Almost the Weekend

I'm glad it's Friday. Not that I have anything special planned for this weekend. Hell, I can't even sleep in tomorrow morning. Abby's lacrosse game is at 9am which means we have to be there at 8:30am. But at least the weekend is here, right?

The kids have a half day of school today. I'm picking Abby and Trev up, we are taking Abby's classroom pet-Pooh the guinea pig-home for spring break. Since we already have 2 guinea pigs we usually take Pooh home over the breaks and it's really not that much bother.

Ally is riding the bus home though. I remember when she hated to ride the bus, now she would rather ride the bus than have me come pick her up. She is so at the age where I am an embarassment to her. At first it hurt my feelings, now I think it's funny. I think she's a little mad with me because I told her this morning that if she wants to do anything social this weekend, she has to clean her room and the bathroom.

She'll get over it though or sit home.

My inner thighs are killing me. I worked out by myself yesterday with Rob, the trainer. He's trying to help me with the tightness and pain in my hip. I may start meeting with him once a week so he can help me one on one with strengthening my left leg. This week he has had us do a lot of leg work and I can so feel it today.

I'm tired right now, I feel like I could fall asleep sitting here at the computer. I went to bed late, every time I tried to head to the bedroom, I kept remembering things I needed to do, does that happen to you? 4:15 came awful early this morning, I did not want to get up and the only reason I did is because I don't know often I'll be able to go to the gym once Trev has his surgery.

Which is now 1 week away. Next Friday Trev has his tonsils removed. Every time I think about it I get all weepy. I know it's just a tonsillectomy, a one hour procedure but still. He is being put completely under anesthesia and that scares me. But I can't show it because right now he's a little nervous but not terrified. I don't want him to be terrified so I have to suck it up. I'm here to tell you though once that boy gets taken behind those double doors, I am going to lose it. I know it. I'm gonna bawl like a big baby, I've told my sister to warn the nurses and to tell them to just let me be until I get myself straight.

My sister is a nurse and is actually the manager of same day surgery. She's going to go back with Trev and stay with him while he's put under. There is comfort in that for both he and I.

I'm still gonna cry though.

I'm off to read some blogs before I head up to the school.

Tell me your plans for the weekend. Going anywhere for spring break? What are your Easter plans?

Stress

As I walked through my bedroom and tripped over the laundry basket full of clothes, I got pissed and started ranting in my head about what a damn mess the house was and how I hate it but can't seem to keep up, how come I can't keep up, other women do...blah blah blah.

My unorganized home is a source of stress for me.

I am a stress eater.

And I realized how many things I have in my life that cause me undue stress, things that I can control. Obviously there are things in our lives that stress us out, bother our emotions that are beyond our control.

But an unorganized home is not one of them. And if that is something that really bothers me which in turn makes me want to eat a ton of junk food, then I need to fix that because I can.

Then I started thinking about what other things that are in my control that stress me out, here are a couple:
-not keeping to a bill paying plan, I just don't and I hate it when I go to pay bills and I'm a day late on something, there's no excuse for that if I have the money
-doing laundry only after it's piled up to the light switch in my bathroom rather than doing a load each day to keep up with it all

I'm going to give this more thought and once I've determined what things in my daily life bother me even on a subconscious level and those that I can control and/or change, I am going to start working on them, one by one.

How about you? Do you have things that stress you out, things that you can change or control?

My Day

I took the day off work to finish up the errands that I never finished last week. The next two weeks will be very busy ones for me so I need to get as much done this week as possible.

I went to the lovely Tarjay (Target for those who don't know), I love that store. I got all the Easter basket stuff and I'm redecorating the upstairs bathroom and I was able to find things there I liked.

I then went to Kohl's. I was looking for a pair of tennis shoes so that I don't wear my work out shoes for anything other than that. I didn't have any luck though. I did find some sticky bottomed bathroom rugs for Junior's grandparents so that Pop Pop doesn't fall again-they were 50% off too. Gotta love that.

My final stop was the mall where I didn't have any luck in finding shoes either.

Now I'm home and I'm tired. My thighs hurt from exercise this morning. And I'm feeling all down on myself, I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror at the mall and I did not like what I saw. I've come so far, I know that but man, I wish I could just snap my fingers and be at my goal weight.

But I know that I don't learn anything if it comes easy...

Off to read some blogs.

Weight Loss Update

I'm happy to report I have lost 2 pounds! Finally! I think it has a lot to do with my body releasing all the extra fluid it retains before I start my period. But I don't care. The scale has not moved in what feels like forever. I can't complain too much because I wasn't trying very hard to eat well either. Now that I'm exercising on a regular basis, I need to make more of an effort to eat better more consistently.

I think I may be starting to see a little difference in my body from the exercise. My lower thighs look a little more toned and my butt seems to be lifted just a bit. I used to have the kind of butt you could sit a drink on, way back in my younger days. And somewhere along the line with getting fat and having kids, I lost my butt. Maybe there's hope though with all the lunges and squats I've been doing.

I found myself wanting to binge yesterday after the funeral. I had to just recognize what I was feeling, why I was feeling it and decide whether I was going to eat my way through the feelings or just wait them out and actually feel them. Most of my binges stem from me not wanting to feel my feelings and that is something I am trying to work on. I realize though that there will be times where I still choose to binge and I have to own that choice and move on from that point.

In a perfect world I wouldn't binge again. I know I will though but my goal is to binge less and less with time. That for me is a goal I feel I can reach.

I have read many times that you should write out your goals, then write out the steps you can take to achieve them. That writing it out like that, makes them more real to you and increases your success in succeeding. I'm going to sit down and write out my goals and how I can achieve them. Once I have, I will post them here. I encourage you to do the same and if you're comfortable with it, share them here.

Meme

My friend Chelle tagged me with this meme so here goes:

6 Favorite Spring Things

• Waking up to all the birds chirping
• Being able to open the windows and have the curtains blow in the breeze
• Putting the winter coats away
• Getting to wear my flip flops-love my Tevas
• Sitting outside with the sunshine on my face

I'm tagging every single person who hasn't done this one yet-let me know if you do it so I can come read yours.

Monday Ramblings

It's funny how I only have down time when I'm at work. Right now I am the only one in the office so it is quiet. I love it.

Hauled my rear to exercise this morning. It was one of those mornings where I was thinking why in the hell am I doing this? I actually pay to get up at an ungodly hour to get my butt kicked in exercise. Thankfully I wasn't the only one dragging ass so I didn't feel so bad. Even Rob the trainer was tired and he didn't work us too hard. I'm sure he'll make up for it Wednesday.

I have to pay bills today. Ugh.

I've got cramps and I'm all bloated feeling.

My office is next door to a Royal Farms convenience store. My desk is near our front doors which are full glass which gives me an open view to the gas pumps. I just looked out the door and there's this guy bent over inside a car window and all I saw was his butt crack and half his ass. What is up with that? Wear pants that fit!! The thing is, doesn't he feel the draft and want to pull them up? How can you just ignore that?

Whatever.

Trev has a book report due tomorrow. I am so tired of book reports. Every month he and Abby both have book reports. With Abby it's not so bad because she likes to read. With Trev it's like asking him to pull out his hair one strand at a time. He does not want to do it. He has struggled with reading since day one and even though he reads better each year, he still hates it. I try and get books on things he's interested in, like sports or animals but it's still a chore.

I've rambled enough. Off to visit some blogs, check in at ediets and then it's time to pay bills and watch my checking account dwindle to nothing.

