Selfish and Bitchy

I know I'm about to sound bitchy.

This is my blog however, so just click the X if I'm on your nerves.

As you can tell by my posts, I'm going through something. Trying to find my way, dealing with a lot of emotions.

With my father being ill, it has brought back so much of what I went through with my mother. I find myself feeling angry because I had finally gotten myself to a place that I didn't think about the hard times as much. I know though that life is not guaranteed to be easy and there are people that I know personally that are going through much worse.

Yet, this is how I feel.

I am the type of person that when I'm going through something hard, I pull away. Sometimes I think it's because I have to have time to work things through in my mind first and I can't do that with people all up in my business. I also have a hard time being around others during times like this because I feel so different. I feel out of place. I guess because I find it near to impossible to make small talk. Or because I can't make myself appear ok when I'm not.

This Sunday is a baby shower for one of JR's many cousins. I do not want to go. But she is someone that I know that has her own mountain to climb, one that is far larger than mine. Her baby will be undergoing major surgery as a newborn because his/her intestines are on the outside of his/her body. The baby will be in the hospital for at least 6 weeks. It's not that I don't want to go for her, it's just that there will be a ton of people there. I feel obligated to go and I feel like I'm being selfish to not go. I don't know.

Then the following Sunday is this huge birthday party for JR's grandmother and I sure as hell don't want to go there. So I was going to fake being sick and send JR and the kids. Then I find out they are going to be doing family pictures, if I don't go I won't be in them. Not that it really bothers me but I think it would bother my kids, especially years down the road.

And if I break it all down and try to get to the root of why I don't want to go to any of these functions-it's my MIL and SIL. My MIL can be very abrasive, insensitive and when I'm in a mood like this, it's just not good because years ago I put up with her shit, now not so much. And my SIL has a way of just, I don't know, she just doesn't think before she speaks. For example, I know she will ask for my father and then she will go on and on about how blessed she was to have never had a parent be so sick. Blah, blah, blah.

I would love to punch her in the nose to see how blessed she feels then.

So tell me, how selfish do I have the right to be?