It looks like Junior and I will not be going away for a weekend in March. His mom is going to have surgery, we found out yesterday. She has been struggling with getting her atrial fibrillation under control since September. She's had two cardioversions, the first one sent a large blood clot (that they did not see when they did the scope beforehand, it was tucked away in a little pocket) to her leg and she was in the hospital for 7 days. She came very close to losing her foot. But it was miracle the clot went to her leg, normally clots from the heart go directly to the brain, if it had, it would've killed her. She's been on several different medications and the only one that worked is one that can have irreversible side effects if taken for too long. So we knew surgery was going to happen at some point, just not so soon. On Monday she went back into a-fib again, went to see her cardiologist yesterday and he wants her to have the surgery soon. Real soon.
I got the results of Trev's bloodwork yesterday. His TSH came down 7 points so it's still a mystery as to what is going on with him. We will have his level retested in one month and if it still high, it's still high now but better, then we will have to go see a pediatric endocrinologist.
I also need to figure out when to schedule his tonsillectomy. The soonest would be April, which could work out with spring break but would be a bummer for him because his birthday is the 10th. Who wants to be down and out with the worst sore throat of your life on your birthday? But he wouldn't miss a week of school. I don't know.
I think Ally may have a new boyfriend. She's all keeping to herself and she's moody. A sure sign she's liking someone. Her grades are improving which is a positive sign that her life is returning to normal. Finally.
Trev has an indoor soccer game all the way out in East BFE. I don't know who decided to put up this sports arena out in the middle of nowhere. He's ready for soccer to be done, his mind is all lacrosse now. I'm ready for soccer to be over because the drive is 45 minutes one way and sometimes we're getting home at 9pm. That's late for a school night.
That's what I get for living in the sticks. We aren't close to anything. But really, I wouldn't have it any other way. I plan on posting some pictures of my home in the snow from Sunday. I tried to catch how the snow sticks to all the trees, it's so beautiful, a winter wonderland. When we get a lot of snow, it gets so quiet, all the sounds are muffled. I love it.
I have one more thing to add before I go. I am hopelessly addicted to the game Poppit on pogo.com. Once I start playing it I can't stop. I'll play a few games and think I really need to stop. Then I'll think, just a one more game, then I'll stop. Before I know it, I've played 25 games. Isn't that just like someone that has a gambling problem? Just one more game.....
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sad
My sister's father-in-law died last night around 11pm. He went peacefully surrounded by his family. It's hard to believe I just saw him at a wedding about a month ago. How quickly things can change.
That's how it was with my mother. She had been fighting cancer for years, starting with breast cancer that eventually went to her brain. We knew with the brain cancer that she would not go into remission, not short of a miracle. She had been in Stage IV cancer for 3 years anyway. It was just a matter of doing treatment to help her live as long as possible. She did pretty good for 8 months and then her health just turned. Within 3 weeks she was gone.
She did not go peacefully. She fought death up until the last second. It was like she finally realized that she wasn't going to win this time and she just let go. You see on tv how people just stop breathing and for some it's just that way. But not everyone.
I knew she was scared and I tried everything I knew to help her. I made sure she was good with God, I reassured her that I would be ok (that was so much a lie and she knew it), I prayed for her, over her. But her fear was all I could feel. I swear when I would enter the room, the fear and panic would overwhelm me. I don't know why I felt that so strongly, no one else seemed to.
Knowing she was so afraid and that no matter what I did helped, nearly wrecked me. All I wanted was for her passing to be a peaceful one just because so much of her life had been hard. Some day I will tell you her story, of how she was forced to marry my father at the tender age of 14, how she became a mother one month after turning 15. So much of her life had been out of her control, choices made for her that changed her life, choices she wouldn't have made herself but was helpless to stop. And then she got cancer, yet another thing in her life beyond her control.
Now that it's been almost 4 years, I am able to look at things a little differently. I know she was afraid, I can't imagine facing death and not feeling fear, even just a little. But I think she just didn't want to leave us. She was very close with my children and my nephew. She wanted to be here and be with them. I think she also knew that my sister and I would have a hard time without her and she didn't want for us to hurt. Isn't that true of any mother?
Sometimes when I'm in that state of just falling asleep, she will come to me. She is so real and she talks to me. I feel like I can almost touch her. I don't always remember what we talk about but it's usually about the kids. It doesn't happen every night. It's usually when I'm going through something. Like right now I'm worried about Trev so it happened last night. Last night was one of the times that it woke me up, I don't remember anything other than just her being there and then I was wide awake. I have to admit her "visits" aren't always a comfort, only because if I wake up right after, like I did last night, I miss her so badly.
I have struggled with feeling so damn lonely since she died. I know that sounds crazy. I have 3 children and a husband. I work for my in-laws and they are a big part of my life. I'm almost always surrounded by people but yet I can feel so alone. And the worst part is when I start feeling really bad, I don't want to be around anyone which only increases my loneliness. When I need to reach out the most, I keep to myself. I think the main reason I do that is because when I feel like that, it's hard for me to appear "normal" and I feel like I need to be "normal" because most people are very uncomfortable if you're not. I'm not a good faker so I just stay home until I can work my ass through it.
I wish I were more sociable. I have friends but I rarely hang out with any of them outside of certain activities. Like sports, Brownies, dance class. There are people at all of those thigns that I like and I talk to them all the time. It's not like I go sit in a corner and ignore everyone. And I usually feel better when I've gone out and been around other people. It's just getting myself out and around people that can be a challenge.
I keep toying with the idea of having like a Sunday dinner party and inviting everyone I know. Whoever shows up shows up, keep it real casual. As much as I would love to do that, there is that part of me that thinks, what if no one shows up? I let that little seed of doubt keep from trying.
Are you sociable? Do you let doubt stop you?
That's how it was with my mother. She had been fighting cancer for years, starting with breast cancer that eventually went to her brain. We knew with the brain cancer that she would not go into remission, not short of a miracle. She had been in Stage IV cancer for 3 years anyway. It was just a matter of doing treatment to help her live as long as possible. She did pretty good for 8 months and then her health just turned. Within 3 weeks she was gone.
She did not go peacefully. She fought death up until the last second. It was like she finally realized that she wasn't going to win this time and she just let go. You see on tv how people just stop breathing and for some it's just that way. But not everyone.
I knew she was scared and I tried everything I knew to help her. I made sure she was good with God, I reassured her that I would be ok (that was so much a lie and she knew it), I prayed for her, over her. But her fear was all I could feel. I swear when I would enter the room, the fear and panic would overwhelm me. I don't know why I felt that so strongly, no one else seemed to.
Knowing she was so afraid and that no matter what I did helped, nearly wrecked me. All I wanted was for her passing to be a peaceful one just because so much of her life had been hard. Some day I will tell you her story, of how she was forced to marry my father at the tender age of 14, how she became a mother one month after turning 15. So much of her life had been out of her control, choices made for her that changed her life, choices she wouldn't have made herself but was helpless to stop. And then she got cancer, yet another thing in her life beyond her control.
Now that it's been almost 4 years, I am able to look at things a little differently. I know she was afraid, I can't imagine facing death and not feeling fear, even just a little. But I think she just didn't want to leave us. She was very close with my children and my nephew. She wanted to be here and be with them. I think she also knew that my sister and I would have a hard time without her and she didn't want for us to hurt. Isn't that true of any mother?
Sometimes when I'm in that state of just falling asleep, she will come to me. She is so real and she talks to me. I feel like I can almost touch her. I don't always remember what we talk about but it's usually about the kids. It doesn't happen every night. It's usually when I'm going through something. Like right now I'm worried about Trev so it happened last night. Last night was one of the times that it woke me up, I don't remember anything other than just her being there and then I was wide awake. I have to admit her "visits" aren't always a comfort, only because if I wake up right after, like I did last night, I miss her so badly.
I have struggled with feeling so damn lonely since she died. I know that sounds crazy. I have 3 children and a husband. I work for my in-laws and they are a big part of my life. I'm almost always surrounded by people but yet I can feel so alone. And the worst part is when I start feeling really bad, I don't want to be around anyone which only increases my loneliness. When I need to reach out the most, I keep to myself. I think the main reason I do that is because when I feel like that, it's hard for me to appear "normal" and I feel like I need to be "normal" because most people are very uncomfortable if you're not. I'm not a good faker so I just stay home until I can work my ass through it.