Long Day Part 2

I'm exhausted so this post is going to be quick with incomplete sentences:

Went to the birthday party, it went fine even though my FIL had to rush my SIL along so we could eat and get out of there in order to get to the viewing.

Junior and I were in charge of getting his grandparents to the viewing, when we got there Pop Pop was on the floor and had been there for close to an hour. They were waiting for us to show up to help get him up. Needless to say he did not go to the viewing so we took Mom Mom and her brother.

Got home, changed my clothes, again and went to the grocery store because I still had not made it there. While on the way I noticed Ally's cell was in my van and so I took a look see at her text messages. Yes, I do that from time to time and no, I don't care that I'm invading her privacy. I wasn't very happy with some of the texts so she and I had a long heart to heart after I'd gotten my shit together and could talk without reaming her out.

Fixed dinner, thank God for chicken nuggets. Helped Abby with her book project. And I'm about to get everyone to bed, including myself because 4:15 is going to come awful early.

No, I did not go to the gym today. I slept in until 8am and it felt wonderful.

My eating hasn't been the best today mainly because of what I had to choose from. I didn't pig out though and I declined cake and ice cream.

So there you have it. Nothing exciting, nothing profound.

Off to bed.

Long Day

It has been a long day.

We had to be to the lacrosse field at 8:30am and it was raining. And cold. Yesterday it was 75 freaking degrees and sunny. Today it was barely 50 and raining.

And lacrosse doesn't get cancelled because of rain, well not normally anyway. Abby's games were cancelled though, it mainly depends on the coaches. Obviously someone on the other team didn't want to get wet.

We played our biggest rival today. Trev played first, he lost. Ally played and she lost.

Trev was not himself at all. He just doesn't have the energy he usually does. I made him go to bed early last night and he got to sleep in later than usual. I don't know. He has more blood work done in 2 weeks to get ready for surgery and he's going to also have his thyroid checked again. I keep wondering if his thyroid is still off and that is what is contributing to his lack of energy. He's not sleeping well though and I don't know why because he has always been a good sleeper. Or could it have to do with his tonsils in some way?

Ally really enjoyed her game. She had two shots on the goal, didn't make either one but the point is she had two chances. The team seemed more unified today, they were actually passing to each other more which was a big problem last year. There were 3 girls that would only pass to each other. There was a lot of tension among the girls, lots of attitudes. It made for a long season.

Abby and Trev ended up going home with friends. So Ally was stuck with Junior and I. As we were eating lunch Ally informed me that she had to get stuff to do her Social Studies expo project. That's due Monday, as in the day after tomorrow. This project is half her grade. So off we went to get materials which means a 35 minute drive one way to the nearest craft store. Then I realized that I had yet to get my MIL and our niece their gifts (I never did run errands yesterday, the computer guy called and wanted to deliver the new computer). We ended up going to 4 different stores and I had planned on getting groceries too but after the 4th store, I was like screw it. I'll go in the morning.

We went to dinner instead.

And I'm here to admit that I ate a greasy ass cheese steak and it was GOOD. I've had feelings of guilt but I hadn't eaten anything but a granola bar and a salad with roasted chicken in it all day so.....

Last night we ate at Applebee's where I could've had a healthy meal but I didn't. I got my usual, the chicken fajita roll up which isn't too bad in and of itself but I ate the fries that come with it.

Tomorrow we have the birthday party and I'm going to try to skip the cake and ice cream. I only really like our special family birthday cake which my kids call Nana Cake (because my mom always fixed it) so it won't really hurt my feelings to not eat that really sweet icing.

Junior's great-great aunt died Thursday night and the viewing is tomorrow early evening so due to that we won't be staying at the b-day party very long. Not that we had planned on it.

I'm considering going to the gym first thing in the morning and then going to the grocery store. The gym opens at 7am and if I do the same as I did this morning, I will be wide awake at 5am.

But then I might sleep in.

I also need to clean out my van because Junior needs to take it to the viewing so he can take his grandparents. They can't go in Junior's truck, it's your typical redneck truck, jacked up with big tires. Hell, have the time it's all I can do to haul my ass up in there.

And the house is still a mess. I have feeling it may be staying that way for a few more days.

I'm off to check some blogs, maybe play poppit, anything but what I should be doing.

TGIF

I feel so sorry for the trainer that runs the class I'm taking. Our class has dwindled down to just women and there he is, this young, kinda geeky guy. Today he made us run laps while holding weights, I power walked though. But we all were complaining about being a woman and running, you know, the boob thing. I made a comment that I wear two exercise bras in order to keep the girls under control at least a little. The expression on his face was priceless. Poor guy.

He would've really been uncomfortable if I told him about my pee issue.

I am so damn tired right now. I slept like crap last night even though I walked the track while the kids practiced. I hate that I'm so dependent on Ambien. It doesn't help that Junior snores and it's getting worse the older he gets. I'm starting to see the benefits in separate bedrooms.

I need to go shopping. Today is my MIL's birthday and I don't have any idea what I'm going to get her. Maybe a good book or two that she can read as she recovers from her surgery. I also need to buy a present for Jen, niece #2. Since her parents are so funny about toys, I'm just going to buy her a cute outfit.

My house is a total wreck. Stuff is all over the place, I've got dust bunnies the size of my cat, laundry is piled high. I've just been so whipped the last two weeks that when I'm home, I'm near comatose.

I went to the doctor yesterday. My blood pressure was high for the nurse. Then my doctor took it using a bigger cuff and it was just borderline, 128/84. They've changed the guidelines and anything over 120/80 is considered borderline. So that was a huge relief. And regarding my coughing after exercise, we're just going to wait and see if that improves as I get in better shape. It is getting better, like today I'm not coughing at all. I think it has something to do with leaving the hot gym and going out to the cold air. This morning it was 60 degrees and I've had no problems.

Tomorrow is opening day for lacrosse but they are calling for rain. Sometimes they play in the rain which really sucks because we the parents are just as soaked as they are. The kids love it though. I hope this year is a better year for Ally, her team was terribly divided last year and it showed in their performance. And this is Junior's first year coaching and I know he's nervous becaused honestly, the kids aren't ready. We haven't had that many practices, the new kids just haven't had enough time to learn the game. But they'll learn by playing and I'm sure we'll get our share of penalties thrown on us as they learn. Trev's team is so small with only 3 subs and we already know of one boy who won't be to the game next week and he'll probably miss quite a few because his parents like to travel around to all the Nascar races. I'm kinda like, why did you even sign him up then? And there's this other kid on the team who is a big ass whiney baby. Junior is pretty patient but this kid is going to drive him freakin' nuts. The boy thinks it's not fair when he doesn't get his way, I told Junior to tell him what I tell Ally all the time-Life Ain't Fair, deal with it. And Abby is worried that she's going to be put in a different position this year and she still wants to play defense. She'll have to go where they put her though and she's got this girl on the team who drives her crazy. This is the girl's first year and she's doing a lot wrong, raking the ball, checking sticks (you don't check in the young group) and really pushing and shoving. Basically, she's pissing Abby off royally by being rough and Abby doesn't get angry very easily but once she does, it's not good. But I told her to just keep herself straight and let Britt get called on her actions by the ref.

I think I'm getting hungry. I don't normally say this but I don't think I've been eating enough this week. It's like all this exercise has zapped my appetite. Half the time I'm just too tired to even want to fix anything. Last night I had 2 slices of cheese for dinner and I only ate that because I didn't want to feel woozy this morning.

