIL. I so wanted to punch her in the face. I mean, did she not even think about the fact that other than her mother who is my MIL, I have no one? I don't think she said that to purposefully make me feel bad, she just doesn't think. But that's the problem! Think before you speak!

Grrr.....

Anyway, I don't know if I'll have too much to blog about this week other than bitching about stuff. So I understand if you want to just stay away until I get past this week. I know I'm going to gripe, maybe even whine, feel sorry for myself and say things I shouldn't.

I'm finding myself getting pissed off because I want to turn to food so badly but I know that I'll only feel worse for doing that in the long run.

I need to get to work. I'm under a deadline with the bills, I'm supposed to get as much done as possible in the next 3 days.

Yeah right.

Angry

Today we went to dinner for my mil's birthday. It was Junior, me and our kids, my sil, her husband and their kids, my in-laws, my mil's mother and her friend.

Abby sat between her two cousins, Mary is 6 and Jen is 4. All 3 girls were wearing cute dresses.

But Junior's grandmother only complimented Mary and Jen.

More than once.

Now I don't expect for my children to receive a ton of compliments or for a big deal to be made over their presence.

But it killed me to watch my little Abby, sitting there, waiting for her great-grandmother to tell her how pretty she looked. I watched her realize that she wasn't going to hear it, I watched her quietly pick up her crayon and start coloring, not once did she try and bring attention to herself in order to receive the compliment she so wanted.

I think my mil caught on to what was happening though and she started making a huge deal over Abby's outfit.

I've been noticing for some time how Junior's grandmother favors my sil's children. She talks about how well mannered they are, how cute they are. Which is fine because they are cute and they are good kids. And I don't expect for her to gush all over my kids but you know, every now and then wouldn't be a bad thing.

I have to admit this has affected my feelings toward her. Not that I've said anything, I mean what am I supposed to say? But I've gotten to the point now, that when she starts going on and on about them, I don't even respond. I mean, for shit's sake, I don't need to hear for the 100th time how freaking good the kids are.

But after today, after watching Abby realize it, I'm just done.

I was so pissed that I could've left at that moment.

After dinner Junior wanted to go back to his parent's house and I so did not want to but how could I object? His mother is about to have heart surgery and he wants to spend time with her, I can't and won't get in the way of that. And the kids wanted to go so we did.

My mil gushed all over Abby when we got there and Mom Mom did manage to agree.

Whatever.

Why does it have to be that way?

I don't want to come across like I expect my kids to get all the attention because that is not the case. But in that kind of situation, where it's just us at a table, it makes it very obvious. That I have a problem with.

I haven't even talked with Junior about it.

I came home and eat several handfuls of miniature nutter butters instead.

That'll show them, won't it?

Boringness (yes, that's a word here at my blog)

I don't have anything good to blog.

Yesterday was filled with lacrosse games. Abby played in the morning, Trev played in the afternoon.

Last night we went and watched the local college play lacrosse. It's free to go to the games and I was surprised how many people I knew there.

Ally went to a friend's house last night.

Today we are going to an early dinner to celebrate my MIL's birthday.

I was considering going to the gym this morning but I think I'll see if Junior just wants to go for a walk.

I managed to turn down McDonald's last night. It was one of those times where I had to consider what would be the best for me. It was after 9pm so I knew if I ate anything heavy I would not sleep well and McDonald's food always upsets my stomach so I decided it was just not worth it. I have found that if I take the time to consider what will be the best choice, I don't feel bogged down by the diet mentality. It's not that I can't have it, I'm choosing not to because it's not good for me. But there will be time where I will make choices that aren't good for me because I am human. And that's ok. After those times, I just need to pick right up and move on.

I think the most awesome thing that has happened over the past 2 weeks is that I'm becoming more attuned to my body. I'm learning to listen to it, to honor it and I completely attribute that to exercise. With all the exercise I've been doing, I've had to learn to listen to what my body is saying so that I don't hurt myself.

I still find myself thinking negatively. Like, at class Friday morning we were in the aerobics room doing some arm and abs exercises which meant we were in front of a huge full lenth mirror. At first I was just looking at my reflection to watch my form, then I found myself thinking, oh God you are gross, look at how big your thighs are, nasty. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped myself and went back to focusing on exercising. And I still get into moments of thinking that I can't do this, that I still have so much to lose, it's going to take forever, why bother you're still going to look awful when the weight is off, blah blah blah.

It's hard standing up against all those thoughts and I would be a liar if I didn't say that I get discouraged when I think that way. But I've let those kind of thoughts get me down long enough. It's got to stop sometime.

So I keep plugging along.

What about you? Do you think negatively about yourself?