I wish I were more sociable. I have friends but I rarely hang out with any of them outside of certain activities. Like sports, Brownies, dance class. There are people at all of those thigns that I like and I talk to them all the time. It's not like I go sit in a corner and ignore everyone. And I usually feel better when I've gone out and been around other people. It's just getting myself out and around people that can be a challenge.
I keep toying with the idea of having like a Sunday dinner party and inviting everyone I know. Whoever shows up shows up, keep it real casual. As much as I would love to do that, there is that part of me that thinks, what if no one shows up? I let that little seed of doubt keep from trying.
Are you sociable? Do you let doubt stop you?
Monday, February 26, 2007
Update
The appointment went well and of course he does think Trev should have his tonsils removed. No big surprise there. The earliest it can be done will be April but we may wait until May. Now we just need to get his thyroid situation under control. We should have the results have his bloodwork by no later than Thursday.
The doctor was a bit on the strange side but I can deal with him.
My sister's father-in-law is in the hospital on his death bed. While at the doctor, I saw the entire family showing up so I had a feeling things had turned for the worse. I feel so badly for all of them. It's so agonizing to watch someone you suffer like that. I've been there, it was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. I'm sure it has brought back a lot for my sister.
Tomorrow our crazy spring sports schedule begins. The one good thing about lacrosse is all practices are the same nights, same place and we're hoping all the games will be at the same place. Last year was very hard because there were times where all 3 had to be at different parks at the same time. And some parks can be 1.5 to 2 hours away. It would be great if we could travel together every Saturday.
I mentioned that I have a diabetic cat and she has to eat special food. I just fed her and I swear all I still smell is that nasty food. I have to feed her canned food because she has a tumor in her mouth and it's easier for her to eat. I have always hated the smell of canned cat food. I remember being a teenager, out all night partying, I would come home drunk around 3am or so and at 6am without fail, my mother would be up feeding our cats canned Friskies food. The smell would wake me up and my stomach would turn. Most of the time I would end up with my head in the toilet eventually.
I need to go scrub my hands again before I throw up my dinner.
The doctor was a bit on the strange side but I can deal with him.
My sister's father-in-law is in the hospital on his death bed. While at the doctor, I saw the entire family showing up so I had a feeling things had turned for the worse. I feel so badly for all of them. It's so agonizing to watch someone you suffer like that. I've been there, it was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. I'm sure it has brought back a lot for my sister.
Tomorrow our crazy spring sports schedule begins. The one good thing about lacrosse is all practices are the same nights, same place and we're hoping all the games will be at the same place. Last year was very hard because there were times where all 3 had to be at different parks at the same time. And some parks can be 1.5 to 2 hours away. It would be great if we could travel together every Saturday.
I mentioned that I have a diabetic cat and she has to eat special food. I just fed her and I swear all I still smell is that nasty food. I have to feed her canned food because she has a tumor in her mouth and it's easier for her to eat. I have always hated the smell of canned cat food. I remember being a teenager, out all night partying, I would come home drunk around 3am or so and at 6am without fail, my mother would be up feeding our cats canned Friskies food. The smell would wake me up and my stomach would turn. Most of the time I would end up with my head in the toilet eventually.
I need to go scrub my hands again before I throw up my dinner.
Lovely Monday
I am officially broke, I just paid a ton of bills and how fast the money goes. It's so depressing watching your checking balance dwindle to nothing.
At least I had the money to pay the bills. I remember all to well what it was like when I had no money so I try not to complain too much now.
The kids did have school today and on time no less. I had me some angry kids this morning too. Having them home today would've made my life a little easier just because Trev has a doctor's appointment and bloodwork and I would've been able to stay home from work. But oh well, just wasn't in the cards.
I am a little nervous about seeing this ENT doctor. He is a good surgeon and my sister, who manages the recover room, same day surgery unit, says he does not have the complications other doctors have after surgery. So he knows his stuff but his bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. He's great to the kids but can be a bit confrontational with the parents. He's been on this food allergy kick for years and I know he's going to want to go there with me. And I'm not saying food allergies aren't a valid thing for many people but apparently he feels everyone has them and that's why we get sick so much. He could be right, I don't know. But I don't want a lecture, just look at my kid's tonsils and tell me whether you feel they need to be removed.
And I also need to get all this thyroid stuff figured out. That's why I'm getting his bloodwork done today so by the end of this week I can know whether we need to see a pediatric endocrinologist. With all the research I've done on children with thyroid problems, the biggest risk is with his growth. If his thyroid is not functioning correctly, it could affect his growth and since he's about to hit puberty soon, I want his body working as it should. Thankfully we don't live far from some top notch hospitals, there is A.I. Dupont which is a children's hospital and there's also John Hopkins. I have a feeling we'll go to A.I. Dupont though.
I just wonder how long his thyroid hasn't functioned well because that very well could be why he has a learning disability. Makes me also wonder if he gets on medication and his body starts to function normally, if that will help him in that area.
So, I know my concerns with him are in the back of my mind all the time which is why I've been sleeping so bad, even with taking my sleeping pill. But it's only normal to worry about your children and their health.
I'll stop back later with an update and let you know how I make out with the friendly ENT doctor.
At least I had the money to pay the bills. I remember all to well what it was like when I had no money so I try not to complain too much now.
The kids did have school today and on time no less. I had me some angry kids this morning too. Having them home today would've made my life a little easier just because Trev has a doctor's appointment and bloodwork and I would've been able to stay home from work. But oh well, just wasn't in the cards.
I am a little nervous about seeing this ENT doctor. He is a good surgeon and my sister, who manages the recover room, same day surgery unit, says he does not have the complications other doctors have after surgery. So he knows his stuff but his bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. He's great to the kids but can be a bit confrontational with the parents. He's been on this food allergy kick for years and I know he's going to want to go there with me. And I'm not saying food allergies aren't a valid thing for many people but apparently he feels everyone has them and that's why we get sick so much. He could be right, I don't know. But I don't want a lecture, just look at my kid's tonsils and tell me whether you feel they need to be removed.
And I also need to get all this thyroid stuff figured out. That's why I'm getting his bloodwork done today so by the end of this week I can know whether we need to see a pediatric endocrinologist. With all the research I've done on children with thyroid problems, the biggest risk is with his growth. If his thyroid is not functioning correctly, it could affect his growth and since he's about to hit puberty soon, I want his body working as it should. Thankfully we don't live far from some top notch hospitals, there is A.I. Dupont which is a children's hospital and there's also John Hopkins. I have a feeling we'll go to A.I. Dupont though.
I just wonder how long his thyroid hasn't functioned well because that very well could be why he has a learning disability. Makes me also wonder if he gets on medication and his body starts to function normally, if that will help him in that area.
So, I know my concerns with him are in the back of my mind all the time which is why I've been sleeping so bad, even with taking my sleeping pill. But it's only normal to worry about your children and their health.
I'll stop back later with an update and let you know how I make out with the friendly ENT doctor.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Even More Randomness
I am here to admit that my visit with my father was one of the best ones I've had. Due to the weather, my sister did not stay so I'm glad that we did go and I'm glad we have 4wheel drive so the bad weather wasn't much of a concern for us.
Dad was very friendly and talkative. The kids really enjoyed themselves and even asked to come back again. Dawn, Dad's wife, told us to come back anytime.
I'm afraid to get my hopes up and I don't want to expect anything. I've done that in the past and each time I've come away disappointed and hurt. I guess like anything else, I will just take it visit by visit. Of course I need to decide if I'm going to reach out more myself. Maybe try to have him to dinner once a month.
I don't know.
Let me tell you about the weather. We were supposed to get rain, maybe some sleet which is how thing started out. By the time we left to go to Dad's, it was snowing like crazy, the roads were horrible and it snowed the entire time we were there. We've had about 3-4 inches and we're under a winter storm warning until 4am. It's sleeting right now but the storm is far from over.
I doubt the kids will have school. At the least we'll have a late start.
My dad has the hyper ass dog. I have never been around dog like that in my life. He was jumping off the tops of the sofa and chairs, literally bouncing off the walls and he's not a small dog either. I would not be able to handle a dog like that, either he would have to take a xanax or I would. At first it was kind of funny but after having the dog jump on my head a few times, I was ready to jerk it by the collar real hard. Of course, that wouldn't have gone over real well with my dad.
He used to have this little poodle and it was the most foul smelling dog ever. It was like he was rotting from the inside out, he just reeked and every damn time I would go over there, that dog had to sit near me. I just could not get past his stench and nasty eye boogers. Now I like animals but I have to admit that I don't let my dog lick my face or eat off my fork because dogs lick their butts and their weiners and eat cat poop.