I'm off to check some blogs and then I need to run errands. A nap is sounding real good right now though.

Falling Short

I got to sleep in until 6am this morning, woo hoo!

I have my doctor's appointment this afternoon. I'm hoping my blood pressure will be good and that I'll get some answers on the coughing after exercise. I have not coughed as bad this week and I'm not wheezing, maybe it's some kind of reactive airway thing. I don't know, I just don't want it to be exercise induced asthma.

I'm stiff and sore today but not as bad as yesterday. Thank God. I wonder what tomorrow's class will bring. One thing I've noticed is that my left leg is weaker than my right, I guess that means I need to really work my left leg more.

From the sound of things, our niece's birthday is turning into this huge affair. I guess I'm a slacker mom. I don't invite every single person that I know or that I'm related to. And usually I just do cake and ice cream not a big meal. For shit's sake, the kid doesn't care about the meal, all they want is their presents. Maybe though, if they are going to have such a house full they won't even notice if we don't show up, lol. What do you think?

I think I have PMS.

I should be a more loving SIL. And the only reason I will go is because I love kids and know how important birthdays are to them. So, even though I'm a hateful SIL, I'm a loving aunt.

Maybe I'm just jealous. Jealous that I don't have the energy to do big parties like that. Jealous that I don't have the time it takes to put something together in that way. Jealous that I don't have a mom to help me or a dad that wants to come.

Or maybe my hard feelings stem from having all my inadequacies as a mother shoved in my face.

Whatever the cause, this is something that I need to resolve because no one else can do it for me.

I try to be the best mom I know how to be. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I yell, say things out of anger that I wish more than anything I could take back, sometimes my kids are digging through baskets of wrinkly, unfolded clothes to find socks and underwear (at least they're clean!), sometimes we eat dinner in front of the tv (mostly when Survivor is on and we're eating that late due to lacrosse practice), sometimes I forget their drinks on the way to practices, sometimes I don't even cook a real dinner, we eat whatever is in the fridge, sometimes I am down and don't want to do anything and we sit around in our pj's all day and I don't make them even brush their.

But what I do all the time, is love my children.

And no matter how often I beat myself up for all that I don't do or don't do well, I know that I love my kids.

Oh, my.....

poor stomach muscles. Mostly my lower stomach muscles. The pain, the pain!

For some reason, my muscles are most sore 2 days later. Yesterday they were sore but not too bad. I went to the gym yesterday and the trainer asked me what I wanted to do today and being the dumb blonde I am, I said I'd like to work on my abs some more.

Well, I should've kept my mouth shut because by this morning my abs were killing me.

And sure enough, at class this morning we did major ab work.

Next time I will just shut up.

I'm so tired right now. This getting up at 4:15 sucks donkey balls. And to make matters worse, I don't take my sleeping pill that night before I exercise because I'll be groggy and I can't imagine trying to work out groggy. Without the aid of Ambien, I fall asleep but don't stay asleep. I'll sleep well for 2-3 hours and then I'm up every hour on the hour until I finally get up. Tonight is going to be an Ambien night!

Ally had an orthodontist appointment this morning, they changed the wire on the bottom and have now added rubber bands to start pulling her lower jaw forward. The funny thing is, she went back to school. Usually she'll start with oh the pain Mom, my mouth feels awful, my jaw is killing me (she's had some problems with TMJ since Christmas) so she can get out of school. Not today, she couldn't wait to go back. Do you think it had anything to do with seeing her boyfriend?

God, do you think my in-laws will mind if curl up here and take a nap?

Pee You or is it P U?

I was able to leave work early today. My FIL decided to put coats of stain on some boards, inside the office because it's warm in the office and he needed it to dry. He never considered how bad it would smell, I guess he didn't read the directions on the can that says use in a heavily ventilated area. Not a small office with all the windows and doors shut and the heat cranking so that the smell circulates throughout the entire place.

I am very sensitive to chemicals, I get headaches, bad headaches. When we stained the floor in our addition, I almost went to stay with my mother, I really should have because I got so ill from the fumes.

So, I was at work about 45 minutes.

My sister bailed on me for lunch. I'm not surprised.

Yesterday I managed to stay on plan with my eating and so far today I've done well. I just ate lunch and I'm debating whether to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. Tomorrow morning I have group training, it should be the aerobics, kick boxing class. I am so apprehensive before each group training session, wondering what we're going to do, will I be able to do it?

I would rather take a nap, I don't know why, I slept pretty good last night. It may have something to do with not having had caffeine so far today. I'm trying to cut back to just one Diet Coke a day, it's hard though because I love me some Diet Coke and I need caffeine.

Tonight the kids have lacrosse practice, the weather is beautiful so at least we won't freeze. Opening Day is Saturday and it's supposed to 70-72 degrees. The weather men are telling us not to get our hopes up though, it's going to get cold again. Damn it!

I've got a vacuum cleaner question. I need a new one and I'm considering a Dyson, the one that is good for animal hair. I've heard great things about the Dyson brand. Do you own one, know someone that does? What do you have now? I have an almost 15 year old Electrolux.

Mondays

I managed to drag my sorry butt out to exercise class this morning and now I'm at work. I so wanted to pull the covers over my head, keep the kids home from school and just hibernate.

Instead I went to exercise and got my butt kicked again. Today we had to do suicides, for those that aren't in the know, suicides are where you have a starting point, you run (yes, RUN) to the first cone then back, then run to the 2nd cone and back and finally to the 3rd cone and back. My kids have to do them at sports practices and hate them. Now I know why.

First, let me say thank God for poise pads otherwise it would not have been good.

I don't even know how many sets of suicides I did. After your set of suicides, you had to do this ab exercise, then you had to lift a dumb bell. To make matters worse, you had to run your suicides with a partner. My partner is a great lady but way more in shape than me and it was clearly obvious. But I did it. Somehow.

I'm sitting here with my heating pad thing on my legs, hoping I my thighs don't hurt like hell tomorrow. My abs are so sore but that doesn't bother me. If anything it makes me happy because at least that shows I still have muscles underneath all the flab and I'm obviously using them.

Today I go and get my nails done. I am so happy. I took a break while my manicurist/hair stylist was on maternity leave. I have missed my nails! And I'm getting my brows waxed, I'm in desperate need and she's going to fix the hack job I did on my bangs. Maybe once I get all purtied up I'll feel better.

My sister is off work today and tomorrow. We're planning to have lunch tomorrow. It's been forever since we have done anything alone. Our relationship has been so different since Mom died, sometimes I feel that Mom was the glue that held us together. It's better now than it was. For awhile I didn't even want to talk to her, we grieved so differently. With time hurt, feelings have a way of healing and I think that's where we are now.

Junior told me last night that his sister is having a birthday party this weekend for her 2nd child. I hate to admit that I don't want to freaking go. And part of me doesn't feel we should have to, there have been many a birthday party for my kids that she didn't come to with no phone call or anything. It wouldn't be so bad but everything is this big, damn production. I mean, just have some cake and ice cream and let the kid open her presents, that's all they want anyway. Can you tell she and I are like oil and water? Her husband is the sort that will sit in a room with you and never speak to you. I have even seen how long I could go without him actually talking to me and I think it was well over a year and honestly, the last real conversation I had with him was probably 9 years ago. I'm not kidding.

