Better Late Than Never

Friday night was the Fall Soiree at Trev's school. JR took Trev and Abby to Ally's field hockey game leaving me to either stay home or attend the soiree alone.

I seriously considered staying home. I've had a hard time with social situations as an adult. I know that sounds odd, usually it's the other way around. Most people I know were wall flowers in their younger years and more outgoing as they got older. Not so for me. I went from being very sociable to very antisocial.

Due to my weight.

Anyway.

I decided that I would go and make an appearance at the soiree. Maybe stay 15 minutes. When I got there I was very nervous. There were a lot of people there, most I don't know. But thankfully as soon as I got out of my van, I saw someone I know pretty well and she and I walked in together.

I then ran into the lady that was instrumental in helping me get Trev into this school and we talked for a few minutes.

Yet, I was still uncomfortable and I wanted to get the hell out of there.

I was all set to go but decided I would go down this one hallway to check out the walls-they hang everything the kids do on the walls, it's incredible. So I wanted to see if I could find something Trev had done and then I was going to go.

I rounded the corner and ran into one of my old, old friends from high school. I hadn't seen her in about 9 years. And she's one of the few people from my past that I do enjoy seeing if our paths happen to cross.

We started talking and catching up. And before I knew it, it was almost 10 o'clock.

I spent some time watching her interact with others, she knew a ton of people there. She happens to be very close to the director of the school. And as I watched her I realized how out of the loop I truly am, how introverted I had become, how seriously insecure I was and how I'd let those insecurities pretty much paralyze me.

I had a great time and I'm glad that I went. But I'm also saddened by some of the realizations I had too. I mean I knew I've always been insecure, always. It's just hard to admit and be totally honest about how I've let those insecurities run my life.

I think the biggest thing that I've had to admit is how somewhere along the line I stopped living, stopped being me.

I just stopped. I became a wife and a mother and I don't regret for a single second becoming either of those. Yet I lost myself somewhere in the process. I think most women are guilty of that to some degree.

It goes deeper than just that though. When I gained all my weight, I was so ashamed, I didn't want to face anyone so I stayed home and ate some more. I stopped living. I used being a wife and mother as an excuse.

And I guess another hard thing to come to terms with is now that I feel ready to live again, to be me again, I don't know how. I don't even know who I am. Maybe I never did. When I look back at my youth, I remember always conforming myself into what I thought other people expected me to be.

I'm tired of letting my insecurities rule my life. I'm tired of feeling ashamed.

I want to live, I want to experience all that life has to offer. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me by, I don't want to keep feeling like somehow I don't deserve to truly live.

It's hard to be 35 years old and trying to find out who the hell I am and what I want in life. Better late than never, right?

So, how do I plan to figure all this out? I haven't a clue.

I did text my friend from the other night, letting her know that it was great to see her and to spend time with her. I told her that I wanted to keep in touch. She received my text but never responded. Of course that has nagged at me, maybe she didn't like seeing me as much as I did her. Just another example of my insecurity. I automatically assume the worst. And it embarasses me more than I care to admit how much it has bothered me that she didn't respond back. And I have found myself going back and forth about never contacting her again-that's probably what she wants anyway-to possibly inviting her over for dinner one night.

I don't know.

I feel stupid even admitting this and I almost didn't blog about it. But I just had this overwhelming need to get it all out.

Even though this is a bit painful, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I feel this way because maybe this will force me to change. I'm thankful that I'm realizing all this now with time to change things.

Of course, I have to figure out what I need to do to change things and then find the guts to do it.