But I do like animals. I swear. I have a diabetic cat with cancer who I take care of everyday and I love her and she loves me. I have a hard time with her licking me too for the very same reasons as my dog.
Maybe I just don't like being licked? Ok, I won't even go there.
And God, if I do not get a hold on my eating, I'm going to have the ass the size of Texas. I just cannot get a grip. I am miserable, I hate the way I feel, some of it is because of that lovely time of the month but still. I would love to get the rest of my weight off but I've lost my momentum. I really need to cut the sugar out but I dread the withdrawal. I need to stop complaining and just do it. I've come so far, I know I can do it.
Part of me would like to join a gym but I'm too self conscious. I mean, I know the purpose of a gym is to get in shape but I feel like I'll just stand out, like every fit person will be like, look at the fat girl, she is so not in shape. I know, I have issues.
I need to do something though because I am in a funk, I'm really struggling with my depression, so much so that I wonder if I shouldn't consider a different antidepressant. Maybe I've just got the winter blues?
Dad was very friendly and talkative. The kids really enjoyed themselves and even asked to come back again. Dawn, Dad's wife, told us to come back anytime.
I'm afraid to get my hopes up and I don't want to expect anything. I've done that in the past and each time I've come away disappointed and hurt. I guess like anything else, I will just take it visit by visit. Of course I need to decide if I'm going to reach out more myself. Maybe try to have him to dinner once a month.
I don't know.
Let me tell you about the weather. We were supposed to get rain, maybe some sleet which is how thing started out. By the time we left to go to Dad's, it was snowing like crazy, the roads were horrible and it snowed the entire time we were there. We've had about 3-4 inches and we're under a winter storm warning until 4am. It's sleeting right now but the storm is far from over.
I doubt the kids will have school. At the least we'll have a late start.
My dad has the hyper ass dog. I have never been around dog like that in my life. He was jumping off the tops of the sofa and chairs, literally bouncing off the walls and he's not a small dog either. I would not be able to handle a dog like that, either he would have to take a xanax or I would. At first it was kind of funny but after having the dog jump on my head a few times, I was ready to jerk it by the collar real hard. Of course, that wouldn't have gone over real well with my dad.
He used to have this little poodle and it was the most foul smelling dog ever. It was like he was rotting from the inside out, he just reeked and every damn time I would go over there, that dog had to sit near me. I just could not get past his stench and nasty eye boogers. Now I like animals but I have to admit that I don't let my dog lick my face or eat off my fork because dogs lick their butts and their weiners and eat cat poop.
But I do like animals. I swear. I have a diabetic cat with cancer who I take care of everyday and I love her and she loves me. I have a hard time with her licking me too for the very same reasons as my dog.
Maybe I just don't like being licked? Ok, I won't even go there.
And God, if I do not get a hold on my eating, I'm going to have the ass the size of Texas. I just cannot get a grip. I am miserable, I hate the way I feel, some of it is because of that lovely time of the month but still. I would love to get the rest of my weight off but I've lost my momentum. I really need to cut the sugar out but I dread the withdrawal. I need to stop complaining and just do it. I've come so far, I know I can do it.
Part of me would like to join a gym but I'm too self conscious. I mean, I know the purpose of a gym is to get in shape but I feel like I'll just stand out, like every fit person will be like, look at the fat girl, she is so not in shape. I know, I have issues.
I need to do something though because I am in a funk, I'm really struggling with my depression, so much so that I wonder if I shouldn't consider a different antidepressant. Maybe I've just got the winter blues?
More Randomness
I slept in this morning, until 8 which is sleeping in for me. I tossed and turned all night, going from hot to cold, having strange dreams even though I took my ambien. I feel like I'm coming down with something this morning but I'm not sure. It could be my body reacting to not sleeping well and having the nagging worry about Trev in the back of my mind.
I think it may also be hormones. I don't keep track of any of that anymore because I don't need to. And because I don't keep track, sometimes things will sneak up on me. I'm trying to not go into detail just in case I have a male reader out there. But basically, I'll find myself either overly emotional or extremely hateful and eating everything I can get my hands on and I'll be like what in the hell is wrong with me?! You'd think after 23 years of this I would recognize the symptoms.
So I'm not feeling so hot and I'm hormonal and I have to go visit with my dad this afternoon. I don't think the weather will grant me a reprieve either. It's above freezing so if any weather does come through it will probably be rain.
It wouldn't be so bad going to see my dad if his wife hadn't told me all those things. I'm awkward enough around him as it is because I never really know how to be. Mainly because I have never felt like I've had his acceptance, he is usually critical, I don't think I've ever done anything right. I don't like how he makes me feel, I become that little girl so desperate for his attention that gets pushed away, treated like a nuisance and talked down to.
I will go though, I don't have to stay long.
The week ahead of me is going to a very busy one. Monday Trev has bloodwork and his ENT doctor's appointment, Tuesday all 3 kids have lacrosse practice, Wednesday Trev has indoor soccer, Thursday is lacrosse practice and dance class but Abby will probably skip dance because she can't manage both.
I'm trying to be organized, you know planning my meals for the week, hoping to use the crock pot a lot. I totally suck at being that organized but I swore to myself when spring sports started, I would try.
Junior and I would like to plan a weekend away just the two of us in March before lacrosse games start. We haven't done anything like that in years. And I don't know where we will go and honestly I don't care. It would neat to go stay in the honeymoon suite at a nice hotel, we didn't go on a honeymoon or there is the Poconos which isn't too far. The Poconos has some awesome rooms, you have your own private heated pool. It's a small pool but all yours. Mainly it's a great place to go if you never want to leave your room. The beds have mirrored headboards, the walls around the hot tub are mirrored. Personally I don't like looking at myself when we're, ummm....gettin' busy but to each his own. I won't go into great detail here because I know there is not single person out there that is interested in my sex life but I can say my husband would love all those mirrors. I swear he should have a t-shirt that reads I Like To Watch.
That has been very hard for me because I have major body issues but I'm glad that he likes to look at me, that he finds me attractive enough.
Anyway, I won't go any further with this cuz now I'm now embarassed.
I think it may also be hormones. I don't keep track of any of that anymore because I don't need to. And because I don't keep track, sometimes things will sneak up on me. I'm trying to not go into detail just in case I have a male reader out there. But basically, I'll find myself either overly emotional or extremely hateful and eating everything I can get my hands on and I'll be like what in the hell is wrong with me?! You'd think after 23 years of this I would recognize the symptoms.
So I'm not feeling so hot and I'm hormonal and I have to go visit with my dad this afternoon. I don't think the weather will grant me a reprieve either. It's above freezing so if any weather does come through it will probably be rain.
It wouldn't be so bad going to see my dad if his wife hadn't told me all those things. I'm awkward enough around him as it is because I never really know how to be. Mainly because I have never felt like I've had his acceptance, he is usually critical, I don't think I've ever done anything right. I don't like how he makes me feel, I become that little girl so desperate for his attention that gets pushed away, treated like a nuisance and talked down to.
I will go though, I don't have to stay long.
The week ahead of me is going to a very busy one. Monday Trev has bloodwork and his ENT doctor's appointment, Tuesday all 3 kids have lacrosse practice, Wednesday Trev has indoor soccer, Thursday is lacrosse practice and dance class but Abby will probably skip dance because she can't manage both.
I'm trying to be organized, you know planning my meals for the week, hoping to use the crock pot a lot. I totally suck at being that organized but I swore to myself when spring sports started, I would try.
Junior and I would like to plan a weekend away just the two of us in March before lacrosse games start. We haven't done anything like that in years. And I don't know where we will go and honestly I don't care. It would neat to go stay in the honeymoon suite at a nice hotel, we didn't go on a honeymoon or there is the Poconos which isn't too far. The Poconos has some awesome rooms, you have your own private heated pool. It's a small pool but all yours. Mainly it's a great place to go if you never want to leave your room. The beds have mirrored headboards, the walls around the hot tub are mirrored. Personally I don't like looking at myself when we're, ummm....gettin' busy but to each his own. I won't go into great detail here because I know there is not single person out there that is interested in my sex life but I can say my husband would love all those mirrors. I swear he should have a t-shirt that reads I Like To Watch.
That has been very hard for me because I have major body issues but I'm glad that he likes to look at me, that he finds me attractive enough.