And the thing is, they are both Christians, heavily involved in their church and you'll never meet a more judgmental couple. Their holier than thou attitude really gets me. Junior and I aren't raising our children right because we let them go trick or treating (the horror!) and they can watch Harry Potter (gasp!) and we let them watch Sponge Bob (heathens!). And the thing is, their children are 3 of the most fearful kids ever. At Halloween time, they can't even go into certain stores because the jack-o-lanterns and decorations scare them. Hell, Junior and I love taking our kids into the Halloween store that's in the mall every year and we try our best to scare them ourselves.

Oh well, we can't all be the same.

I'm off to read some blogs. Tell me about your weekend, do anything? Stay at home? Get drunk? Just let me know you're out there.

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Aren't they purty?

Standing

The weekend is coming to a close, how quickly it's gone by.

I'm finding myself not wanting to face the upcoming week. Not that I have anything particularly daunting and it's not going to be any busier than normal. I just don't want to face it.

I'm very out of sorts, I think it's PMS. I don't know because I don't keep track of my cycle. I do know that I start with PMS a week before.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to try a new antidepressant or maybe I need an increase on what I take. I don't know. I don't want to take more pills than I already do.

All I know is that last night was a bad night for me. I won't go into some of my thoughts because I don't like to verabalize them in any way. I just don't like feeling like I'm holding on by a thread sometimes. It's not everyday and hormones do play a big part at times, other times I don't know why I get that way.

I am a worrier, I worry over every little thing, drives me nuts. I think I even worry subconciously. I have some things coming up that are on my mind a lot-Trev's surgery, my mother-in-law's surgery, work stuff.

I'm really missing my mother, it's like I go through phases where I miss her so much, other times it's not so bad. I guess because I have Trev's surgery coming up. Whenever I'm going through something hard, she's on my mind a lot. I miss her support.

When I get really down like I have been since yesterday, I think of her. I think of how she never gave up, how she fought until the very end and how angry she would be with me for even thinking like I do. Quitting, giving up is not an option. And I know that she would want me to live life to it's fullest, to be there for her grandchildren. That's how I honor her.

When I think of her and look at her life, I realize how lucky I am to have my life. My mother was forced at the young age of 14 to marry my father. She was looking forward to high school, to playing field hockey and singing in the choir. Instead she was forced by her mother to get married because her mother wanted her out of the house, wanted all the kids out of the house and she systematically went about doing that. My grandmother decided to tell my father that my mother was pregnant, even though she wasn't and when Mom objected, my grandmother smacked her so hard she flew across the kitchen and told her she would marry my father and that was that. (And so you know, I did not hear this from my mother, my aunt told me.) So she got married and got pregnant soon after but if you do the math, you know that mom wasn't pregnant with my sister when they got married.

I often wonder if Dad even realizes the truth.

I was an adult when I was told that story and it still leaves me with this sick feeling in my stomach. I can't imagine how my mother must have felt, how she was never given a chance to just be herself, to be young.

My parents separated when I was just shy of 16 so they had been divorced for awhile before I ever knew the truth behind their getting married. But still it made me so sad. I even found myself wondering if they had loved each other at all. They were together for over 20 years before Dad left but I still doubted everything.

I was born 12 years after my sister so I was very much my mother's baby. I just think with me she was older, more prepared to be a mother. But I found myself wondering was I conceived in love or did she feel trapped, like she had to have another child because Dad wanted one?

When I was cleaning out Mom's house after she died, I found a little card, the kind that comes with a bouqet of flowers. It was from the roses my father sent her when I was born and after reading it, I knew then that even though they started out wrong and ended even more so, there was a time when they loved each other. In some of the photos of when I was a baby, there are pictures of this vase of roses and I always wondered what they were, after finding the card, I understood.

So, even though I have my days when standing tough isn't something I want to do for me, I think of my mother and my children and I do it for them.

Day Off

I'm back from my day off. I scrapbooked for 10 hours. Well, not the entire 10 hours. I spent a lot of time just sitting there, trying to get my creative juices going. It was hard. I just wasn't in the frame of my mind. Usually I'll go to Michael's and get stickers and paper the day before. I start thinking about what I want to do beforehand. This week just wasn't a good one to get prepared.

I did like getting out of the house and just being still, being quiet. I didn't have to cook or clean up.

The roads were icy this morning. I think the bad weather caught everyone off guard, we were only supposed to get rain. I saw several cars in ditches and a man at a nearby town drowned in a ditch full of water when he wrecked and flipped his truck into it.

I ate badly all day. I even ate a donut and I don't like donuts all that much. It's just so discouraging, I feel like I'm never going to get this eating thing under control. I feel like I can only do one thing at a time. I'm either eating well and not exercising. Or exercising well and eating like shit. Of course, one cancels out the other if they are out of balance.

I'm just so damn tired of food having this hold over me.

Honestly, I'm just tired.

Debating whether to visit the gym tomorrow and just walk on the treadmill since exercise does seem to help my mood.

I guess when you're tired, everything just seems hard.

I'm just angry with myself for continuing to do things to myself that aren't good. Why do I? Do I not feel that I'm worthy enough? Or I am just too damn lazy to do what I need to? Because it's hard, even painful at times.

I try to put things in perspective. In the grand scheme of my life, when I look at things that I've had to do, losing weight isn't the hardest. Taking care of my dying mother was hard. If I can do that, I can do anything.

I think I need my comfy, warm bed and a good book.

Holy Guacomole Batman!

I'm sure after a title like that you're expecting some great, exciting post.

I don't have one.

I've just drank a little too much white wine.

And I'm happy that I have my laptop back. Did you know that my laptop has a button that turns off the wireless?

I didn't. So I paid my computer guy to come here and flip a switch.

I did order a new desktop computer though, the kids are psyched. Our desktop is old and I've been putting off getting a new one. But it's time.

I think I'm getting sick too. Maybe it's just allergies. I've been sneezing all day. And now my nose is running. As long as that's all I get I'm good. I just don't want Abby's sore throat.

It is raining like crazy here. Some parts of the state are getting snow. Which is weird because just 2 days ago it was 80 degrees. I'm ready for spring, sunshine, warm weather. It can't get here soon enough.

I don't think I like this white wine. It's a Pinot Grigio. But the taste isn't bad enough to stop me from sucking it down.

Have you heard about the two 6th graders in Indiana that were having sex in the classroom with the teacher present? WTF? Other students in the class were standing guard so the two could do it. God, when you hear things like that you just want to keep your kids home. Trev will be in 6th grade next year, moving up to the middle school and I know what he will be exposed to. Just because I know what Ally has seen and heard since being there. I just try and use those situations as an opportunity to talk, as awkward as it is.

I think the thing that surprises me the most about kids today is the oral sex thing. Girls go down on guys like it's kissing or something. It's no big deal. I really do not understand that but it's not considered sex to them. And even though they don't get anything in return, other than a mouth full, it's a status thing. I'm very upfront with Ally about it, how the only thing you won't get from oral sex is pregnant. You can still get every disease and even if physically you are still a virgin, emotionally you're not.

Man, my thoughts are all over the place tonight.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to finish my glass of wine.

No Title Cuz I'm Lazy

So far today has been a much better day. Of course it's only 10am but hey, it's a good start.

I went to the gym and this class was much better. I paced myself and I left the class thinking that maybe, just maybe I could do this.

I'm happy to report I can now sit, walk, just generally move without pain. Of course tomorrow I will probably be curled up with the heating pad but at least, today is better. I won't have to hold my pee for as long as possible because sitting on the toilet and then standing up won't cause me to be near tears.