Anyway, I won't go any further with this cuz now I'm now embarassed.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Brrrr
I am cold. I just spent 2.5 hours outside, selling Girl Scout cookies. The wind would not stop and I am cold right down to my bones. We didn't do as well this time but we only have like 20 boxes of cookies left and to make it better my co-cookie mom took them home with her so I now have my van back.
I did think I was going to get in a beat down with another mom though. Her kid is a total angel (yeah right) and whenever there is a problem it's always the other kid, know the type? I was so ready to tell her to take her bratty ass kid and leave. And now I found out this girl is going to play lacrosse too.
Oh joy.
Usually Abby gets along with everyone but she and this girl are like oil and water.
Ally went to the movies last night and brought home two of her friends. The one girl has bruises all over arms. From her father. Her father and mother have joint custody, well they did. Social Services came and removed her from her father's home but it had to get to the point of the poor girl being covered in bruises. Now the father no longer has visitation or anything. Both girls are still here and I'm taking all 3 of them to birthday sleepover at 3:30pm. I'm so happy to see Ally being socialable again. It's been months since she's been to the movies, hung out with her friends. The whole bully situation just took over everything, she didn't feel safe going anywhere so she stayed home. I told her it's time for her to get her life back.
Trev is home from his sleepover party, wiped out, dark circles under his eyes but he had fun. He'll probably sleep the rest of the weekend. He said they were up until 3am or so and this is a boy who rarely stays up past 9pm.
Tomorrow at 2pm is my father's birthday celebration. They are calling for a possible ice storm so we'll see. I'm considering having a glass of wine or three before we go. I don't know, that might make me have loose lips and that would not be a good thing. Wouldn't that make for a happy family gathering though?
I did think I was going to get in a beat down with another mom though. Her kid is a total angel (yeah right) and whenever there is a problem it's always the other kid, know the type? I was so ready to tell her to take her bratty ass kid and leave. And now I found out this girl is going to play lacrosse too.
Oh joy.
Usually Abby gets along with everyone but she and this girl are like oil and water.
Ally went to the movies last night and brought home two of her friends. The one girl has bruises all over arms. From her father. Her father and mother have joint custody, well they did. Social Services came and removed her from her father's home but it had to get to the point of the poor girl being covered in bruises. Now the father no longer has visitation or anything. Both girls are still here and I'm taking all 3 of them to birthday sleepover at 3:30pm. I'm so happy to see Ally being socialable again. It's been months since she's been to the movies, hung out with her friends. The whole bully situation just took over everything, she didn't feel safe going anywhere so she stayed home. I told her it's time for her to get her life back.
Trev is home from his sleepover party, wiped out, dark circles under his eyes but he had fun. He'll probably sleep the rest of the weekend. He said they were up until 3am or so and this is a boy who rarely stays up past 9pm.
Tomorrow at 2pm is my father's birthday celebration. They are calling for a possible ice storm so we'll see. I'm considering having a glass of wine or three before we go. I don't know, that might make me have loose lips and that would not be a good thing. Wouldn't that make for a happy family gathering though?
Friday, February 23, 2007
Randomness
I just got back from Hellmart, I hate that place but you can't beat the prices.
I have made homemade mac-n-cheese, it's in the oven and I plan on eating a big bowl of it for lunch. It's cold and windy out and I just wanted something warm, homemade and comforting.
Trev has a birthday party tonight, it's a sleepover with about 15 boys. Aren't those parents crazy? He can't wait, all his friends are going. He will come home exhausted tomorrow. I'm just hoping the lack of sleep won't make him feel bad again.
Ally has been invited to 2 sleepovers Saturday night and she wants to go to both but of course, she has to choose one. I'm just glad to see her wanting to be socialable.
Tomorrow Abby has her last cookie booth for this year. We have it at my office because we are next door to a large Royal Farms, so we set up outside in our parking lot and customers from Royal Farms come over. At our last cookie booth two weeks ago, we sold 111 boxes in 2 hours and most of the buyers were men.
Did anyone catch the footage of the trial about where Anna Nicole is to be buried? I saw some of it on Fox News last night, the judge was crying and being so dramatic. I've never seen a judge act like that before. I mean, have you ever seen Judge Judy cry? Or Judge Joe Brown? Or Judge Mathis?
I think I watch too many court shows.
And I hear that Britney Spears is back in rehab. I wonder if she is suffering with postpartum depression. As much as she may get on my nerves, I do think she needs some help.
I need to get my dad a birthday present and I have no idea what to get him. He doesn't have any interests really. Got any ideas what to buy someone like that?
I have made homemade mac-n-cheese, it's in the oven and I plan on eating a big bowl of it for lunch. It's cold and windy out and I just wanted something warm, homemade and comforting.
Trev has a birthday party tonight, it's a sleepover with about 15 boys. Aren't those parents crazy? He can't wait, all his friends are going. He will come home exhausted tomorrow. I'm just hoping the lack of sleep won't make him feel bad again.
Ally has been invited to 2 sleepovers Saturday night and she wants to go to both but of course, she has to choose one. I'm just glad to see her wanting to be socialable.
Tomorrow Abby has her last cookie booth for this year. We have it at my office because we are next door to a large Royal Farms, so we set up outside in our parking lot and customers from Royal Farms come over. At our last cookie booth two weeks ago, we sold 111 boxes in 2 hours and most of the buyers were men.
Did anyone catch the footage of the trial about where Anna Nicole is to be buried? I saw some of it on Fox News last night, the judge was crying and being so dramatic. I've never seen a judge act like that before. I mean, have you ever seen Judge Judy cry? Or Judge Joe Brown? Or Judge Mathis?
I think I watch too many court shows.
And I hear that Britney Spears is back in rehab. I wonder if she is suffering with postpartum depression. As much as she may get on my nerves, I do think she needs some help.
I need to get my dad a birthday present and I have no idea what to get him. He doesn't have any interests really. Got any ideas what to buy someone like that?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Speechless
I blogged yesterday that it was my father's birthday. I did not call him. Honestly, I did not think he would even care.
This afternoon my father's wife (no I do not her call her my step-mother, she is the little hooch that was with my father for 8 years before my mom finally kicked his ass out) called and asked me if we had plans on Sunday. I said no and she was like, well I want to do something for your dad's birthday. I was like, ok what time? She didn't know and then she proceeded to tell me that Dad was disappointed because no one bothered to call him on his birthday.
WTF?!
I'm rarely made speechless but I have to admit, I was for about a second or two.
The man who never, ever acknowledges my birthday or my sister's or my children's (unless I invite him over for cake and ice cream, they still have never acknowledged Ally's birthday and that was back in September) is angry that no one called him.
I swear, it takes all kinds.
What the hell does he expect? He puts no effort into a relationship with any of us, he treats as if we don't exist half the time.
And it really gets that his wife thinks my sister and I are just awful daughters. I know she feels that way and I know she tells people that. But of course she never mentions that she is a homewrecker, that she hooked up with a man 20 years her senior knowing he was married with kids.
Grrr....
I shouldn't let this bother me. But it does. I feel guilty and that pisses me off. I feel guilty that I didn't call him, that I made the conscious choice not to. And then when she told me that he was upset, it made me angry but it also added to my guilty feelings which then only made me angrier.
For years I tried to have a relationship with him, I would call, invite him to things, try to include him. When he quit trucking, I thought maybe he'd be around more but nope. Something just snapped when my mom died. I was grieving, falling apart and rather than try to comfort me or my sister, he made it all about him. Ever since then I've backed away, I'm just tired.
My question is how long do I keep trying to make this be something it's not?
I know when he dies I will have regrets, I will mourn what could have been. But I can't make him spend time with me and that's just how I feel. That I make him spend time with me. And what I've realized is that I have plenty of people in my life that want to spend time with me and my kids.
What would you do if you were me? Do you have a good relationship with both your parents or are you like me?
This afternoon my father's wife (no I do not her call her my step-mother, she is the little hooch that was with my father for 8 years before my mom finally kicked his ass out) called and asked me if we had plans on Sunday. I said no and she was like, well I want to do something for your dad's birthday. I was like, ok what time? She didn't know and then she proceeded to tell me that Dad was disappointed because no one bothered to call him on his birthday.
WTF?!
I'm rarely made speechless but I have to admit, I was for about a second or two.
The man who never, ever acknowledges my birthday or my sister's or my children's (unless I invite him over for cake and ice cream, they still have never acknowledged Ally's birthday and that was back in September) is angry that no one called him.
I swear, it takes all kinds.
What the hell does he expect? He puts no effort into a relationship with any of us, he treats as if we don't exist half the time.