Cuz for a girl like me, holding your pee isn't a good thing.

Abby is still sick though her fevers are coming down. She actually ate breakfast this morning. And do you know that the school is going to make her finish her MSA test next week? I mean, just mark her down as zero or something.

Trev is having a friend come over and he's staying the whole weekend. Trev is so excited, he gets tired of being around just his sisters. His friend, Matt, is great, just goes with the flow and fits right in around here.

Ally might be going to the movies tonight with friends. The girl from school, the one she fought with has decided she wants to be all buddy buddy with Ally again. Not. That's what happened before, she sucked Ally back in and just plunged the knife deeper as soon as Ally let her guard down. She and I have come up with this saying-Don't Be Stupid= which we abbreviate to DBS because that's what all the kids do. Abbreviate so they don't have to type out so much when they text or IM. I need to go to her myspace and leave a message that says Remember DBS!!!

Of course then all her friend would want to know what that meant.

They all think I'm half crazy anyway.

If they only knew.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go scrapbooking. All day. My sister is a Creative Memories consultant and she's doing a fundraiser for her mother-in-law's church. I plan on being there when the doors open and not leaving until they close. I need to get around some adults, preferably people without fevers and lots of snot.

I'm hoping my computer man comes today and gets my wireless straight. I am so missing using my laptop.

I think there is truth in exercise helping your mood. I can't believe how much better I feel having gone. Of course I do think 90% of my good mood is not being in pain anymore. I hope I never do that to myself again. I just need to tell myself DBS Ty, DBS!

I'm off to get some caffeine (don't tell my trainers) and then I need to disinfect this place.

Down

I'm at work, finishing up our bills. Abby is here with me, glued into a Scooby Doo movie. Her fever has come down right now, though it seems to do that and then go up suddenly. 3:30 this morning it was 102.8, she was sweating like crazy and all around miserable.

I have to admit I'm feeling out of sorts myself.

I think I've just a got a case of the poor me's.

I'm still sore but not so bad now. That has gotten me down. I cannot imagine having chronic pain, having several days of hurting with each step really makes you think about those who don't have an end in sight when it comes to pain.

I didn't do very well eating yesterday. I did fine until the late afternoon which is my worst time. I don't know what it is about that time of day, I always want to eat. Maybe because I'm tired? I hit that mid-day slump so maybe I eat to gain some energy? That wouldn't be a bad thing except I want to eat things that will only take what little energy I have left.

I'm nervous about going to exercise tomorrow. I'm afraid I'll overdo it again. I worry they may expect too much, more than I can give. Even though I felt like they worked with me on my level somewhat, I do know now that I did go too far. I've emailed my trainer but he hasn't gotten back with me yet.

I guess I'm just feeling down on being so damn out of shape. I start wondering if I can really get better. I hate feeling this way.

I've also got some things going on with changes at work. Things that make me feel very insecure, unsure of my future. I will go into it further another time, I really can't right now cuz I am at work. Basically this all comes down to a matter of trust which I'm not good about. At all.

I'll be back later, I want to finish up here and take Abby home. I think her fever has gone up.

Tired

Last night Abby started running a high fever and became confused. So much so that I called the pediatrician. She was off her rocker, talking about little flying things, laughing, flapping her arms. She's my third child so I've been through many fevers but I have never, ever had one of my kids act like that because of one. It truly scared me.

I just got back from the pediatrician, she does not have strep. Just a whopping viral throat infection. So basically we have to just wait this out and I'm to keep her dosed up on motrin and add tylenol if her fever goes above 102 again.

I did not go exercise this morning. I was up and could've gone but her fever was 103.4 at that point and I was not leaving her. She was miserable.

Plus I think may have overdone it with the exercise, my thighs hurt so bad, especially my left one, that it hurts to walk. I've been stiff and sore before but this takes the cake. I keep thinking of all those people on the Biggest Loser, how do they work out like they do and not hurt? I mean, is it normal to hurt this badly?

I just hope I'm better by Friday or may have to skip that class. Or maybe I need to go in there tomorrow and tell them how damn sore I am so that way they know I just can't push it. I mean, now I'm starting to think signing up for this has been a bad idea. I want to get in shape, I don't want to hurt myself.

I am so tired, I was up all night. Every time Abby would mumble I would jump awake. I haven't had a night like this with one of my kids since they were toddlers.

I'm off to check some blogs and then I'm laying my ass down for awhile.

So Depressing

I knew I was out of shape but God, it's depressing to see by how much.

I went for my eval and I've been down in the dumps ever since.

I keep telling myself, be positive, you're trying to make things better.

But it's hard. I can't believe I have let myself, my health go so badly.

And on top of everything else, my blood pressure was high. Pretty darn high. I don't know if it's because I was nervous. Nervous about being evaluated, nervous about the thought of having exercise induced asthma. The last time I went to the doctor my blood pressure was a tad high but I was sick and running a fever so my doctor wasn't too concerned considering I've never had high blood pressure before.

I've been having headaches a lot which isn't normal for me. Especially if I'm in a stressful situation, I'll get one suddenly. Could that be blood pressure related?

I guess I now have to research high blood pressure.

I went ahead and signed up for 3 months of the group personal training classes. I will go Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings for one hour each day. On Tuesday and Thursday I will just go and walk or do the elliptical.

I'm nervous about tomorrow morning's class. I know it will be challenging and I worry that I might push it too hard. The blood pressure thing has scared the shit about of me.

Abby is feeling horrible and I don't think it's croup. I think she may have strep throat. She started complaining of her throat being sore so I looked in there with a flash light. Not good. White patches and swollen tonsils. So we'll be heading to the pediatrician tomorrow and I just know she's gonna cut up when it's time for the strep test.

My wireless is not working on my lap top. I don't know why sometimes it just stops working. Totally pisses me off but I guess it's a good thing. I won't be on the computer as much since I have to share our one lousy desk top with Ally who thinks she owns it.

Off to figure out dinner.

This Is Cool!

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Sick Day

Looks like I have a day at home today. Abby is running a fever and I think she has croup. Just another sign that spring is on it's way.

Right now at school my kids are taking the MSA test which is this huge deal. The teachers are all stressed, the principals are stressed. They send home notes daily reminding us to feed our children breakfast, have them get proper rest and most importantly, they have to attend school.

Like that's not important all year?

So I'm sure I will be getting a phone call as to why Abby is not in school. I could care less because this test irritates me anyway. I feel like the teachers are forced to teach to the test and the teachers get so much pressure they in turn pressure the kids. And really this test doesn't reflect how the kids are really learning or what they have learned. But what can I really do? Homeschool?

Not. I don't have the patience.

Yesterday was the first day I've managed to stay on plan with my eating in like forever. Mainly because I was so damn tired all day from getting up at 4:15am and then exercising to the point of near death that I was not going to ruin all that hard work for a sleeve of fig newtons.

My legs are so stiff and sore today and so are the backs of my arms. I was a bit concerned yesterday though. I had a cough all day and I was even wheezing some. I have not been sick either and it started by the time I got home from the gym and lasted all day. I do not have asthma and have never had asthma. But I ended up using my daughter's inhaler when I got home from work and it did help. I have been a little congested, I think it might be allergies. So I'm not sure what is going on, I feel better this morning. I don't know if it had something to do with going from the hot gym out into the cold air when I left. I wasn't coughing during my workout.

Maybe I wasn't hydrated enough prior to my workout. I went online and googled coughing after exercise and apparently that can be an indication of exercise induced asthma. WTF? So who the hell knows. That's going to piss me off though, I've finally worked up enough nerve to go to a gym and now I might have to worry about exercise induced asthma.

But now that Abby isn't feeling well, it kinda makes me wonder if I have something too and it just coincided with working out.

Today I'm supposed to go for my evaluation with a trainer so we can go over things, take my measurements. I was reading the sheet and it said something about doing a VO2 reading so I googled that too and all I could find was that I'm going to get hooked up to a machine and I have to run or something.

I don't run. I'm out of shape, I have big boobs (I'm wearing two exercise bras to keep the girls in place) and I have a weak bladder. I'm one of those women who has to cross my legs when I sneeze or cough real hard. I wore a pad to exercise just in case, it's that bad. And yes, I know there is surgery to correct that but I'm scared of anesthesia so I refuse to be put under for anything less than a life saving procedure. So I put up with peeing myself.

Plus I'm damned sore today and I'm not coughing but I still feel like something is rattling around in my chest. And I really want to take the class tomorrow morning so if I overdo it today, I don't know if I'll be able to.

I'm gonna go though and I'll just have to tell the guy. We can do part of my evaluation and do the rest next week or something. I'm not going to hurt myself.

I guess I should go do laundry and clean up around here since I'm actually home. I'd rather play some poppit though.

Help

I think my legs are about to fall off.

I'm not kidding.

I went to that damn exercise class this morning.

Dear God in heaven, I think they were trying to kill me.

My legs were shaking so bad, I guess from the exertion. It reminded me of the transition stage of childbirth.

But I stuck it out.

I am so out of shape. It's almost depressing.

And the trainers were totally cool with letting me do things at my pace. I never once felt weird about that. And I was all worried that people would be staring but honestly, I don't think they were. You're too busy keeping your own self straight to be worrying about anyone else. But if anyone did look, I could've cared less. I had more things to be worried about. Like not falling out.

So, tomorrow I'm supposed to have my evaluation and I don't know if Rob, the trainer, expects me to do much exercise but I have feeling I will hardly be able to move by then.

Wednesday morning is the next training session, this time it will be an exercise class. I wonder if I will be able to move by Wednesday.

The gym has this smoothie/shake bar and I think the one girl could tell I needed something so she fixed me this berry smoothie with a shot of fat blaster. It was so good and totally what I needed. I was sucking that thing down so fast I got brain freeze.

Even though my legs are so weak, walking is not much fun and my lungs still feel weird from sucking in so much air, I'm glad I went. There was a moment while I was in the class that I wanted to leave, I started thinking that this was too much, that I'd bit off more than I could chew. Instead though I just brought my level down to where I felt better, I'll work up from there.

I'm glad that I once again pushed past my fear. With each step, I'm starting to think maybe, just maybe I can do this. That I can do anything really, if I just step out and don't give up.

Well......

I had good hotel sex.

I spent some money.

I ate too much food.

And I drank some margaritas.

All in all it was a good time.

Tell me about your weekend.

See You Tomorrow

Junior and I have an unexpected day and night to ourselves. We're off to PA, maybe even for the night depending on how tired we are. I've got us all packed just in case.

Maybe some hot hotel sex is what we need to change things up a little?

I'll check in with everyone tomorrow.

I Think I Can

I'm about to step out and do something that I've wanted to do for a long time. I've always let my fears, my insecurities stop me.

I'll be back later to update.

Do you think I did it? Or did I chicken out once again?

************************************************************************************
Update: Chelle, you were right, I did it!

So I guess you're wondering what in the world I could be talking about? What is the big deal?

I joined a gym.

You might be thinking, that's it, you joined a gym?

Well, this is something I've wanted to do for years but have never had the courage. I think I even blogged how about a month ago I went to the gym and made it no farther than the parking lot. I could not even get out of my van.

But I did it today.

I was so nervous. I think I sat in my van for at least 10 minutes, going back and forth about it.

I was having one of those moments where I was having this good cop, bad cop kind of conversation with myself:

Get a grip, what's the worst thing that could happen?

People might stare, think you're a fat ass, all those skinny girls will laugh you right out of there.

Somehow I was able to find enough courage and go inside.

Immediately I was put at ease by a very nice woman who showed me around, had me talk to one of the trainers and I decided to sign up.

I even stayed and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I did not know there were treadmills that actually have tv's in them, that was so cool!

Now the next thing I'm going back and forth about is the group personal training classes they offer. I can attend one for free on Monday from 5:15am-6:15am. First, that is so damn early, I mean, I don't even talk to anyone that early let alone exercise. Two, I'm out of shape and don't want to fall out in front of an entire class. The trainer reassured me that I wouldn't get worked that hard but I don't know.

The group personal training classes are at extra cost, basically you're paying for the trainers. Now there are exercise classes that are included in the monthly fee I pay so I could go that route.

I did find out that my neighbor attends the early morning training class and she's a lot bigger than me so if she can do it, I guess I could.

On Tuesday I meet with a trainer for an evaluation, take my measurements, weigh me. Oh joy. Part of me is like, I don't need an evaluation, can't you see I'm fat? But it would be nice to meet with someone and go over a plan I could follow.

I don't know what to do about the training class. It's like, I've conquered one hurtle, now I need to decide if I want to conquer another and actually take a class like that.

And really, this is so much more than just joining a gym. This is about me stepping out and facing a big fear of mine head on and actually doing something about it. For years I have let so many of my fears rule my life. I'm very afraid of rejection, of ridicule.

I have carried so much shame from as far back as I can remember. Shame from a lot of my actions when I was younger, then shame for being overweight. I still to this day have a hard time looking a person in the eye, I guess because I'm afraid of what I might see. I might see the rejection or ridicule I fear.

I am learning that you teach people how to treat you. (That was totally Dr. Phil.) If I walk around hanging my head in shame, how can I expect anyone to think positively about me? If I can't hold a conversation with someone and look them in the eye, how can I expect them to even be nice?

One step at a time. I will make it.

Chosen

Last night I was doing some journaling work and I had a light bulb moment or a revelation.

I've chosen to keep my life as it is.

I've chosen to not take the steps to live my life to the fullest.

I've chosen to wallow in my depression. Yes, I have depression that requires medication. But I can choose to do little things to help myself, like going outside and getting some fresh air or taking a nap. I can journal my feelings rather than keeping them in and feeling sorry for myself.

I've chosen to believe that I can't change my life, that I'm destined to be unhappy.

I will blog more about how I reached this revelation on A Healthier Us if you'd like to stop by and read about it.

But what it comes down to is that I've chosen to be right where I am today, unhappy, anxious and angry.

Which means I can choose to be happy, thankful, determined.

It's up to me.

Another Snow Day

I cannot believe they cancelled school today. It is just now starting to snow, the roads are fine, there is no accumulation. None. I guess the powers that be are damned if they do, damned if they don't.

I came into work to at least get something done. Well, that and to get away for a little while from my bickering kids.

I guess now you can tell I will never win mother of the year. My kids can and do drive me nuts with the fighting and if I can get away for just a little while, I'm gonna.

We nearly froze last night at lacrosse practice, it was so damn cold. And some kids were there in shorts. Shorts! It was barely 30 degrees and windy. The one girl's legs were turning blue. But when you're young, having your extremities nearly freeze is no big deal. What's a little frost bite when you looked totally hot in your daisy dukes?