And it really gets that his wife thinks my sister and I are just awful daughters. I know she feels that way and I know she tells people that. But of course she never mentions that she is a homewrecker, that she hooked up with a man 20 years her senior knowing he was married with kids.
Grrr....
I shouldn't let this bother me. But it does. I feel guilty and that pisses me off. I feel guilty that I didn't call him, that I made the conscious choice not to. And then when she told me that he was upset, it made me angry but it also added to my guilty feelings which then only made me angrier.
For years I tried to have a relationship with him, I would call, invite him to things, try to include him. When he quit trucking, I thought maybe he'd be around more but nope. Something just snapped when my mom died. I was grieving, falling apart and rather than try to comfort me or my sister, he made it all about him. Ever since then I've backed away, I'm just tired.
My question is how long do I keep trying to make this be something it's not?
I know when he dies I will have regrets, I will mourn what could have been. But I can't make him spend time with me and that's just how I feel. That I make him spend time with me. And what I've realized is that I have plenty of people in my life that want to spend time with me and my kids.
What would you do if you were me? Do you have a good relationship with both your parents or are you like me?
Knowing
I just talked to the pediatrician. Trev's mono test was negative but his thyroid level came back very high so they had the lab check is T3 and T4 but they were normal which normally isn't the case if there is a thyroid problem. The pediatrician has never seen anything like that before and wants to check his level again next week.
And we went ahead and made an appointment with the ENT doctor so he can check out Trev's tonsils, review everything and determine whether a tosillectomy is needed.
I am concerend with the thyroid thing and I'm going to researching about it online. I have thyroid disease and was diagnosed with it after Trev was born. So there is a good chance that my thyroid wasn't functioning well while I was pregnant with him.
Other than fatigue he doesn't have any other symptom of thyroid problems. I'm just wondering if it has something to do with his body battling infection.
Trev has an indoor soccer game tonight but I'm not sure if I'm going to let him go. If he's tired when he gets home from school, I think it would be best if he stayed home. Indoor soccer is about 45 minutes one way from home, the game isn't until 7:10pm so it won't be over until almost 8:00pm.
This validates my gut feeling that something has been wrong with him. It's been one of those situations where you just know. Have you ever had those moments? Where you just know something?
And we went ahead and made an appointment with the ENT doctor so he can check out Trev's tonsils, review everything and determine whether a tosillectomy is needed.
I am concerend with the thyroid thing and I'm going to researching about it online. I have thyroid disease and was diagnosed with it after Trev was born. So there is a good chance that my thyroid wasn't functioning well while I was pregnant with him.
Other than fatigue he doesn't have any other symptom of thyroid problems. I'm just wondering if it has something to do with his body battling infection.
Trev has an indoor soccer game tonight but I'm not sure if I'm going to let him go. If he's tired when he gets home from school, I think it would be best if he stayed home. Indoor soccer is about 45 minutes one way from home, the game isn't until 7:10pm so it won't be over until almost 8:00pm.
This validates my gut feeling that something has been wrong with him. It's been one of those situations where you just know. Have you ever had those moments? Where you just know something?
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Fathers
I realized today is my father's birthday. Do I bother to call him? My relationship with my father isn't really a relationship, or at least not a father-daughter relationship. I have not seen or spoken to him since Christmas Eve. He lives about 20 minutes from me and has no real involvement with me or my children. But it's always been that way. My father was a long distance truck driver up until around 5 years ago so even though he was married to my mom until I was 15, he was never home. Having a little honey on the side kept him away too.
He has never once told me he loves me or that he is proud of me.
I can remember after my mom died, there was still that little part of me that thought maybe, just maybe he's step up and be there. He had to have known how devastated my sister and I were. But once again, it was all about him. Nothing changed.
I look at my own children and I cannot imagine not being involved in their lives. I cannot imagine going months without speaking to them. The only way my sister and I ever see him is if we call him. It's like the phone only works one way. And I have to admit that I just don't call much anymore, sometimes it's a conscious choice, other times it's because I just don't think about him.
It's just a shame, he has missed out on so much and he doesn't even care.
I was 20 years old when I got married and I had some serious trust issues and men issues. Though my trust issues aren't completely gone, they are better. Being married to a man that has been completely faithful to me, has honored his commitment to me and our kids, who shows his kids love and affection, has helped me with my men issues. I don't have any reason to have men issues I guess.
Not that my marriage is perfect. But I'm glad to say that I did not marry a man like my father.
On another note, I walked again on the treadmill today. Of course I probably have undone any good that came from the walk because I ate a huge lunch afterwards. I don't know why I stuff myself like I do. I think I'm trying to fill a place that food cannot fill. But still I continue.
I firmly believe in honoring your body's signals. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're comfortably satisfied, stay active and you won't have a weight problem. I've followed that with my kids. I don't make them clean their plates. Ever. I keep a wide range of food in the house, from healthy food to plain old junk food. Over Christmas we had this big spread of food and my kids couldn't stay out of the veggie tray because to them, food is no big deal and they prefer the veggies or the fruit. Not that they don't like junk, they're just not like me. They don't use food for anything other than fuel. If I could only practice what I preach.
I'm trying really hard to stop beating myself up, it's been a challenge. I find myself doing it more than I even thought I did. I'll look down and notice my stomach and think God you are fat. Or I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think you are so gross. Isn't it amazing what you say to yourself? I would never say that to another person. So everytime I caught myself thinking those thoughts, I would stop immediately and replace them with positive ones.
Baby steps, right?
He has never once told me he loves me or that he is proud of me.
I can remember after my mom died, there was still that little part of me that thought maybe, just maybe he's step up and be there. He had to have known how devastated my sister and I were. But once again, it was all about him. Nothing changed.
I look at my own children and I cannot imagine not being involved in their lives. I cannot imagine going months without speaking to them. The only way my sister and I ever see him is if we call him. It's like the phone only works one way. And I have to admit that I just don't call much anymore, sometimes it's a conscious choice, other times it's because I just don't think about him.
It's just a shame, he has missed out on so much and he doesn't even care.
I was 20 years old when I got married and I had some serious trust issues and men issues. Though my trust issues aren't completely gone, they are better. Being married to a man that has been completely faithful to me, has honored his commitment to me and our kids, who shows his kids love and affection, has helped me with my men issues. I don't have any reason to have men issues I guess.
Not that my marriage is perfect. But I'm glad to say that I did not marry a man like my father.
On another note, I walked again on the treadmill today. Of course I probably have undone any good that came from the walk because I ate a huge lunch afterwards. I don't know why I stuff myself like I do. I think I'm trying to fill a place that food cannot fill. But still I continue.
I firmly believe in honoring your body's signals. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're comfortably satisfied, stay active and you won't have a weight problem. I've followed that with my kids. I don't make them clean their plates. Ever. I keep a wide range of food in the house, from healthy food to plain old junk food. Over Christmas we had this big spread of food and my kids couldn't stay out of the veggie tray because to them, food is no big deal and they prefer the veggies or the fruit. Not that they don't like junk, they're just not like me. They don't use food for anything other than fuel. If I could only practice what I preach.
I'm trying really hard to stop beating myself up, it's been a challenge. I find myself doing it more than I even thought I did. I'll look down and notice my stomach and think God you are fat. Or I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think you are so gross. Isn't it amazing what you say to yourself? I would never say that to another person. So everytime I caught myself thinking those thoughts, I would stop immediately and replace them with positive ones.
Baby steps, right?
Cookie Hell
I am one of the cookie moms for my daughter, Abby's brownie troop.
I am so tired of girl scout cookies.
I am tired of my van being full of cases of cookies.
I am tired of raiding the cases of cookies.
I am tired of having to keep after mom's about getting the money for the cookies they've taken. Umm, hello, nothing is free! What gets me is when they act all put out about it, if you've delivered all these cookies then you should have the money, that's how it works. Get paid when you deliver the cookies. We have one mom who is out over $800 and has not paid one cent. Nothing.
But since I'm on this trying to be positive kick, I will just be thankful that I have been able to help the troop by doing this for the past 2 years.
I am also thankful that this is the last damn year I have to do it because Abby moves up to juniors and they already have cookie moms.
How much you want to bet that comment won't come back and bite me on the ass next year?
I am so tired of girl scout cookies.
I am tired of my van being full of cases of cookies.
I am tired of raiding the cases of cookies.
I am tired of having to keep after mom's about getting the money for the cookies they've taken. Umm, hello, nothing is free! What gets me is when they act all put out about it, if you've delivered all these cookies then you should have the money, that's how it works. Get paid when you deliver the cookies. We have one mom who is out over $800 and has not paid one cent. Nothing.
But since I'm on this trying to be positive kick, I will just be thankful that I have been able to help the troop by doing this for the past 2 years.
I am also thankful that this is the last damn year I have to do it because Abby moves up to juniors and they already have cookie moms.
How much you want to bet that comment won't come back and bite me on the ass next year?
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
One Positive Step
I just walked 15 minutes on the treadmill and I feel good.
My goal is to walk 4 days this week, 15 minutes each day.
Next week I will go up to 20 minutes.
Baby steps.
My goal is to walk 4 days this week, 15 minutes each day.
Next week I will go up to 20 minutes.
Baby steps.
Contest
If you've got a good story to share about yourself and want to win a real prize, head on over to Manic Mommy's Blog and enter her contest.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Finding My Way
My weight has always been an issue for me, even when I was thin. Maybe it's more of a body issue or both, I don't know but I have never been completely happy with the way I look.
When I got pregnant with my oldest child, I gained 80 pounds and of course, after her birth I only lost like 17 pounds. I pretty much stayed at that weight through my 2nd pregnancy, I only gained 20 pounds then and lost it right away. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when my son was a baby and I gained about 20 pounds by the time I got pregnant with #3. I only gained 6 pounds with her and she was 8.5 pounds at birth so I actually left the hospital weighing less then I did when I got pregnant with her.
After her birth, I really started struggling with depression and I turned to food to cope. My weight escalated to it's very highest, I was extremely unhealthy. The year I turned 30, I decided enough was enough and I lost 60 pounds that year.
Unfortunately that year my mom became terminally ill and my focus turned to taking care of her. She died right after my 31st birthday and by the end of that year I had gained about 30 pounds back. I was severely depressed and like always, I was using food to cope.
I was then put on antidepressants and I lost the 30 pounds I'd regained and I even went on to lose 10 more.
I've put those 10 pounds back on.
And as much as I want to eat healthy, as much as I know that I'm still at an unhealthy weight and even though I know I can do this, I don't want to. I am so tired of it all.
Will I even be content when I get the rest of the weight off? I was never content before.
I also know that I have to really evaluate my reasons for wanting to lose the weight. My friend that we went out to dinner with on Saturday has lost 20 pounds and she looks great. She was talking about never being hungry and she's no longer eating out of emotions. And ever since then I've been even more obsessed with losing weight.
Maybe it's the competitive nature coming out in me or maybe I'm just so damn jealous over how good she looks?
But I can't lose weight for either of those reasons.
I need to want to lose weight because I care about myself enough. I need to feel worthy enough, worthy of the struggling and the hard work.
I want to be healthy and have energy. That is very important to me so why don't I do what I need to feel that way? Focus on those goals rather than how so and so looks. I need to stop comparing myself to others, I have always done that. I also need to learn to be content where I am, not that I need to love being overweight or anything. But I can like myself and my life while I reach my goals.
I don't know why I treat myself so badly. I would never treat another person the way I treat myself. After I binge on food, I feel terrible both physically and emotionally. And still I do it. I don't stop and think beforehand, I just do it. And I don't know if I can lose anymore weight if I can't get my mind where it needs to be.
Even though I have lost some weight since my mom died, I have felt ever since then that I just don't have anything left in me to fight the battle of my weight. After her death, I fell apart both physically and emotionally. That was a very dark time in my life. And even though it will be 4 years this June, I still feel like I'm healing. I'm also trying to find my place in life because I changed after Mom died.
I think it's time though for me to move on. I know that is what Mom would want. It's hard because I don't know how.
I think I need to move along step by step, one thing at a time. I can't be in a hell fire hurry, this is a process.
The first step is changing my self talk-no more tearing myself down, beating myself up. It's time for some forgiveness. It's time to love myself.
Anyone want to join me?
When I got pregnant with my oldest child, I gained 80 pounds and of course, after her birth I only lost like 17 pounds. I pretty much stayed at that weight through my 2nd pregnancy, I only gained 20 pounds then and lost it right away. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when my son was a baby and I gained about 20 pounds by the time I got pregnant with #3. I only gained 6 pounds with her and she was 8.5 pounds at birth so I actually left the hospital weighing less then I did when I got pregnant with her.
After her birth, I really started struggling with depression and I turned to food to cope. My weight escalated to it's very highest, I was extremely unhealthy. The year I turned 30, I decided enough was enough and I lost 60 pounds that year.
Unfortunately that year my mom became terminally ill and my focus turned to taking care of her. She died right after my 31st birthday and by the end of that year I had gained about 30 pounds back. I was severely depressed and like always, I was using food to cope.
I was then put on antidepressants and I lost the 30 pounds I'd regained and I even went on to lose 10 more.
I've put those 10 pounds back on.
And as much as I want to eat healthy, as much as I know that I'm still at an unhealthy weight and even though I know I can do this, I don't want to. I am so tired of it all.
Will I even be content when I get the rest of the weight off? I was never content before.
I also know that I have to really evaluate my reasons for wanting to lose the weight. My friend that we went out to dinner with on Saturday has lost 20 pounds and she looks great. She was talking about never being hungry and she's no longer eating out of emotions. And ever since then I've been even more obsessed with losing weight.
Maybe it's the competitive nature coming out in me or maybe I'm just so damn jealous over how good she looks?
But I can't lose weight for either of those reasons.
I need to want to lose weight because I care about myself enough. I need to feel worthy enough, worthy of the struggling and the hard work.
I want to be healthy and have energy. That is very important to me so why don't I do what I need to feel that way? Focus on those goals rather than how so and so looks. I need to stop comparing myself to others, I have always done that. I also need to learn to be content where I am, not that I need to love being overweight or anything. But I can like myself and my life while I reach my goals.
I don't know why I treat myself so badly. I would never treat another person the way I treat myself. After I binge on food, I feel terrible both physically and emotionally. And still I do it. I don't stop and think beforehand, I just do it. And I don't know if I can lose anymore weight if I can't get my mind where it needs to be.
Even though I have lost some weight since my mom died, I have felt ever since then that I just don't have anything left in me to fight the battle of my weight. After her death, I fell apart both physically and emotionally. That was a very dark time in my life. And even though it will be 4 years this June, I still feel like I'm healing. I'm also trying to find my place in life because I changed after Mom died.
I think it's time though for me to move on. I know that is what Mom would want. It's hard because I don't know how.
I think I need to move along step by step, one thing at a time. I can't be in a hell fire hurry, this is a process.
The first step is changing my self talk-no more tearing myself down, beating myself up. It's time for some forgiveness. It's time to love myself.
Anyone want to join me?
Worry
My son, Trev, is sick. Again. Sore throat, fever, all that fun stuff. He was tested for mono last month but came back negative, I don't have a lot of faith in the negative result. I had mono when I was 17 and I had three tests before it was positive. I was sick for 3 months. Trev is wiped out every Friday, complains of body aches, sore throat, headache and come Sunday he is better. He's also complaining of his heart beating real fast and as I was taking his pulse, I felt that is was irregular, 4-5 normal beats, a pause then one hard beat and so on. I had him sleep in my room just so I was right there in case he needed me.
I'm trying not to wig out here. I mean, could he have had a strep infection that went untreated due to a false negative strep test? I know that untreated strep infections can lead to heart problems. I don't know. I used to not be so panicky about my kids getting sick, ever since Mom died I find myself worrying more. Mainly because my biggest fear is having one of my kids get really sick.
Trev is very athletic, sports are his life. Right now he's playing travel indoor soccer and I've noticed he isn't able to play the entire game because he gets tired and that is not normal for him. And lacrosse starts next week, at least practices do and that requires way more running than soccer. If he does end up with mono he won't be able to play lacrosse or even finish soccer because you aren't allowed to play any contact sports for awhile.
I don't know what is wrong but he's not well.
I did good watching my sugar intake yesterday until Trev started complaining of his heart racing. So like I always do in moments of stress and high emotion, I turned to food. I opened a box of Tagalongs (that's a Girl Scout cookie for those who may not know) and I ate about 6 of them. I wanted to eat the entire box. Sometimes I wonder if I need some kind of therapy.....
I have laundry piled up to my ears and no desire to do any of it.