All of the boys on Trev's team were there except for one. I knew he wouldn't show because his mom told me at soccer that she did not see the sense in having the boys out in the cold. Well, she has a point but they do wear a lot of gear which helps them stay warm and they need to be able to practice in the cold to be able to play in the cold because it will still be cold when we start games. She was also complaining how her son will probably get halfway into the season and not want to play and he'll fight her on getting to practice and she just can't deal with that. Then don't sign him up or have my attitude-your kid asked to sign up, you paid the fees, bought the equipment, made the commitment to the team, you're gonna finish the season and you don't have to play again next year or ever for that matter.

I know kids will fight you on things from time to time. You should see my house when it's time for homework. But they get over it and do what they are supposed to do. I hate fighting with them on stuff but God, no one said parenting would be a bed of roses all the time.

On another note, my blogging friend Chelle and one of her friends, who I hope becomes one of my friends too have started a new support group blog for weight loss. Come on over to A Healthier Us and join in if you are like most of us and trying to get a little less fat or in my case, a lot less fat.

Cooties?

Well, I just paid $20 so that Trev can go back to school tomorrow. He went out in the woods with Junior on Sunday and yesterday he woke up with 4 bug bites. This morning they were still there but no different and he went to school, just like yesterday. His teacher sent him to the nurse, saying it's poison ivy. The nurse had no idea what it was and said I needed to take him to the doctor and I needed to have a doctor's note in order for him to come back. And that maybe I needed to send him with benadryl.

The boy can't take benadryl and stay in school. The stuff knocks him out. As we speak, he's sound asleep on the floor in front of the tv after just one dose.

I guess they thought he had major cooties or something.

Five minutes after receiving the phone call from Trev's school, Ally's school called, she was in the nurses's office, not feeling well and I needed to come get her. She has been fighting another head cold since last week and sure enough she has another sinus infection. She just had one in February so now she's on ceftin for a month.

Needless to say I didn't get to work much this morning.

Now I just need to remember to go pick Abby up from school so she won't have to ride the bus alone. God, I hope I don't forget.

Tonight is lacrosse practice, I doubt Ally will be able to go. Abby also has Brownies and we have to go because I need to get the rest of the cookie money so I can deposit it and be done with it all tomorrow and it's our turn to bring snack and drink. So we'll stay at lacrosse until the last minute and head up to the meeting.

I have no idea what I'm cooking for dinner tonight. Here I said that I was going to be more organized so our busy nights will be easier.

We might get some snow tonight or tomorrow, 1-3 inches possibly. I hope we don't get any because I really don't want to get stuck home tomorrow.

I'm not doing so great with my eating. I have found two great support groups on ediets, one focuses on emotional eating and the other on binge eating. One thing I have figured out through the years, is that my weight is not just about the food. And I also know that I will never truly get the remainder of my weight off and keep it off, if I don't address my emotional issues regarding food. So, I'm going to keep trying, I can't give up. I keep telling myself that I'm worth it.

I would love to join a gym but I can't get past my fear of being different, being looked at, talked about. I know it's a matter of just walking my butt in there and checking it out but I haven't been able to. One day I even went there and sat in the parking lot. I couldn't make myself get out of the van so I left. I was so disappointed in myself and I haven't told a soul until now that I did that.

Maybe one of these days I'll get the guts to face my fears, to step out and try new things even if I'm afraid.

Humble

This morning at work was strange.

I had a local homeless woman come in asking to use my phone. In our area we don't have many homeless people, but we do have them, we just don't have any shelters. So when this lady, who I've seen walking the roads many times, came in asking to use the phone to get her transportation straight to a homeless shelter about 30 minutes away, I was more than willing to help her. The weather has turned very cold again and if I could help her get to a warm, safe place, I was going to.

She never reached anyone, just left a message. Then she started begging for money for a cup of coffee from the Royal Farms next door, that way she could wait inside the store and stay warm. I gave a her couple of dollars and she went on her way.

About 20 minutes later, she comes back. She needed more money to put gas in the girl's truck to get her to the shelter. I decided to go next door with her to see what was going on.

Well, this young girl had come there because her mother told her to but she was not allowed to take the woman anywhere unless the woman paid for the gas. Apparently, Pam (the homeless woman) had told this girl's mother that she had $20 for gas. But she didn't or said she didn't. This girl told me that Pam and her boyfriend (who was also there even though he didn't come in to my office, I thought Pam was alone) have drinking problems and they've known both of them for years and this happens all the time. The girl said that her mom has reached her limit with them and even though it appears hard hearted, they just can't give them anything more.

The boyfriend walked over to us and God, the alcohol fumes coming off of him. I could tell he was intoxicated.

I told both of them that I would put gas in the girl's truck but I was not going to give them any money. The girl told me no, that she would not take my money. I asked her if she thought getting them to the shelter would help them, she shook her head no and said they've taken them there many times and they come right back. It's a never ending cycle.

So, I walked away. I feel bad, like I should've done more. But I also know enabling isn't good either.

My hearts go out to them because I understand them. I understand what it's like to hit bottom, to have nothing.

See, even though I have a good life today. It wasn't always that way. I was just able to get my life turned around.

There's a lot that I can't go into here, I still carry a lot of shame with some things, even though I don't live that way anymore and have no desire to, I still feel ashamed.

But I know, that could've been me. Every time I see someone that just can't break free, I always think of that.

By the grace of God go I.

True Confessions

They say confession is good for the soul.

Here are a few of my true confessions:

• I pay some of my bills late, mainly because I don't take the time to sit down every week and get them paid.
• I can eat an entire box of powdered Donettes.
• I compare myself to almost every woman I see, I always come up lacking.
• I have at times felt resentment toward my husband because his upbringing was the total opposite of mine and because of that he doesn't understand a lot of my issues.
• I used to attend church every week, I was one of those bible carrying fundamental Christians. Until my mom died. Now I guess I would be considered a slacker Christian.

What are some of your true confessions?

Untitled

I have chili cooking in the crock pot, a load of laundry in the washer and dryer, dishwasher is humming away full of every dish we own-I'm not kidding. I think the kids used a new dish for every single thing they ate yesterday.

I need to go to the store because we have one roll of toilet paper left in the entire house and that will not last long. I also need some Diet Coke because I drink way too much of the stuff.

Trev has homework to do, we have to play this fraction game. I hate fractions, he hates fractions. I hate weekend homework too. The teacher says this is in preparation for middle school. Ally has never had weekend homework, other than to work on a project, since she's been in middle school.

Did I tell you I scheduled Trev's tonsillectomy for April 6th? Every time I think about it, I have to swallow the lump in my throat. I do not want him to have surgery. I hate anesthesia, even though Trev had a hernia repair when he was 3 and made out just fine. I keep wondering if maybe we should wait but then the older you are, the worse you feel with the surgery. And he has been sick a lot this past year. And my sister will be right there with him, she's a nurse and the director of same day surgery to boot. I know he'll be fine and well taken care of and this is a minor surgery, nothing compared to what a lot of children have to face. So I need to get a grip, right?

Ally's best friends, Shannon and Morgan are in huge trouble. Yesterday they both got in a car with a boy their age, which is 13 by the way, and rode all over town. They got caught by a mom of someone they went to pick up, the police were called. Sounds like a big mess. Ally is so mad because now they are punished which means they all can't hang out.

Just another benefit to living out in the sticks, it's not so easy to come to our house and just pick someone up.

Long Day

We just got back from the funeral.