I need to grab a shower so I look halfway presentable at the pediatrician's this morning. I bet the place will be packed which I hate, all these sick kids crammed in one room. I always want to wear one of those masks or something, or stand in the hall. It never fails there is a least one toddler toddling around with green snot from his nose to his chin who wants to come hang out near me. I've tried looking mean, thinking that would keep any kid from wanting to come near me, it never works.
I'll be back later with an update.
Update:
Trev's strep test was negative. We went for another mono test and will know the results of that in 2-3 days. If the result is negative, then we will go to the ENT doctor and see if Trev should have his tonsils removed. There is a possibility that his tonsils are harboring germs which are making him get sick so often.
I do feel the pediatrician listened to me and that she understands that he really isn't feeling well and it's to the point that we need to get to the bottom of it.
I'm supposed to have him gargle with salt water. That should be fun. I bet I can get him to do it once but not again. It is nasty but it works.
I'm trying not to wig out here. I mean, could he have had a strep infection that went untreated due to a false negative strep test? I know that untreated strep infections can lead to heart problems. I don't know. I used to not be so panicky about my kids getting sick, ever since Mom died I find myself worrying more. Mainly because my biggest fear is having one of my kids get really sick.
Trev is very athletic, sports are his life. Right now he's playing travel indoor soccer and I've noticed he isn't able to play the entire game because he gets tired and that is not normal for him. And lacrosse starts next week, at least practices do and that requires way more running than soccer. If he does end up with mono he won't be able to play lacrosse or even finish soccer because you aren't allowed to play any contact sports for awhile.
I don't know what is wrong but he's not well.
I did good watching my sugar intake yesterday until Trev started complaining of his heart racing. So like I always do in moments of stress and high emotion, I turned to food. I opened a box of Tagalongs (that's a Girl Scout cookie for those who may not know) and I ate about 6 of them. I wanted to eat the entire box. Sometimes I wonder if I need some kind of therapy.....
I have laundry piled up to my ears and no desire to do any of it.
I need to grab a shower so I look halfway presentable at the pediatrician's this morning. I bet the place will be packed which I hate, all these sick kids crammed in one room. I always want to wear one of those masks or something, or stand in the hall. It never fails there is a least one toddler toddling around with green snot from his nose to his chin who wants to come hang out near me. I've tried looking mean, thinking that would keep any kid from wanting to come near me, it never works.
I'll be back later with an update.
Update:
Trev's strep test was negative. We went for another mono test and will know the results of that in 2-3 days. If the result is negative, then we will go to the ENT doctor and see if Trev should have his tonsils removed. There is a possibility that his tonsils are harboring germs which are making him get sick so often.
I do feel the pediatrician listened to me and that she understands that he really isn't feeling well and it's to the point that we need to get to the bottom of it.
I'm supposed to have him gargle with salt water. That should be fun. I bet I can get him to do it once but not again. It is nasty but it works.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Law of Attraction
Last night we went to dinner with another family we are friends with. It's been the first time we've really been out in forever. I've been in such a funk, not wanting to go anywhere, not wanting to be sociable. I guess the stress of the past few months with Ally has taken a toll on all of us. Ally herself has been staying home though she did go to the Valentine's dance at school on Friday but that's the first thing she's done since around November.
I spend so much of my time feeling different than most people around me. When I'm in a funk, I feel like I have nothing of value to offer, making small talk is hard, trying to appear ok is hard. So I just keep to myself because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
I was watching a little bit of Oprah last week when she was doing the show on The Secret. I wasn't able to watch the whole show but I did hear enough to get me thinking about this law of attraction. I'd never heard of that before. It all sounded a bit new agey to me but I think it's a valid point, I think all my years of church are just getting in the way of me being open to it. Of course this law of attraction reminds me of the verse in Proverbs-As a man thinketh in his heart so does he become. Bascially it's about your thought life. Negative begets negative.
So in keeping with that, it's no wonder that I'm in a funk. My thought life has not been positive. At all. I'm one of those negative people by nature, you know, don't expect much then you won't be disappointed.
I know that some of this is due to my depression. I also have hypothyroidism which only adds to the depression. I've had thyroid disease for 10 years and suffered with untreated depression for 7 of those years. I didn't start getting treated for depression until it became severe after my mom died. I also switched doctors and she told me that now they usually treat thyroid patients with thyroid medication and antidepressants because both go hand in hand.
But really, I do need to work on my thought life. I also need to start exercising because that does help me. I sleep better, I handle stress better but I'll find every excuse to not exercise. I have found that I love yoga and I feel so relaxed afterwards. I have also started getting a massage once a month which helps with my muscle aches and tension.
I also need to change my eating habits, mainly I need to get off sugar. I love sugar, it's my main drug of choice. And it zaps the energy right out of me but I crave it. Why do I crave something that is not good for me?
When I come off The Sugar, it's not good for like 2 weeks. I get mean and hateful, I'll even get weepy. I'll spend days white knuckling it but once I get past the withdrawal, I feel better. I have more energy, I'm not as bloated. But damn it's hard at first. I'll also need to cut back on my alcohol consumption or change what I choose to drink. I found a low sugar low carb margarita recipe online using sugar free lemonade, I guess I could try that on a Saturday night. Regular margaritas are loaded with sugar which is probably why I love them so. I drank 3 at dinner last night, 3! They weren't big ones but still, 3!
I know I can do it, I've lost 60 pounds already. I just get tired of watching every little thing I eat. I just need to accept that I can't eat like other people, my metabolism is slower which means I gain weight easily and I lose weight slowly.
And really in the grand scheme of things, losing the rest of my weight isn't the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So about 4 days from now I am going to be bitch supreme, I hope you will stick with me though, I need all the support I can get.
And I just have to say that in just the few days I've started this blog I have met some really great people, I mean you guys have left the most uplifting, supportive comments. I wish I could have you all over for dinner or something, wouldn't we have fun?
I spend so much of my time feeling different than most people around me. When I'm in a funk, I feel like I have nothing of value to offer, making small talk is hard, trying to appear ok is hard. So I just keep to myself because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
I was watching a little bit of Oprah last week when she was doing the show on The Secret. I wasn't able to watch the whole show but I did hear enough to get me thinking about this law of attraction. I'd never heard of that before. It all sounded a bit new agey to me but I think it's a valid point, I think all my years of church are just getting in the way of me being open to it. Of course this law of attraction reminds me of the verse in Proverbs-As a man thinketh in his heart so does he become. Bascially it's about your thought life. Negative begets negative.
So in keeping with that, it's no wonder that I'm in a funk. My thought life has not been positive. At all. I'm one of those negative people by nature, you know, don't expect much then you won't be disappointed.
I know that some of this is due to my depression. I also have hypothyroidism which only adds to the depression. I've had thyroid disease for 10 years and suffered with untreated depression for 7 of those years. I didn't start getting treated for depression until it became severe after my mom died. I also switched doctors and she told me that now they usually treat thyroid patients with thyroid medication and antidepressants because both go hand in hand.
But really, I do need to work on my thought life. I also need to start exercising because that does help me. I sleep better, I handle stress better but I'll find every excuse to not exercise. I have found that I love yoga and I feel so relaxed afterwards. I have also started getting a massage once a month which helps with my muscle aches and tension.
I also need to change my eating habits, mainly I need to get off sugar. I love sugar, it's my main drug of choice. And it zaps the energy right out of me but I crave it. Why do I crave something that is not good for me?
When I come off The Sugar, it's not good for like 2 weeks. I get mean and hateful, I'll even get weepy. I'll spend days white knuckling it but once I get past the withdrawal, I feel better. I have more energy, I'm not as bloated. But damn it's hard at first. I'll also need to cut back on my alcohol consumption or change what I choose to drink. I found a low sugar low carb margarita recipe online using sugar free lemonade, I guess I could try that on a Saturday night. Regular margaritas are loaded with sugar which is probably why I love them so. I drank 3 at dinner last night, 3! They weren't big ones but still, 3!
I know I can do it, I've lost 60 pounds already. I just get tired of watching every little thing I eat. I just need to accept that I can't eat like other people, my metabolism is slower which means I gain weight easily and I lose weight slowly.
And really in the grand scheme of things, losing the rest of my weight isn't the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So about 4 days from now I am going to be bitch supreme, I hope you will stick with me though, I need all the support I can get.
And I just have to say that in just the few days I've started this blog I have met some really great people, I mean you guys have left the most uplifting, supportive comments. I wish I could have you all over for dinner or something, wouldn't we have fun?
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Too Much Drama
Growing up I always had to take care of myself. If I was being bullied or having problems with someone, I had to deal with it they way I saw fit. Which was usually a fight of some sort.
By the time I was a senior in high school, I was a major hard ass. I took no crap. None.
I learned along the way that I had to be like that or I was going to get eaten alive. It is sad though because I was very hard hearted for a long time, still can be now though having children has softened me up a lot.
My daughter, Ally, has been having problems with 3 girls. These girls have been threatening to beat her ass for months. Granted I know it's mostly just talk, there is a part of me that isn't entirely sure of that. I mean, did anyone catch Dr. Phil about 3-4 weeks ago and see that tape of the girl getting beat up by 3 other girls? It was awful, made me cry like a big baby.
I mean, things were bad enough and I had enough proof that I could've had 2 of the girls charged with harassment. I chose to contact the parents, to give them one more chance to get their kids in line. So far things are quiet, but 2 of the girls are still online even though the parents told me they were taking them offline as punishment.
Whatever. As long as they are leaving Ally alone, I don't care what they're doing.
I'm trying to raise all of my kids differently than I was raised. But it's a constant struggle because my first reactions to things are how I would've dealt with it and it's usually not the right thing.
I mean, when these girls kept on saying they were going to beat Ally's ass, I was like, tell them to bring it the hell on then. I didn't say that though, I was all like, just keep ignoring them, all they want is your reaction. It's so hard though because that is not what I wanted to say.
When Ally told me she was going to confront the one she goes to school with, I was secretly happy that she wanted to. I tried to talk her out of it, I mean, isn't that what good moms do? But she was determined and she asked me what to do if it got physical. So I gave her some advice, the first thing being do NOT throw the first punch.
It did end up in a scuffle, I wouldn't call it a fight because it got broken up before anything really happened. And do you know, that ever since then, Ally has so many more friends? Because Ally isn't the only girl that has been bullied by this one particular person.
The threats escalated though, I mean I have pages off of myspace that I printed. I realized I needed to really step it up when I found Ally at the computer in tears because she couldn't even get online and talk to her friends because they were finding ways to get to her.
I'm telling you though, I was so damn angry that I was shaking. It was all I could do to be sensible and mature as I was contacting the parents. Let me rephrase that, as I was trying to contact the parents. The girls kept erasing my messages, thinking that I would just give up I guess.
Hell no, they'd messed with the wrong mama.
I ended up contacting their school and the principal helped me out by contacting the parents, letting them know I was trying to get a hold of them.
That's when they realized I was dead serious I guess because it's been quiet ever since.
There have been a couple of times where things could've gotten stirred up again and that's where Ally has to be smart and not rise to the bait. And she's been doing really well.
It also helps that I'm online quite a bit, just sitting quietly in the background, keeping an eye on things.
This has been so stressful though. Ally accuses me of not letting her defend herself enough which is hilarious because if she only knew what I want to tell her to do!
But I've learned in my 34 almost 35 years that these kind of girls want you to fight with them, so why give them what they want?
The best revenge is keeping on with your life and being happy regardless of what they try to do. If they get you down, they will only keep on even more.
And really, not everyone is going to like you and the sooner you realize that, the better off you are.
By the time I was a senior in high school, I was a major hard ass. I took no crap. None.
I learned along the way that I had to be like that or I was going to get eaten alive. It is sad though because I was very hard hearted for a long time, still can be now though having children has softened me up a lot.
My daughter, Ally, has been having problems with 3 girls. These girls have been threatening to beat her ass for months. Granted I know it's mostly just talk, there is a part of me that isn't entirely sure of that. I mean, did anyone catch Dr. Phil about 3-4 weeks ago and see that tape of the girl getting beat up by 3 other girls? It was awful, made me cry like a big baby.
I mean, things were bad enough and I had enough proof that I could've had 2 of the girls charged with harassment. I chose to contact the parents, to give them one more chance to get their kids in line. So far things are quiet, but 2 of the girls are still online even though the parents told me they were taking them offline as punishment.
Whatever. As long as they are leaving Ally alone, I don't care what they're doing.
I'm trying to raise all of my kids differently than I was raised. But it's a constant struggle because my first reactions to things are how I would've dealt with it and it's usually not the right thing.
I mean, when these girls kept on saying they were going to beat Ally's ass, I was like, tell them to bring it the hell on then. I didn't say that though, I was all like, just keep ignoring them, all they want is your reaction. It's so hard though because that is not what I wanted to say.
When Ally told me she was going to confront the one she goes to school with, I was secretly happy that she wanted to. I tried to talk her out of it, I mean, isn't that what good moms do? But she was determined and she asked me what to do if it got physical. So I gave her some advice, the first thing being do NOT throw the first punch.
It did end up in a scuffle, I wouldn't call it a fight because it got broken up before anything really happened. And do you know, that ever since then, Ally has so many more friends? Because Ally isn't the only girl that has been bullied by this one particular person.
The threats escalated though, I mean I have pages off of myspace that I printed. I realized I needed to really step it up when I found Ally at the computer in tears because she couldn't even get online and talk to her friends because they were finding ways to get to her.
I'm telling you though, I was so damn angry that I was shaking. It was all I could do to be sensible and mature as I was contacting the parents. Let me rephrase that, as I was trying to contact the parents. The girls kept erasing my messages, thinking that I would just give up I guess.
Hell no, they'd messed with the wrong mama.
I ended up contacting their school and the principal helped me out by contacting the parents, letting them know I was trying to get a hold of them.
That's when they realized I was dead serious I guess because it's been quiet ever since.
There have been a couple of times where things could've gotten stirred up again and that's where Ally has to be smart and not rise to the bait. And she's been doing really well.
It also helps that I'm online quite a bit, just sitting quietly in the background, keeping an eye on things.
This has been so stressful though. Ally accuses me of not letting her defend herself enough which is hilarious because if she only knew what I want to tell her to do!
But I've learned in my 34 almost 35 years that these kind of girls want you to fight with them, so why give them what they want?
The best revenge is keeping on with your life and being happy regardless of what they try to do. If they get you down, they will only keep on even more.
And really, not everyone is going to like you and the sooner you realize that, the better off you are.
Friday, February 16, 2007
This Is Me
I am a mom, a wife, a sister. I lost my mother when I was 31 years old, I miss her every single day. I was diagnosed with depression about 6 months after her death and I still struggle even though I'm on medication. So I'm not always upbeat.
I keep things very real just because I don't have the energy to be fake. I can be mean and petty. I don't plan on telling my husband about this blog just because I need to have something that is mine.
I love my children and have a tendency to be overprotective. I have a myspace account just so I can keep an eye on my teenager and her friends. And they all know it.
I have major trust issues. Even though I love my husband and even though he's never once done one thing to make me doubt his love and commitment to me, I don't trust him completely. I don't trust anyone completely. I envy those who are open to others because I just can't be that way.
I drink too much sometimes. I don't drink everyday but when I do drink, I usually at least have 2 drinks. I love, love, love margaritas and I can polish off half a bottle of the Jose Cuervo premixed. They make me gain weight though, too much sugar. When I drink wine, I don't drink as much, I've been nursing a glass of white wine for well over an hour now. I wish that alcohol didn't relax me so much, maybe I wouldn't like it.
I don't use spell check and 95% of the time I don't even proofread before I publish my posts. I have a habit of writing the way I talk so I'll warn you now, I'm from a small, redneck town. It'll come out before long.
If you happen to stop by, give me a holla and let me know you were here.
I keep things very real just because I don't have the energy to be fake. I can be mean and petty. I don't plan on telling my husband about this blog just because I need to have something that is mine.
I love my children and have a tendency to be overprotective. I have a myspace account just so I can keep an eye on my teenager and her friends. And they all know it.
I have major trust issues. Even though I love my husband and even though he's never once done one thing to make me doubt his love and commitment to me, I don't trust him completely. I don't trust anyone completely. I envy those who are open to others because I just can't be that way.
I drink too much sometimes. I don't drink everyday but when I do drink, I usually at least have 2 drinks. I love, love, love margaritas and I can polish off half a bottle of the Jose Cuervo premixed. They make me gain weight though, too much sugar. When I drink wine, I don't drink as much, I've been nursing a glass of white wine for well over an hour now. I wish that alcohol didn't relax me so much, maybe I wouldn't like it.
I don't use spell check and 95% of the time I don't even proofread before I publish my posts. I have a habit of writing the way I talk so I'll warn you now, I'm from a small, redneck town. It'll come out before long.
If you happen to stop by, give me a holla and let me know you were here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