Mr. E was a blue grass singer and passed his love of the music to my sister's stepson, Clay. Clay can't read one note of music, he taught himself to play the guitar by ear. Every picnic I've ever attended at my sister's house, Clay and Mr. E would play for everyone.

Today, in tribute of his grandfather, Clay and two other men that Mr. E would play with, played and sang 3 songs. I don't know how Clay got through it, he started getting upset but he never stopped.

What a wonderful way to honor his grandfather, it was awesome.

I cried which I hate doing in front of people. See, I'm not a pretty crier. My face gets all blotchy and my nose runs. I was fighting the tears so hard but when Clay started getting upset, that was it. I got all hitchy, ready to just bust out and bawl. I didn't go that far though.

He was buried in a cemetary that overlooks a pond. It's one of those old cemetaries, the oldest burial dating back to 1691. You find that a lot in this area, at the church cemetaries mostly. Mr. E served in the navy so there were 2 sailors there that folded the flag from his casket and presented it to Mrs. E. When Taps was played, I almost lost it again.

At the wake, I ate carbs. Lots of them. I doubt I'll get back on plan today either.

There's always tomorrow, right?

My heart goes out to the family. I remember how I felt right after Mom died, glad she wasn't suffering anymore but wanting her back all the same. How hard it was to walk away from the casket for the last time, knowing that was it, the final good-bye.

Somehow you get through it though, with the love from your family and close friends. At first it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, going through the everyday mundane things. Slowly, you heal.

Being Home

It's 11am on a Friday and I'm actually home. It feels awesome. Usually I run all my errands on Fridays. I did my grocery shopping yesterday because I wanted to be home today after I finished up with my cookie mom duties this morning.

The cookie thing is almost over, tomorrow is the last day to sell and by Tuesday we have to have all our deposits in and paperwork done. This year was a lot harder then last year even though we had no idea what we were doing last year. This year has been a struggle with getting money from the moms and that is a pain in the ass. Then we had one mom return her unsold boxes today which she's not supposed to do and we really shouldn't have taken them but if we hadn't, she wouldn't have paid for them, she doesn't have the money. Granted, we could fill out a paper and have Council go after her but we're not going to do that. She did this last year too, even though we told her she couldn't do it again. I guess the rules don't apply to her.

I have managed to eat my low carb breakfast. It was good. I chopped up some canadian bacon and cooked it in olive oil. I scrambled 2 eggs with 2 tbsp heavy cream and then added it to the bacon and cooked them together. Yummy.

It feels so good to sit here right now. No one is home. I have my comfy clothes on. I do miss being home but I know if I stayed at home again I would miss getting out of the house to work sometimes.

I often wonder if I made the right decision in going back to work outside the home. My life is busier now with the kids then ever before. I could never work full time though, there is no way I'd manage. Well, I guess I'd manage but I wouldn't be able to do all that do now. Even though I work outside the home, I still have all the same responsibilities that I did before when I was home. It's my fault though so I try not to bitch too much. I hate asking for help so I end up doing everything myself. If I see something that needs to be done, I just do it.

I don't keep house like I used to though and I'm always behind in my laundry. The dishes pile up too. I get stressed about it because I prefer a somewhat tidy home, I don't expect perfect and immaculate. I just feel like I'm never home and when I am home, I'm tired or busy with homework and trying to get to some other activity.

I know I'm not alone though. I'm sure every woman reading this gets where I'm coming from.

You know the worst thing about trying to eat better and watch my carbs, I have to watch my alcohol intake too. I think I'm not supposed to drink at all for awhile, not that I follow all the rules. Yeah, I'm a rebel like that. It's just been awhile since I've had a glass of wine and I know after attending the funeral and dealing with all those emotions, I'm gonna want to have a drink or three.

I think Junior would love for me to have a drink or three. He likes me a little tipsy, I guess I'm more adventureous (is that spelled wrong?) and things in the lovin' department have been a little, well, near nonexistent lately. I don't know why really. He's tired, I'm tired. And honestly, I wouldn't mind gettin' a little this weekend at some point.

I wonder if there is low carb wine? I know there's low carb beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade has one that's lower calorie, lower carbs. I found a recipe for low sugar, low carb margaritas.

I guess it's time for me to go be productive, get something done other than blogging and playing poppit.

This and That

I am so tired right now but I can't bring myself to get out of the chair and go to bed.

I bit the bullet and joined ediets today. I was a member there a couple of years ago and it seems a little different. The one thing I like is how it gives you a meal plan with recipes and a shopping list to print out. Not that I follow the meal plan exactly, I just use it as a guide.

All I know is I've got to get the rest of this weight off. I'm tired of feeling like a fat ass. I want to feel healthy and well.

Tomorrow night I'm going to my sister's father-in-laws viewing. I hate viewings. When my mom died we had a private viewing, only immediate family. Mom was very clear about her feelings on viewings. Her words were "I don't want to be on no damn display."

Viewings are awkward. I don't mind going to the family, offering my condolences but usually they are near the body and then you're kind of expected to, you know, view the person. I don't like viewing dead people. But you can't really not do it because then you may appear rude or uncaring. So you do it and it's like, ok, I'm standing here looking at a dead person, what am I supposed to do? Of course if you're at viewing where there's lots of people, you can kind of do a quick drive-by kind of thing and no one really notices. You're only being polite and not holding up the line.

Personally, I am like my mother. I don't care of my immediate family views me, it is a kind of closure for a lot of people. I don't care whether I'm buried or cremated. If I'm buried, put me in a pine box. If I'm cremated, put me in a metal box. Nothing fancy, nothing expensive.

I used to be totally creeped out about cremation. But when my mom died, I realized how our bodies aren't who we are, it's just the shell that carries our souls, our spirits. When my mom died, I knew the second she was gone because she looked different immediately. Her soul had left, she had left.

Mom was cremated and at the time it bothered me a little. I just didn't allow myself to really go there because I knew it wasn't her, just her body.

Junior wants to be buried because he can't get past the being burned thing. I guess he'd rather have his body eaten by worms and other creepy crawlies. But if that's what he wants....

Speaking of Junior, can you hear him snoring right now? God, I swear he's sucking all the oxygen out of this room.

And I still swear I smell skunk. I worried all day that I smelled like Peppy LePew, I totally know that is spelled wrong but I don't care. Do you remember that cartoon?

I really need to go to bed. I'm so tired I'm getting loopy. Can't you tell?

Country Living

I mentioned that we live in the woods so we have all kinds of animals that come around. Deer, squirrels, fox, turkeys, rabbits.

And skunks.

Last night I let our dog out for his final time and the stench almost knocked me over. It literally made my eyes water.

You know it's bad when my dog did not want to be outside in it. I mean, my dog eats cat poop so you would think bad smells wouldn't matter to him.

Even though I shut our door as soon as I caught a whiff, I swear the smell was seeping inside.

Trev, my mighty hunter son, said "I'm gonna kill that skunk. He could spray me or the dog or our cats or my four wheeler or the trampoline!"

Ally, my animal rights activist, said "But what if the skunk didn't really mean to do it? What if a loud sound scared it and it just slipped out? That wouldn't be fair, he can't help it."

Abby, my optimist in all things, said "Don't we get to take a bath in tomato juice though if we get sprayed? Wouldn't that be fun? We could pretend we're covered in blood, that the boogey man got us and we could make a movie or something. I think I want to get sprayed by a skunk just so I can do that!"

Aren't kids great?